Category: Words To Live By

Do you know what can happen to children who grow up in families that struggle to show them unconditional love on a daily basis? I do. They often become adults who don’t know how to give and receive unconditional love because it was so unfamiliar to them as a child. Some will develop codependency with anyone that shows them the least bit of love and attention. And others will place huge walls around themselves and avoid any type of deeply loving relationship. But all of this can be prevented though…and it starts with the parents…

Some of my earliest memories were of my parents constantly being busy with things when I really needed them. There were many times I wanted to have a catch or do outside activities with my father but he was often too busy with his work to make time for me. There were also many times I wanted my mother to talk with me about some of the struggles I was going through but she was often too busy as well with doing things such as watching some of her favorite television shows. Add in the fact that the both of them were untreated alcoholics and the result was a very unloving and lonely childhood for me. Thankfully today I have a few friends who are wonderful parents that I have been able to observe and understand what it would have been like as a kid to actually receive love unconditionally.

One of the first things I’ve noticed with unconditionally loving parents is the wholehearted praise they constantly give their children. In my case, I didn’t receive much of this as I grew up. Instead, I remember the many occasions where I was told my grade of a “B” in a class should have been an “A”. I remember the chores that I did having to be redone many times because I was told they weren’t done well enough. I also remember being told my finishing place in my swim races could have been better if I tried harder. Unconditionally loving parents are proud of their children for everything that try to do their best in. They would appreciate that “B”, for doing those chores, or for whatever place they finished in any type of sport.

The second thing I’ve noticed with unconditionally loving parents is the active listening they do with their children on what they are going through in life. In my case, when something such as me getting picked occurred and I came home crying, instead of being consoled I was told to stop the tears and was sent to karate class. Ironically, when I finally learned karate and became a brown belt, I hit a kid one day who was picking on me and broke my hand. And guess what, I got in trouble with my parents because of it. Unconditionally loving parents would have consoled their kid if they were picked on or beat up. In fact, these days, they might even take it to the principal at school or the families of the person(s) doing the bullying to put an end to it. In another one of my cases, I came home one day in my early teens and started crying as I told my parents that I thought I was attracted to my own sex. Sadly, it was immediately dismissed as just a phase I was going through. Today, unconditionally loving parents are embracing their children when this happens by telling them it’s ok no matter what their sexual preference is.

Some other things I’ve noticed in unconditionally loving families include:

1. Not forcing their kids to eat or drink the things they don’t enjoy consuming.

2. Not forcing their kids to wear clothing they didn’t help to pick out.

3. Making time every day to play with their children instead of telling them they’re busy.

It may seem with all of what I’ve written here that my parents weren’t so great in how they raised me. But here’s the truth, through my hard work in therapy, recovery, and spirituality, I have learned that they did the best they could given their limitations. Unfortunately, their addictions and their inner demons prevented them from ever truly becoming those unconditionally loving parents. Because of this, I grew up not knowing and understanding what unconditional love was all about. Instead, I spent much of my life clinging to people very similar to my parents who couldn’t love me at all or could only offer me love in small tidbits. And if pure love ever came my way, I ran from it because it felt completely foreign and scary. This is precisely the reason why I had so many meaningless sex based relationships throughout my life because in them, unconditional love was never present.

While I have done the work to heal from all of this and am able now to offer and receive pure love and light, there are still many children out there who are growing up in families that are seriously lacking in unconditional love, just like mine once did. Tragically, this will just lead that child to clinging or avoiding whatever love comes their way later in life. If you don’t want this to happen, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and start practicing the following four principles DAILY:

1. Praise your children no matter how small their achievements.

2. Always listen to your children when they are trying to talk to you and offer them your compassion with whatever it is, rather than your judgments.

3. Allow them to be active in the decision making with the simple things in life such as the food they want to eat or the clothing they want to wear.

4. Set aside some fun time to partake in the things your children have fun doing with you.

I’m sure you’ll find in following these principles that your children will grow up knowing how to give and receive unconditional love. And isn’t that what you would want for them???

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

I love when I hear a story about an individual in this world who steps up during a time of crisis to help out in any way they can and where they have no expectation of receiving anything in return. Chris Cox is an example of such a person who has been spending his days and evenings picking up trash, cutting grass, and blowing leaves to keep walkways clean that the government currently is not doing because of the shutdown.

A native of Mount Pleasant, S.C. and living just outside Washington D.C. in Alexandria, VA, Cox visited one of the representatives of his native state, Rep. Mark Sandford, to voice his displeasure with the shutdown. While Sandford assumed the visit from Cox would be the end of it, he was greatly surprised to find Cox flying his state’s flag and maintaining the grounds around the Lincoln, Vietnam, and World War II memorials shortly after his visit.

When Cox was asked by a radio station why he was doing the grounds maintenance, he simply responded, “These are our memorials. Do you think that we’re just going to let them go to hell?” He also told the station that he’s not motivated by politics but wanted to keep the memorials looking tidy for the veterans who were going to be arriving for a planned Million Vet march on Washington. Sadly, he was approached by a US Park Service Officer who told him he needed to cease and desist his grounds maintenance even though the park service wouldn’t be maintaining those areas for now.

I want to first congratulate Mr. Cox for stepping up and volunteering his time to cover a job that has been affected by this U.S. Government shutdown. This is a terrible time that has many people out of work and wondering when they will be able to return to their jobs. Obviously of those currently on furlough, are the people who would normally be doing that grounds maintenance which Cox was covering. So I just find it so completely ironic that while the government can’t come to agreement on the fiscal Federal budget, it still has the audacity to direct a U.S. Government employee to end an upstanding citizen’s quest to helping out the government free of charge.

Imagine for a moment if everyone stepped up and starting doing similar things like Cox did to help out in areas that have been affected by this government shutdown. Would the government then tell each of those people to stop what they’re doing also? It really is sad that a man couldn’t do this one action from his heart in this country without being prevented by the government from doing so. While I’m sure it most likely has something to do with liability, the truth is that Mr. Cox was doing a thankless job and a favor for the government.

Nevertheless, for the brief period of time that Chris Cox did volunteer his time and maintain those memorial grounds, I consider him an example of a hero in our country. To me, heroes are those people who step up and offer some part of themselves to achieve a greater good without asking for anything in return. Mr. Cox did just that. I certainly hope for our government’s sake that they will pass this fiscal Federal budget soon so that things like those memorials and their grounds will begin to be maintained once again. It’s then that people will be able to continue truly appreciating all of their beauty and the symbolism they represent which was to honor our country’s hero’s who had hearts just like Chris Cox.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

I’ve come to the conclusion that too many people are often misguided when it comes to the right time for them to give advice to someone else for a problem or situation that other person is facing. What they don’t understand is that not everyone wants or needs it at the time they’re offering it. And in too many cases, the only person who ends up feeling better after it’s given, is just the person who gave the advice to start with.

A fact that many advice givers frequently overlook is that all too often they’re giving advice for situations they don’t really know much about at all. For three years now, I have endured many people who have given me their two cents on how I should be handling the pain I’m going through. Usually that occurs when I’m having a particularly difficult day with it and I’m wearing a long face because of it. In those moments, I’m generally asked by at least one person why I’m so down. After telling them, I always start to cringe when they begin to say the words such as “Have you tried…”, “Have you looked into…” or “Have you thought about…” That’s only because what follows after those words is a suggestion of something I’ve already tried. They failed to realize my full situation and the amount of paths from A to Z I’ve already attempted to find healing. So the result of their advice only ends up being more frustration for me and possibly greater feelings of hopelessness.

There’s also the other case of those advice givers who find it’s relatively easy to offer their opinions for a situation they’re not currently facing. But look what happens to them when the shoe is put on the other foot and now they’re in that same exact situation themselves? Isn’t it ironic that they have trouble at that point taking their own advice? It’s then they find out their own car they’re driving has its blind spots just like that person had who they were trying to hammer their advice into for the same problem.

In my spiritual walk, I have learned there are two principles that make for a much better way to approach those moments where advice might be given. The first is that a person gives advice only when they are asked for it. And the second is that advice is to be given only when it can be properly received. I have battled with adhering to both of these principles throughout my life and have seen the damage that my advice can cause another person when I don’t follow these guidelines. Most of the time that has happened is when I gave my advice to someone who hadn’t been asking for it or when they’re weren’t in a place to fully grasp and understand my suggestions.

This makes me think of someone I’ve tried again and again to help see how bad of a relationship they’re currently in. Often my advice giving process to them has started out because they were in despair about some aspect of their relationship. I often took that as a sign that I needed to intervene. But what I failed to see each time was that my attempts to jam my advice and opinions down their throat was no better than how their bad relationship was being to them already. While all they were wanting was someone to listen to them, they were getting instead some two bit advice that did nothing more for them except to make them angry, become silent, or respond with “I know, I know!” in frustration. I’ve come to learn that the best thing I could be doing in each of these situations is to instead be an open ear that listens to them and a shoulder to cry on. Doing either is an example of unconditional love and each are way more powerful than what any piece of advice can do for the other person. In the case of any friend who has been in a bad relationship, offering them constant love could lead to them becoming open to your advice and asking for it, or it could end up being the sole reason why they eventually leave that bad relationship.

So the next time you find yourself observing anyone else’s difficulties in life, such as a bad relationship, health issues, or anything else, before you start giving them advice, try to remember two things. One, you might not know everything about their situation and what they’ve already gone through with it. And two, you definitely aren’t living in their shoes so you can’t surely know what their blind spots are preventing them from seeing in their problem. If you should choose to proceed forward anyway by offering them your unsolicited advice, you may end up hurting them instead of helping.

Thus, the best advice you can give is initially no advice at all. Instead, take a moment, breathe, and just be there for that person by offering them your unconditional acts of love such as an ear to listen to, a shoulder to cry on, or a warm embrace. You may find in doing so that they become more open to asking for your advice, or quite possibly, it may be exactly all they ever needed to help them see a solution to their problem all on their own.

 

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson