Category: Words To Live By

When an individual has been rejected and/or abandoned their entire life from their childhood forward, it’s quite easy for them to start expecting it to happen with anyone who enters their life. With that being said, until they work through this issue enough, there’s a behavior that’s almost guaranteed to happen within the individual before any new relationship can ever take root and that’s self-sabotage.

I’m all too familiar with this art of self-sabotage, as up until only a few years ago I was quite skilled at it. That stemmed from the fact that I carried many demons for far too long dating all the way back to childhood. Back then I regularly endured rejection and abandonment at home due to my parent’s alcoholism and mental health issues. And at school, I received a ton of rejection from too many kids. By the time I went off to college, my father had abandoned my mother, and for a period of time he did the same with my sister and I as well. I did my best to stay numb from all of this for five years by drinking alcohol and doing drugs, which only pushed anyone away who ever tried to get close to me. After I became clean and sober from both, I just continued this same behavior of self-sabotaging each connection that came into my life. How that would transpire was usually the same.

It consistently began with me meeting someone new who seemed like they could be a good friend or even more. That would lead me to start spending time with them with the sole purpose of getting to know them much better. But like clockwork, the fear would start creeping in that they were going to walk out of my life at some point in the near future. The onset of that fear was almost always due to things such as them not answering the phone when I called, or them not calling me back in a timely fashion, or them being too busy to make plans, or them canceling ones we had made already. Regardless of the real reason why any of those things happened, the fear inside of being rejected or abandoned again was always enough to completely overwhelm my psyche. That’s when I’d start saying a self-sabotaging comment like “I don’t know why you want to be my friend, since no one else does.” Or maybe I’d say something more like “If you don’t want to be my friend, I’ll understand.” The truth was that I wanted to end the connection before the other person might end it. But ultimately, doing these passive-aggressive behaviors over and over again only created that self-fulfilling prophecy anyway of sabotaging the connection completely.

Sadly, none of this would change until I did my recovery work to fully forgive all those who had rejected and abandoned me throughout my entire life. Once I did though, the fear of being rejected and abandoned began to dissipate. Nowadays, I’m having much greater success in developing new friendships as well an intimate relationship with my partner. Unfortunately, I’m now having trouble on the other side of the coin though.

Someone who came into my life in the past year has become a constant reminder of my self-sabotaging days. I really try to do my best with patience, love, and tolerance with this person as they continue to demonstrate my old passive-aggressive self-sabotaging behaviors, but sometimes it’s too much for me to handle. It has helped me though to understand what others went through when I used to do these very same behaviors and for that I’m grateful, as I never wish to do them again. The reality is that all they ever gave me was a life of loneliness.

So it’s my prayer for this friend of mine, and all others who are still being haunted by the rejection and abandonment of their past, to find the healing and forgiveness needed to move beyond this never-ending saga of self-sabotaging one connection after another. As once they do, it’s a pretty safe bet to say that any new relationship will have far greater staying power and longevity in the long run…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

My heart became extremely heavy the other day after spending a short period of time with my partner’s family members. For the entire hour I was with them, not one person struck up a single conversation with me nor did the majority even say hello to me when I arrived. Sadly, things really haven’t been the same with any of them for around a year now since a disagreement transpired over a family heirloom (a ring) that my partner gave me. While the two of us have done everything we can to mend this rift, it’s clearly visible that most of them still don’t want to. Thankfully though, I never got resentful with any of them the entire time I was there that day or even after leaving and I believe that’s due to only one reason. I continue to recite three simple words in situations like this when I’m feeling hurt and they are “love, forgiveness, and peace”.

About a year ago I wrote an entry on this very subject, which you can find by clicking here. In it I talk about how I used to be a very resentful person, especially when things didn’t go my ego’s way. In fact, how my partner’s family has been treating me is a prime example of something that used to drive me to complete anger and maybe even rage not all that long ago. But my spiritual teacher taught me the power of saying the words “love, forgiveness, and peace” anytime I’m feeling hurt and it became quite evident to me the other day when all this happened that doing so definitely helped.

Looking beyond this healthy practice, I honestly wish I knew why my partner’s family has such issues with me. I’ve done everything I can to show them unconditional love and be a part of their extended family, but for whatever their reasons they’ve kept the door shut on it. I have my theories why that is, except saying them would only be pure speculation and judgment at this point in time. The reality I’ve come to is that it really doesn’t matter. What I believe does matter though is that I continue practicing unconditional love towards each of them, even when in the midst of not getting any of it in return. So far the only way I’ve been able to achieve that is to recite over and over again those three words, “love, forgiveness, and peace” anytime I get around any of my partner’s family.

Saying these words during each of the moments when I’m feeling rejected and hurt by them seems to help me become more compassionate with them. Somehow my pain gets transformed into unconditional love instead of anger and hate in doing so. While I’m sure my ego would like to understand why that is, I’m just grateful it does, as I never liked being that resentful person I once was when I didn’t utilize these three simple words regularly in my life.

So if you happen to be someone who is feeling hurt from one of your own situations right now in life, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and start reciting the words “love, forgiveness, and peace” towards it again and again. In doing so, I’m sure you too will find yourself becoming transformed from a person once filled with anger and resentment to that of unconditional love and light…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

If you have ever suffered from spiritual, mental, emotional, or physical pain, how have you handled it? Did you try to numb it with something until it went away? Or did you totally feel, deal, and then find yourself completely heal from it?

I heard this expression long ago about the feel, deal, and heal path of life in that it’s next to impossible for any of us to ever heal from anything unless we feel and deal with it first. It took me a good while to figure this out, but over time I did and now it’s become my way of living.

I honestly think it’s quite common for most of us in this world to want to numb ourselves when anything painful happens. Life has many of those moments such as ones that deal with death and dying, poor health issues, friendships ending, job losses, divorces and break-ups, financial hardships, and well I’m sure you get the point. But how does each of us go through any one of these things when they happen to us? Movies and television shows constantly tell us that alcohol and drugs are the primary source of comfort we should seek when any of them manifest, except that’s an illusion as they’re only numbing a person from beginning that path to healing. There are plenty of others ways we can numb ourselves in this world as well if any one of these burdens in life should arise. Overeating, smoking, binge shopping, becoming highly medicated, and gambling are just some of the many ways we may try to do that. Unfortunately, none of these things do anything more than stave off the healing process. In other words, they suppress our pain for a time, and in my case, for years.

Take for example when I went off to college. I knew then on some level that I was attracted to the same sex as me and that was an extremely painful time in my life. I didn’t want to be that way, as it wasn’t the norm I saw around me so I chose alcohol and drugs as my outlet to numb myself from feeling any of it. Four years later I was no closer to dealing with that pain and instead alcohol and drugs were ruling my life. It took me getting fully clean and sober from them both to begin the path of dealing with my sexuality. And eventually, once I dealt with it enough through therapy, recovery, and the like I came to acceptance and was healed from the pain it originally caused me.

The same thing held true with my father’s suicide. Although I was clean and sober from alcohol and drugs when he passed, I utilized other numbing agents such as money, sex, and doctor’s prescriptions to bring me comfort. It took me three years to actually stop doing each of these things and start feeling the pain of his death in entirety instead. Once I did, I went to various support groups, joined a men’s spiritual organization, and used a therapist to deal with that pain. And eventually, once I dealt with it enough like I did with my sexuality, I came to acceptance and was healed from the pain of my father’s death that I had tried to avoid for all that time.

I have learned in my life through repeatedly trying to numb myself from any of life’s difficulties such as with my sexuality and my father’s suicide, that it will always just prolong that which I seek within, which is to heal. To get to the place where I became fully healed required me to feel the pain in its entirety first. It was never easy, but God consistently put enough support in my life when I became ready to completely face it without staying numb. Through that support, I was able to endure the pain until the day arrived when I reached acceptance of whatever the difficulty originally was. And time and time again when I did, that’s when I’ve realized I had ultimately been healed.

So if you should happen to be going through any one of life’s arduous moments at the present time, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and try to not numb yourself from feeling its pain. Fully feeling it in its entirety is so crucial to being able to fully deal with it. And fully dealing with it is so crucial to being able to fully heal from it. Don’t let your ego tell you otherwise like mine did for decades, and know that God can and will get you through whatever it is when you’re ready to face it unanesthetized…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson