Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several months. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her simply to mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange post card today.” “Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it,” he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.”

Silly Joke #2

A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Mom, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry ok?”The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat with her for a while. He then says, “Okay, Mom, guess which one I’m going to marry.” She immediately replies, “The one in the middle.” “That’s amazing Mom, you’re right! How did you know???”, he says quite shocked. “Because I don’t like her…”, she said with a frown.

Silly Joke #3

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.So one day Farmer John called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.” “What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff. “I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!” So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign hasn’t done a thing! So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. Unfortunately, that didn’t slow any drivers down either. So, Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?” The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.” He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. “How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?” “Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign… it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers…” So, the sheriff drove out to Farmer John’s house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: NUDIST COLONY. GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS!

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!” (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.” “Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an ax and two 38’s!”

Silly Joke #2

An Illinois man left the snowy streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Silly Joke #3

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.” “My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion.The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!” As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash. The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, “My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?” The man says, “Listen, I don’t want your money buddy! I don’t want your daughter either man! I want the person who f$#%ing pushed me into that water!!!”

Silly Joke #2

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling. Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:” What in the world happened?” The assistant replied: “Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”

Silly Joke #3

A traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out. The parched wanderer asked, “Please, I’m dying of thirst, can I have some water?” The man replied, “I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie? Here’s one that goes nicely with your clothes.” The desperate man shouted, “I don’t want a tie, you idiot, I need water!” The peddler then kindly said in response, “OK, don’t buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I’ll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, and they’ll give you all the water you want.” The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he returned. The man at the card table said, “I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn’t you find it?” The man scowled and said, “I found it all right! They wouldn’t let me in without a tie!!!”

Bonus Silly Joke

Q: What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
A: Anna one, Anna two…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson