Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Silly Joke #2

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.”Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?” Five small voices answered in union. “Okay, Dad. You win. You get the toy.”

Silly Joke #3

The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny’s turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, “Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy.” That was a very misguided thing to do, my son,” said the priest patiently. “It wasn’t misguided at all,” said Little Johnny. “I hit him.”

Bonus Silly Joke

Trying to control her frizzy and dry hair, Kay treated her scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor than that her hair obviously needed it, she washed her hair several times with strong soap.That night when Kay went to bed, she leaned over to her husband and asked, “Do I smell like olive oil?” “Why?” he asked, pulling back. “Do I smell like Popeye?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”

Silly Joke #2

An attorney got home late one evening after a very frustrating day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Clarence Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the state governor had been denied and he was feeling tired and depressed.As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, “What time of night do you call this? Why didn’t you call if you were going to be late? What am I supposed to do with your cold dinner? Where the hell have you been?” and so on. Too upset to even respond to her harangue, he poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak. He could still hear her continuing diatribe until he closed the bathroom door. While he was in the bath the phone rang. The wife answered to be told that Wright, her husband’s client, had been granted a stay of execution. She went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband’s posterior as he was bent over naked cleaning the tub. “They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said. The attorney turned his head and said wearily “My God, woman, don’t you ever stop?”

Silly Joke #3

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: “You rest here while I register – I’ll be back within an hour.” The wife lies down on the bed… just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again, a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he’ll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. “Look, lie here on the bed – you’ll be thrown right to the floor!” So, he lies down next to the wife… Just then the husband walks in. “What,” he says, “are you doing here?” The manager replies: “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”

Bonus Silly Joke

Harry, after his retirement volunteered to entertain patients in hospitals. He would go from one hospital to another in the city and always carried his guitar with him. He would crack jokes and would sing some funny songs at patients’ bedsides.When he finished at one such hospital, he said to an old man, “I hope you get better.” The elderly gentleman quickly replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, ‘Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.’ The entire congregation said, ‘Amen!’

Silly Joke #2

A fellow goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The dealer sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it would cut through 100 trees in one day. The fellow takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After working for 3 hours he only cut 2 trees. “How can I cut for hours and only cut two trees?” he asks himself. The next morning, he gets up at 4 am and cuts until bedtime, but still only manages to cut five trees. The very next day the fellow brings the chainsaw back to the store and says the saw doesn’t work properly. “Hmm, it looks okay,” says the dealer, and starts the chainsaw. The fellow jumps back, startled, and cries, “What’s that noise?!”

Silly Joke #3

A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk said, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” In light of that, the head monk decided it was best to go down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a loud sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong. “The word was ‘celebrate…CELEBRATE!’,” cried the head monk.

Bonus Silly Joke

A very selfish husband was at home watching a football game when his wife suddenly interrupted him. “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so!” “Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.” To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so!” “Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.” To which he replied, “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so! I’ve had enough of this. I’m going to the bar to watch my game in peace!” He then heads to the local bar and drinks for a couple hours, but then starts to feel really guilty about how he treated his wife, so he decides to go home and help her out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working too. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed as well. “Honey, how’d all those things you wanted me to do get fixed?” She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried and cried until a nice young man walked by and asked me what was wrong. I told him that you refused to help me and he offered to do all the repairs, and that all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.” He said, “Are you serious! So, what kind of cake did you bake him?” She replied, “Bake a cake? Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson