Category: Words To Live By

Movies often seem to portray these magical moments where two people meet for the first time and instantly fall in love. The nickname these movies usually are given by the masses are “chick flicks” and people go in droves to see them for one reason. They want to believe that love at first sight exists but ironically, in more cases than not, what really exists is “lust at first sight”.

Let me establish right off the bat that I actually do enjoy “chick flicks” and those magical moments of love they always seem to paint. But I’ve also found from my own life’s experiences that movies like this aren’t based much in reality. In the real world, two people that meet for the first time and find each other seriously attractive will most often initially experience lust versus love.

Lust is when those two people become focused on each other’s looks and body more than engaging in any conversations that have real depth. It’s when they are thinking sexual thoughts without really knowing much about each other. It’s when they avoid sharing real feelings between each other. And it’s when either one of those people leave as soon as any sex is complete instead of cuddling and spending more time afterwards with each other.

Love on the other hand is when those two people want to spend quality time together doing things other than sex. It’s when they want to get lost in conversations and forget about the hours that pass. It’s when they want to honestly listen to each other’s feelings and make each other happy. It’s when they motivate each other to be better in some way. And when the sex finally transpires, its when their souls become connected on much a deeper level to where the two of them become intertwined as one.

I spent years and years meeting person after person where I had “feelings” for them and translated that into some form of early love. This frequently led me to going and telling everyone I knew how great this person was and that I thought they could be “the one”. By that point, I had already put on those rose-colored glasses where that person could do no wrong. What I never realized was that I was constantly creating a fantasy in my head like all those “chick flicks” did for me. I never stopped to ponder the fact that I didn’t know much of anything about those people I was having those “feelings” for. And how could I over the course of just a moment, a few days, a few weeks, or even a few months of time? While I kept each of these fantasies alive, the word “love” made it’s way into those connections and began to be mutually said between myself and the other person. But as time moved forward when I really got to know any of them and when the sex was already an act that had taken place between us, the illusion my fantasy created always dissipated. Most of the time when that happened, I was left with a feeling of disgust inside over what I had done, or I had the thought that it was time to move on to someone else where this process would start all over again.

Love is something that is cultivated over time and it’s not motivated by one’s selfish needs and wants. Until I figured that out, I just went from person to person experiencing lust and not love over and over again. I see all of this now in my relationship with my partner Chris. The two of us built a friendship before we ever even had a single intimate moment. That’s not to say that either of us didn’t have the thoughts before that happened, but we spent many months growing closer together and getting lost in each other’s sentences before even a single kiss took place.

My relationship with Chris does have some of that Hollywood magic built into it but it never was about hearing heavenly music and having slow motion scenes take place when we first met. Our love for each other has taken a lot of time to build and grow with God being at the center of it. I can’t say that was true with most of the others I ever chased after, even though I thought I was experiencing love with each of them.

So the next time you meet someone for the first time and feel that electric spark, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and realize you probably don’t know much about this person, except for the fact that you are most likely finding them rather hot. Having that heated attraction is only going to cloud your ability to think rationally. So as you become giddy and get the giggles while engaging in playful conversations with that person, understand that this is quite likely not “love at first sight”. The more likelihood is this, that you are only experiencing “lust at first sight”. Instead of going down that path and having meaningless sex and guilt laden feelings afterwards, try getting to know the person for awhile. Maybe then you’ll be able to develop a real love that’s shared mutually between you and that person, or you’ll just end up seeing that it really was nothing more than lust right from the start.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Have you ever had someone say those words to you that gave you some indication they were interested in hanging out with you and becoming better friends, yet all your repeated attempts to make that happen with them were rejected? I have and it’s something that has been a big challenge for me to face in my recovery.

Friendships were never an abundant commodity for me as a child. I grew up relatively alone and didn’t have many friends throughout most of the my grammar school years as I didn’t fit the image of what other people thought “cool” was. That began to change by my senior year as I started going through a two decade long chameleon phase where I became what others wanted me to become. During the majority of that time, I was never in short supply of friendships to spend time with. But as I’ve worked on my recovery and my relationship with God these past two years, it seems as if I’ve returned back to those childhood days when I was just being myself and hardly anyone took an interest into getting to know me. While I have grown accustomed and even have learned to enjoy the large amount of time I spend alone these days, it hasn’t stopped my want and desire in life to have a few more friends to hang out with. Unfortunately, on many occasions lately where I think a person is expressing interest to get to know me better and become a closer friend, I’m experiencing the opposite of that happening. A few days ago, I had two of these situations occur on the same day that tried my patience and resulted in me not only having to call my sponsor for help, but also having to pray quite a bit to let some resentments go.

The first was with a person who offered me in passing about two months earlier, an interest to hang out and attend some recovery meetings with me. Upon finding out my huge interest in movies, he also expressed a similar desire to have me join up with his group of friends when they occasionally went to one. Over the course of the two months since, I attempted to contact this person on three separate occasions. Some might say that one unreturned call would have be enough of a sign for them. Others might say that two would. In my case, I have usually tried three times only for the fact that too many people these days aren’t listening to their voicemails. Or maybe I’ve just been a glutton for punishment. Either way, he finally returned my third call. During it, I told him I was following up from the last time we had seen each other and that I wanted to take him up on his offer to hang out again. I was quite surprised when he replied that he didn’t remember telling me that. And even more surprised that he rejected all my attempts I made during that phone call to set up anything up for the two of us to ever hang out again. When that call ended, I felt extremely sad and frustrated for the fact that I never would have contacted this person in the first place if they hadn’t expressed interest in hanging out with me.

The second time this happened was ironically only a few hours after the first occurred. It was with a person that has been a casual friend of mine from recovery meetings for some time. A month earlier, he had contacted me with two free movie tickets and indicated he’d like to use them with me. So as not to draw this out into another long story, I’ll put it quite simply. He consistently said his schedule was too busy and let four weeks go by until he finally decided to just give me the tickets to use for myself. Sadly, they were the least of what I was interested in, as I would rather have gotten to know this friend better.

The moral of both of these situations has been the same for me. It’s about accepting that people aren’t always sincere about what they say in passing. Sometimes people suggest to others the idea of hanging out solely because they think it will make the other person feel better. Other times they might have a genuine moment of sincerity, but if no actions are followed through on their suggestion, then truly it was only ever a selfish thing on their part.

This is a repeated behavior that I have been on the receiving end of in the past few years and I believe my Higher Power has been trying to help me to see how I once did this with great frequency to others. Thankfully, I follow through today with those who I say I’d like to hang out with. I’ve learned that if I don’t, I’m not being very spiritual and that action will only end up hurting the other person. Because of those prayers with God and that conversation with my sponsor the other day, I see all of this so much more clearly now, and have been able to let both of those situations and resentments go.

As I move forward now, I’ve decided the next time someone says “We Should Hang Out Sometime”, that the healthiest thing for me is to let that person do the initial work in making that happen, since they are the one offering it. If it’s in God’s will for me to spend time with them, then I believe they will follow through with their suggestion. And if they don’t, I’m just grateful that I’m ok today to be alone, as sometimes that’s the best company one can ever have…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

There is an illusion out there in this world that too many people are falling under and it’s one that does the exact opposite effect of what is intended by it. That illusion is the idea that using criticism is a great motivational tool to helping someone become greater at what they’re doing in life.

Question – Do you know what the quickest way is to motivate someone to become better at what they’re doing in life?

Answer – Praise them…

Question – Do you know what the quickest way is to undermine someone’s motivation to become better at what they’re doing in life?

Answer – Criticize them…

My first real experience with this illusion was back in my competitive swimming days. I used to swim for miles and miles everyday and I was pretty good at it. And there was a time that I really enjoyed this sport where I had great potential to excel to elite levels. Around the turn of my age into teenager years, I was attempting to qualify for the New York State swimming championships at a very large swim meet. During a particular race there, in one of my best events, I narrowly missed the qualifying time to reach those state championships. As my mother gave me my towel to dry off once I got out of the pool, she told me I didn’t kick hard enough. What she didn’t know is that from then on, I began to stop caring about swimming. Instead of me trying harder and kicking harder as she indicated, I tried less and kicked less until I eventually quit the sport altogether a few years later.

What could have worked much better in motivating me back then when I stepped out of that pool was some praise from my mother. Here are just a few examples of what that might have looked like…

“You did a great job!”

“You did really well!”

“I’m so proud of you!”

“That was really amazing!”

To this day, I’ve never gone back to this sport other than for recreation. Although I’ve forgiven my mother long ago for what she said, she never did quite learn that praising me could have achieved everything she wanted for me with that sport and with many other things as well. Instead, her criticism caused me to second guess my talent, especially when I was already trying so hard to do well in the sport.

Throughout my life, I have also been on the receiving end of this illusion with many friends, partners, and bosses. When addictions used to run my life, friends criticized me by pointing out all of my bad behaviors. This only drove me into my addictions and acting out those behaviors even more. When I tried to help my now ex-partner run the bed and breakfast I once owned, he criticized almost every one of my attempts by pointing out something I was doing wrong. All that ended up doing was making me despise the business and losing interest in seeing it succeed. At each of the corporate jobs I held, I always did my best to put a stamp of perfection into all of my work. Unfortunately, I had a few bosses here and there who often overlooked that and instead commented on the few mistakes I might have made in my work. The result there was no different than my bed and breakfast experience in that I began to resent the job and stopped putting forth as much effort.

If you haven’t fully grasped this illusion yet, here’s a final example that will hopefully help you. I’m going to put my day to day entries in this blog on the line now to help you truly understand the difference between what praise achieves and what criticism does.

If you decided one day to leave me a comment on my blog and said that my words and stories were rather dull, boring, and uninspiring, do you think that would motivate me into writing any better? It wouldn’t. It would strike at my heart and affect my insecurity. In fact, all it would do is make me question whether I should continue writing at all.

But if you decided one day to leave me a comment on my blog and said you really have been enjoying reading my words and stories and that some have even been inspiring to you, do you think that would motivate me into writing any better? It would and actually, it has. The fact of the matter is that I have already received many written comments, as well as some even face to face, by those who have felt this way. This has led me to an even greater passion and desire to write.

I know some out there may be thinking, “What about constructive criticism?” The reality is that most people in this world are sensitive and criticism of any type is just that, CRITICISM. So whatever the type of criticism, even if it’s intended effect is to help a person grow, it usually comes away differently where it does nothing more than strike a person down or demotivate them.

My point here is very simple. You want to motivate someone to do better or become better with something they’re doing in their life? Try praising them and do it sincerely. And if you must offer guidance to them on any level, try praising them first and then use words that are non judgmental second. You’ll find in doing so that the person will often become motivated to doing whatever it is even better the next time they do it. But if you want to create resentments, raise insecurities, and decrease productivity, then start criticizing someone as that’s all criticism will achieve. Praise is a lot like God’s unconditional love and criticism is a lot like all the darkness that exists in this world. Maybe if everyone just starts praising each other a lot more, instead of criticizing, this world might become a much brighter and more loving place to live in.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson