Category: The Spiritual Side Of Sexuality

Many years ago, when I was single, I began to come across all too often, men who claimed they were heterosexual, yet they regularly engaged in homosexual behaviors.

The first time I came across this was when I placed a personal ad out on some Internet dating website. I can still remember a response I got from this one man who told me his wife was going to be out of town for a few days and was willing to fly me out to where he lived to keep him company during that time. He even went so far as saying she travelled often and he’d be willing to pay for me to come out there on a regular basis. At first I thought this was just an internet sham, but I learned pretty quickly it wasn’t. Within a short period of time, for whatever reasons I don’t know, more of these types of men continued to respond to my personal ad. Some were married to women, some were dating women, and some were just plain single. But with each of them, they maintained the belief they were mostly heterosexual. Many went on to say that while they weren’t gay, they still enjoyed the occasional comfort of being with a man sexually. Some said they were bi-sexual but mostly straight. And others were actually honest and said they were essentially hiding out in their heterosexual marriages or relationships out of fear.

I found I was more inquisitive with the men who were married or dating a woman, as compared to the rest who were completely single. It wasn’t until many years later, when I began to treat my sex and love addiction, that I learned the reason for this was due to the “high” I was getting out of the act of chasing after someone already involved with someone else, especially with a woman. Most of those “involved” people always had very interesting comments when I brought up the subject of infidelity to them. There were those who said it wasn’t cheating because they weren’t sleeping around with any other woman. Others said they had an agreement with their wife or girlfriend, which I found usually wasn’t true. And some even went so far as saying their wife or girlfriend didn’t please them sexually anymore and that they found a man could do it better.

For a long time, I really thought all of this was bogus because those conversations only ever happened online and I never met any of those people in person. But all of that changed when I met a man in AA back in 2009 who was actively married to a woman at that point in time for around 30 years. And like so many of those online conversations had played out, this man truly claimed he was heterosexual yet he enjoyed engaging in gay sex. And unfortunately, I took the bait and succumbed to my first sexual relationship with someone like this. More often than not, it was one sided with me being the one to do the pleasing, which I found out later is a ploy that many heterosexual men do to maintain somewhere in their brains that they are still straight. There were a few other men from my past that I pursued very similar to this and through those toxic connections and from other research I did in recovery meetings, I learned that there really are not any black and white answers as to why heterosexual men engage in homosexual behaviors. For some it stemmed back to a molestation that affected their attractions in life and kept them re-enacting it over and over again. Others learned to like sex no matter who it was with. And of course there were those who were just afraid to admit they were “homosexual” or “gay”, so they stayed in their heterosexual relationships in fear but acted out on the side.

Regardless of what the reasons really are for each man who claims they are heterosexual but still engages in homosexual behaviors probably doesn’t matter. I believe what really matters is the pain and hurt these men are causing their wives, girlfriends, the single gay men they pursue, and even themselves. Wives give up years of their lives in marriage to these men who are doing nothing more than cheating on them. Girlfriends are often just puppets to keep up an illusion for these men. Openly gay men like myself who become involved with men like this often get hurt because of the many false promises made by these men that never come to fruition. And worst of all, they hurt themselves deep in their hearts and souls through all their deceptive acts as they continue to maintain their “heterosexuality” while sleeping with other men.

Thankfully God has helped me to figure out and accept who I am today, which is homosexual. There was a time though that I was just like many of those men I described above and that was only because of my inner fears, but God helped me to overcome them. And while that is just my story, there are many other men out there in this world who are still writing their own story in the sexuality department.

If you are a man who considers yourself heterosexual on any level but at the same time, is perusing any type of sex from another man online, at bookstores, at rest stops, parks, bars, or any other venue, it might be best for you to do what I did. Instead of continuing to hurt others, including yourself, seek support to figure out who you really are and ask God for guidance to get you there. In doing so, you will be able to come to your own inner truth on what your sexuality really is. And whether you find its heterosexual or homosexual doesn’t really matter, it’s your coming to acceptance in life of whatever it is, that does.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

“When I meet a gay person, I have to distinguish between their being gay and being part of a lobby. If they accept the Lord and have goodwill, who am I to judge them? They shouldn’t be marginalized. The tendency [to homosexuality] is not the problem … they’re our brothers.“

These are the lines that were spoken by Pope Francis about a week ago that have generated many news headlines and talk around the world since. I first heard about this at a barbecue I was at the same day they were spoken by him. My friend asked me “Did you hear what the Pope said about gay marriage?” Of course I thought at first she was going to tell me a joke as it had the rhyme of one so I promptly replied with a “no” and a smile. But when she responded with a statement that it was all over the news and told me “the Pope is supposedly approving of it now”, I began to think she wasn’t trying to just get a laugh out of me. So I called my partner to ask the validity of such a statement and he too said something similar.

What’s ironic in all of this buzz that stemmed from the Pope’s words is that I don’t believe anything has changed at all with the Catholic Church’s stance on homosexuality. What I see instead was a very smart political statement and move made by the Pope that removed some of the strict judgments that have often come from previous Pope’s and the Catholic Church itself. If I was to make a venture on what Pope Francis was really saying, it is very different than what the rest of the world, like my friend and my partner were telling me. Looking at his words more closely, it appears to me that he is following in the footsteps that many political leaders of the world have already taken. I believe what everyone, including the Pope, is starting to say is to let gay people be gay people, allow them to have their gay marriages and sexual relations with each other, but if they choose to walk on the path that Christ walked in serving God, than that’s where things might have to change in those people’s lives.

To put it even more bluntly, I believe the Pope and many other leaders who have followed a stance like this really feel that being gay is still a sin, against God’s wishes, amoral, and completely wrong in God’s eyes. Across the world there have already been cardinals and bishops and leaders of the Catholic Church that have clarified their own viewpoints since the Pope’s comments emerged. Each have said adamantly that same sexual relations is still a sin. So while much of the world is moving away from chastising those that are openly gay and are working on equal rights on every platform for them, many still have hearts that are remaining resistant to the idea that God created people just like me, a homosexual.

In a nutshell, while I’m glad that Pope Francis is at least taking a less dagger throwing stance towards gay people than his predecessors did, I feel in my heart that if I was to have a private conversation with him about my homosexuality and the fact that I’m on a path to seek a deeper relationship with God, that he would tell me that I need to become celibate. Many people I have met over the past few years who have said they accept my sexuality, have told me in conversation that it’s not their place to judge me. But when I have pursued it further with them, they’ve admitted their belief that it’s still a choice and a sin. Those conversations usually end with each of them saying they will do their best to love me anyway.

I have come to accept all of those people in this world just as they are, even though most of them still feel deep down that being gay is a choice, a sin, and an abomination. I really am sad on some level because what I am really hoping will change one day is their hearts and souls surrounding this issue. When everyone can finally move away from staring at those few lines in the Bible that have been used against gay people and try to believe that maybe, just maybe God’s message is a little different, than our world might be able to finally move forward with a lot more light and love.

Don’t get me wrong, the Bible is amazing and does have a lot of wonderful lessons and teachings for the greater good within it. But in regards to those few lines about gay people that were written thousands of years ago in a period none of us were alive in, each have been interpreted and reinterpreted time and time again by man and by man only. It really is possible that man is continuing to misinterpret this one. And while the Pope may be lessening the polarity between his church and gay people, isn’t it really actions that speak way louder than words? When the day comes that the Pope and the Catholic Church begin to express God is ok with homosexuality and actions arise out of those words, then and only then will I think our world has shifted to a much greater place of unified love and light towards gay people.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

After a long battle and many months of speculation, the Supreme Court has finally made their ruling on two landmark battles over gay marriage. Not only can California same sex couples legally marry again, but all married same-sex couples in the country are entitled now to federal benefits with the Court’s overturn of the Defense of Marriage Act.

The real question though for most proponents of gay marriage is probably going to be what happens next for all those other states in the country where gay marriage isn’t legal. On some level, I guess I happen to be lucky in the eyes of many of those gay and lesbian people who live in those states, given that I already live in a place where same sex marriage is legal. What those people and many others as well still aren’t getting though, is that regardless of how many states approve gay marriage, and even if it somehow becomes a constitutional amendment one day, it won’t erase the racism and prejudice that many people still have in the United States.

So despite the fact that I live in a very proactive state which approved same sex marriage many years ago, if anyone spent enough time here, they would most likely see how there are still way too many individuals who despise gays and lesbians. I hear people all the time shouting angrily the words “fag”, “faggot”, or “dyke” to someone else. I often catch wind of news reports where a hate crime occurred with a gay individual or kids in school have being taunted and bullied just for acting slightly flamboyant or being suspected of being gay.

The sad reality is that I would go so far as to say that every law could be put into place which would create equal rights and protections for gays and lesbians but it still wouldn’t matter. There is far too great of a number in the United States who are currently raising their children to be hateful towards people like me. Even worse, as much as I love God and believe that the salvation of Christ exists, there are a ton of Christians who are driving much of this hate. Just recently, my sister who lives near Nashville, Tennessee, said that my 11 year old twin nephews were hanging out with a kid their own age who comes from a Christian family, and that he said he hated “fags’ and that God hated them too. She made sure to tell my nephews after that to not bring their gay Uncle up in conversation to him or anyone. It makes me sad that my family has to hide in fear of who I am just because of the hate that persists out there.

I’m happy though that the Supreme Court took a positive stand and steps in the right direction for gay and lesbian people with their ruling yesterday. But I believe the real work needs to be done on a more grass roots level. I’ve said this before in previous writings and I’ll say it again. Most of the resistance to embracing any legislation that supports same sex marriage is because of this hate that people have towards those with my sexuality. What’s ironic is that most of those driving this hate use God and the Bible as their weapons of division but what they are continuously being blinded from seeing is that God is about unconditional love and nothing else. Anyone who says otherwise, is usually just talking from a place of fear and ego.

Martin Luther King Jr. had it right when he gave unconditional love in the face of hate, violence, and anger coming at him. He led a wonderful movement of many people who supported him in this. Eventually, most of American’s hearts turned towards equal rights for men and women of color when they saw the destruction and loss of life that came from their hate. I have been taking a page in his book because of this, and I do my best today to love everyone equally, even those who may spit in my face, call me a “fag”, tell me I’m going to hell, or that God hates me. I realize they just learned this from someone else and know no better. Maybe I can be the first one to show them what real love is all about. And when enough gays and lesbians can practice this concept of loving everyone equally, including even those who look at them with hate, then maybe we’ll get a truly United States. One where it doesn’t discriminate on gender, race, national origin, religion, age, marital status, disability AND sexual orientation on any level and one where there doesn’t have to be a battle anymore for us to gain equal rights to get there.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson