Category: The Spiritual Side Of Sexuality

There are two words that are becoming more and more widely used in the gay culture today and they are “open relationships.” Unfortunately, those same two words are also undermining a road the gay community is already trying to take in gaining the full right to marriage.

I first came across the term “open relationship” a long time ago when I was active within a subsection of the gay community known as the “bear culture”. There, I began meeting couples in those circles who had “agreements” with their partner on what type of intimacy they could share with others outside of their relationship. Boundaries were made by each of those couples as to whether kissing, fondling, cuddling, or various depths of sexual acts with others was ok. Unfortunately, like this bear community which is all male, much of the rest of gay males also seem to be accepting these types of relationships as a normal and healthy option.

What’s sad about this is that I don’t see this happening so much in any other community that is not gay male based. Over the years, I have had met many couples in those other types of communities who have spent several decades or more monogamously with each other. There was never any “outside playing” going on, and if there was, it was usually considered adultery. So while a large amount of people are taking their fight all the way up to the Supreme Court of the United States to gain equal rights with gay marriage, it’s not putting forth a very convincing message when a growing number of relationships with two gay men are only staying together by opening up their relationship for intimacy with an outsider.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure in the Lesbian community as well as in the general Heterosexual community that some of this does go on as well, but those percentages are far smaller as compared to what is happening with gay males these days. And I really haven’t come to understand yet why two gay males have such a hard time settling down in a long term relationship monogamously. When I have asked couples who went to this “open status’ why they did so, I always get that they had grown bored over the years with their sex life and wanted to spice it up. If that is the case, then how come I rarely hear that happening with the heterosexual and lesbian couples I have met. They don’t talk about “playing around”. They don’t go to parties to fondle other people. They don’t go to bars to flirt with others. And yes, like I said before, I’m sure there are a select few who engage in an open relationship, but those numbers are so small as compared to the growing number of gay men today who are making this a common practice.

This is one of the main reasons why I don’t like going out to a gay bar anymore. It’s also why I don’t want to go to most other places either that will have a predominant amount of gay males at it. I have seen this same thing happen at gay social clubs, gay based churches, and even at things like gay parties during the holiday season. A few years ago, I went to a predominately gay male based Christmas party. There, I watched as many of those individuals in those relationships would grope, kiss, or flirt with others that weren’t their partner and no one thought anything of it.

If this is what works for most gay males, then I must not be a typical gay male. I have a partner today who I love dearly and the last thing I want to do is jeopardize that relationship by putting it front and center amongst those who wish to have relationships and connections like this. It’s my hope that I’ll be one of those couples that one day has twenty or more years of being monogamous.

I believe the best part of a monogamous relationship is the love that God can grow within it. And I have seen that when God is at the center of a relationship like the one I have now, I find more and more ways each and every day to love my partner. Will the sex and intimacy eventually not be as alluring…I don’t think the answer to that question really matters. I feel the real question is for all those couples having those open relationships to ask themselves why it is they feel they can’t be happy with one person and only one person on all levels including intimacy.

My conclusion is that for people who entertain the notion of open relationships and eventually succumb to them, that it’s not that they really have grown bored with the sex and intimacy in their existing relationship, it’s that they have fallen out of love with their partner and haven’t realized it yet or that they never were really in love in the first place and just didn’t want to be alone.

Sadly, all these “Open relationships” are doing now is nothing more than tearing down any efforts that are being made to show that gay people can have healthy, long term monogamous relationships. If we are ever going to get gay marriage to become legal in the entire United States, then we are going to have to show that we are a lot more than just sex and horny crazed people who go from one partner to the next.

All I can do is my part which I am now doing with my partner. The two of us have no desire to frequent most places anymore that gay males congregate at because of this decline in moral values that are happening in our culture such as these “open relationships”. And the sad reality in all of this is that I have yet to see any one of those types of relationships ever last for any long periods of time. Instead, what most often happens is that one of those people eventually leaves the relationship for someone they were “playing around” with. In that case in knowing this, is an “open relationship” really worth it then when it’s just a pre-cursor to the demise of the relationship in itself? I think that’s a question that all gay men need to seriously ponder, when they begin to feel the need to consider it as an option for the relationship they’re in.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

There’s a lot of hubbub going on lately surrounding the Boy Scouts of America. A few months ago, all the news seemed to be focused in on the Supreme Court and its stance on gay marriage. Recently it’s shifted over to the Boy Scouts with their decision they made to approve gay scouts. Churches in turn, including the Southern Baptists, have become outraged and are sparking a movement for all its churches and other ones as well to remove their affiliation to the organization.

Even as a gay male, I think I understand these churches moral dilemma. Supporting the Boy Scouts for them now on some level means advocating homosexuality. And if they advocate homosexuality on any level, it means for them that they’re going against the Bible and its few passages that speak of it being a sin.

It’s sad that the Bible continues to be used as a weapon in these type of arguments. I don’t think that Jesus would be very happy today to see the polarization happening between people surrounding this issue. He was all about unconditional love and acceptance no matter who you were. What all these churches and other folks continue to be outraged over should be left between those struggling with their sexuality and God.

Sometimes I wonder if people are afraid that someone’s “gayness” is going to rub off on them. Maybe that’s what these churches think deep down as well. I can attest from personal experience, that no matter how much I have been myself in my sexuality, I’ve never changed someone else from who they were not already meant to be.

In regards to a gay youth who wants to grow in their life through an organization such as the Boy Scouts, they never should have been limited in the first place from having that ability. To me it’s a no brainer that everyone should be accepted. But I guess I am biased on some level over the issue. Sadly, this country has gone through so much of this over the years and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. First it was with women who were denied full rights for the longest time. Then it was with blacks. Now it’s with gay people. People are who they are and no matter what their race, sex, or sexual orientation is, they should be given equal rights. Somehow I see that if Jesus were still walking the Earth, he would be shedding a lot of tears over the fact that churches are rejecting God’s children just because of a few passages in the Bible that may indeed continue to be misinterpreted from their original intention.

Regardless of the churches stance on the Boy Scouts decision, the organization still hasn’t approved gay troop leaders. With the amount of pedophile and sexual child abuse cases that have occurred in this country, I’m guessing they feel it’s the safer measure. What’s sad is that they are having a strong misconception here. Many people still believe that if someone is a gay male, that they will have attractions to young children and might abuse them sexually. Having been a survivor of sexual molestation myself, I can adamantly state that the last thing I would ever want to do to any child is subject them to the horrors I went through. Even more sad is the fact that the person who molested me was heterosexual. And like him, many of the men who sexually abuse boys are in fact not gay. Often they are married or single straight males who are just mentally and emotionally sick. The actual percentage of gay men who have become child molesters is extremely small. But unfortunately, that doesn’t matter at the present time for the Boy Scouts. Thus any scout who is gay and desires to do more for the organization won’t be able to once they reach an adult age. What that leads to is little future growth incentive for a them.

I wish that our country would stop dividing itself again and again. There has been some form of racism present in this country for way too long. We are supposed to be a place that has equal opportunities but we really don’t. Religion continues to be poison for our country’s spiritual growth. I love God and I love Jesus. And I know they both love me, especially for who I’m becoming now in my life, even though I’m a gay male. If people would just stop living in fear of the Bible and cease using it as a weapon to separate each of us, then maybe one day soon the Boy Scouts might actually add a new emblem for all of its scouts to obtain and it’ll be affectionally known as the Rainbow Badge.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

It’s takes a lot to come out of the closet and admit openly one’s sexuality for anyone. But for an active NBA center to do just that must take an extra amount of huge courage and faith. Washington Wizards basketball star Jason Collins did just this the other day by admitting to the press that he was gay and in the process, became the first openly gay active athlete to ever do so.

I find that pretty amazing. I’m sure there are plenty of other professional athletes who are gay but are afraid to have others find out so they remain in the closet living double lives. I know all about that.

For all of my college years and about 6 months of post-collegiate years I did my best to conceal my attractions to men. I joined a fraternity because I thought that was the masculine thing to do. I was always dating at least one woman even if it was just for show. I rarely went past first base with any of them. I drank and got drunk quite often because it dulled down my sexual attractions. I stayed away from people who were already out of the closet and openly gay for fear of what others might think if I was around them. And at times, I even made fun of those people. It was a terrible way to be living but it kept me away for a period of time from what Jason Collins is now having to deal with like I am.

For as much as there is a lot more pro-gay support today, there still is quite a lot of backlash. Look at Mike Wallace from the Miami Dolphins who said he was repulsed by the idea a man was with another man when there were so many beautiful women around. And then there was ESPN announcer Chris Broussard who used Christianity and the Bible to bash Jason and declare what just about every evangelical church is doing today towards gays and lesbians….stating it’s immoral and a sin in God’s eyes.

For some like myself, I hid in the shadows for years. I didn’t want to have to deal with the negativity that might have come from others. I came out back in the summer of 1995 when things weren’t accepted as much as they are now. I lost a best friend because of his Christian views. I lost several other friends because of their religious upbringings. I had at times people calling me a “fag” or a “homo”. Even worse, I endured the fear constantly of being beat up. It’s a little different today for openly gay individuals but even still, too many religious people, especially in the United States, are still holding out that God says being gay is wrong. I’ve already come to the acceptance in my life that God brought me here as a gay man and that it’s my purpose to still show love to all these negative and racially biased people.

So for all the Mike Wallace’s and Chris Broussard’s, I send peace, forgiveness, and love and pray that God will enlighten you and help you accept God creates all people in different ways including being gay and that it’s not a sin . And for all the Jason Collin’s who are still hiding in the shadows, take a step in his direction and realize the more that all of us step out of fear, the more acceptance will come into this world for all of us.

God loves everyone and being gay isn’t a sin. The only thing to fear with coming out is fear itself and God can help anyone facing that to overcome it.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson