Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text. ‘I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life,’ he told the audience. ‘She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice.’ At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up, looking a little embarrassed, and said, ‘Sorry, but it’s really hard to read my mother’s handwriting.’

Silly Joke #2

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?” The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.” A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, you wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden.” The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.”

Silly Joke #3

Johnny, where’s your homework?” Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand. “My dog ate it,” was his solemn response. “Johnny, I’ve been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?” “It’s true, Miss Martin, I swear,” insisted Johnny. “I had to force him, but he ate it!

Bonus Silly Joke

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.” The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!” The third lady smiles smugly. “Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood.” She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the husband’s examination, the doctor then said to him, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?””In fact, I do,” said the man. “After I have relations with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have relations with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.” “This is very interesting,” replied the doctor. “Let me do my examination with your wife and see if I can get to the root of this.” After examining the elderly wife next, the doctor said to her, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, “Your husband had an unusual concern for me today. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having relations the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?” “Oh, that old buzzard!” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!”

Silly Joke #2

A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also. 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean. 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator. 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Silly Joke #3

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: “Da..aaad”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
five minutes later: “Daa….aaad…”
“WHAT!?”
“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!”
Five minutes later..”Daaaa….aaaad! When you come up to spank me can you bring a drink of water?”

Bonus Silly Joke

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?” The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.” Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?” “No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.” 

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

Four guys were at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.” The next night it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning, Same thing happens again, his hair is standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!”  He said, “Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.” The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. The next morning, he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning,” he said. The other two couldn’t believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.”

Silly Joke #2

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’ A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’ The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand!’

Silly Joke #3

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?” “Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.” As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was rather impressed. I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?” “Oh, certainly!” he answered, lowering his voice. “Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom.” “How so?” “See,” he continued, “by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.” “After you get it out, how do you put it back?” I asked. “Well,” he whispered, lowering his voice even further, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

Bonus Silly Joke

A man walks into a book store and asks the clerk if she could tell him where the “self-help” area is. She replied, “Of course I can, but that would defeat the purpose, now wouldn’t it?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson