Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A husband and wife (married some time) are driving down the road when the wife screams at her husband, “Slow down, the speed limit is 35!”. The husband screams back, “I’m not speeding”. Several minutes later the wife screams out again, “You just ran a red light!”. The husband (getting more angry) yells back, “The light was yellow, not red. Don’t tell me how to drive!”.

A few minutes later, the police stop the couple. The officer informs the husband that he was stopped for speeding. The wife exclaims “I told you that you were speeding”. The husband then tells her (under his breath) to “Shut up”, and is getting angrier by the minute. The officer asks the husband if he is aware that he also ran a red light. The wife then says “I told you the light was red!”. The husband then screams (even louder) at his wife to shut up again.

The officer then (concerned for the wife’s safety) asks the wife if her husband always treats her this way. She then tells the officer, “No, he only acts like this when he is drunk!”.

Silly Joke #2

Two dudes roll up to a sobriety check point, Budweisers between their legs. They’re plastered, and stand no chance of getting past without getting busted.

They roll up to the cops, the cop peers in, and sees both of them with soggy Bud labels on their foreheads, grinning.

“You two been drinking?”

They smile. “No officer, we’re on the patch!”

Silly Joke #3

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing set,” replied the drunk.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, “Uh, oh!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?” Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!” says the leopard. “That was close! That poodle nearly had me!” Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!” Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. “Where’s that damn monkey?” the poodle says. “I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

Silly Joke #2

A dog thinks: ‘Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me and take good care of me … THEY MUST BE GODS!’

A cat thinks: ‘Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me and take good care of me … I MUST BE A GOD!’

Silly Joke #3

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell sausage!” Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell pancakes!” Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn’t because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, “The only thing I smell is molasses.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, “Mother, I’ve got a stomach ache.” “That’s because your stomach is empty,” the mother replied. “You would feel better if you had something in it.” That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day. Susie perked up, “That’s because it’s empty Dad,” she said. “You’d feel better if you had something in it.”

Silly Joke #2

A teenage boy came home from school in a bad mood one day. His father being a little concerned asked, “What’s wrong, son?” The kid then told his Dad that he’s upset because another kid has been constantly teasing him and calling him gay. The father then replied, “Punch him in the face next time he does that! I bet he’ll stop then!” The kid replies, “Yeah, but he’s so darn cute!”

Silly Joke #3

A father decides to buy a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. One evening, he opts to test it out during the family dinner. He starts by asking his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies, “I did some homework Dad.” Suddenly the robot slaps the son who quickly responds, “Ok! Ok! I was at a friend’s house watching movies.” The Dad then asks, “What movies did you watch son?” The boy replies, “Toy Story 1 and 2.” Suddenly, the robot slaps the son again. “Geez! Alright, we were watching p*rn ok!” The Dad then says, “What? At your age I didn’t even know what p*rn was!” Suddenly, the robot then slaps the father, at which point the Mom laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son.” Suddenly the robot then slaps the mother.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson