Category: Words To Live By

Currently, there are close to three million marriages occurring each year in the United States. And sadly, most people know already of the alarming statistic that over 50 percent of them will eventually end in divorce. So why is that?

I believe there are many factors which contribute to that one out of every two marriage’s falling. But the truth is that most fall apart because the two people stop working together on showing support for each other and instead began focusing on their own selfish interests.

Being in a marriage is challenging and I’m convinced that sustaining longevity in any of them often requires putting the other partner’s interests first. In a new relationship or marriage, this often happens naturally. Each partner is generally so excited to be with each other, they automatically are willing to do just about everything outside their usual comfort zone. But eventually, that buzz wears off. And that’s when the ego begins to take control where many people return to their same self-centered selves that existed prior to entering into that connection. It’s then, that going out of one’s way to doing special things for the other partner, going above and beyond the normal chore duties to help that other partner out, and even just listening intently on the words coming out of the other partner’s mouth when they’re communicating, begins to fall to the wayside. This is when one or both partners begin to focus on their own needs, wants, and desires first and their other half’s second. And when that begins to take place over a period of time, partners become unhappy because they don’t feel as important in each other’s eyes which then leads the marriage to dissolve.

Then there’s those marriages which end because they only began based upon selfish interests that surrounded what a person looked like or had to offer them such as money or power. As those looks disappear when each partner grows older, or if that money or power begins to dissipate, the marriage can suddenly loose its allure because it was never based upon selfless and unconditionally loving principles.

I also know there are many marriages that begin based out of nothing but fear. My sister is in her second marriage now but her first lasted a very short time because a large part of her was afraid to be alone so she took the first offer that came her way. I’ve also known of some who married over their fear of being gay and others who were pushed into it because of family pressures. And unfortunately, for any of these types of marriages where some type of fear brings two people together, there’s a strong tendency for them to implode because they didn’t originate from a true soul to soul connection.

Recently, I’ve been talking about marriage a lot more with my partner who I’ve been with now for just about 18 months. Neither of us want to contribute to that alarming divorce statistic so we have been waiting patiently and working diligently on growing a spiritual connection with God at the center. This has translated into putting each other’s needs first more than not and given us a communication that is helping us to grow together. I believe that if we continue doing this, we will end up marrying when the time feels right and can become one of those couples that spends their lives together like Harold and Ruth Knapke of Dayton, Ohio did. I read in USA Today recently that this couple spent 65 years together happily married and on August 11th, 2013, just days before their 66th anniversary, they passed away within hours of each other. To me that is true love that was based upon a soul to soul connection.

It’s a shame though that so many other marriages end in divorce these days. There’s a good chance that any marriage which comes together because of fear or selfish interests will follow this trend, and only increase the country’s divorce rate. The same probably holds true for those marriages where one or both partners is focusing more on their own needs first. I’d safe it was a safe bet that neither condition was true for the Knapke’s who stayed happily married until their deaths.

For those out there who might be considering marriage right now, I really hope each of you will ask yourself honestly if you are doing it based upon true love and not out of fear or things such as physical attraction, wealth, or power. And as for those out there who might be already married but going through seriously rocky times, I really hope each of you will take a hard look at yourself to see if you might be placing your own needs, wants, and desires first and your other half’s second more than not. In either of these cases, you don’t have to eventually become another statistic that only increases our country’s divorce rate. Seek a Higher Guidance and know in doing this, you will be guided to healthier marriages.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Why is it that certain conditions often have to be met for many of us to be motivated to change a toxic part of ourselves? Often, those parts of ourselves that we want to change would benefit our lives greatly if we made them all on our own without waiting for those certain conditions to be met.

A friend of mine in the AA recovery circles told me the other day that they would walk out of a job that is extremely toxic for them if they met someone special and developed a romantic relationship. Knowing their job situation, which indeed is quite unhealthy for their spirit, I asked them why it wouldn’t be something they would want to do as an act of loving themselves a little better. I never did get their answer, but from my own experience, many of those conditions that I waited for never happened, and for those that did, any changes I made in my life were only temporary until at some point circumstances led me right back to doing those toxic things. The best example I can give out of my own life for how I learned this is what transpired back in 2000 when I met my last partner.

During the summer of 2000, like many other addiction based periods of my life, I used sex and porn to numb the mental and emotional pains I had inside. On most evenings I spent hours on the Internet engaging in visual stimulation that did nothing but pass the hours by. When I wasn’t doing that, I’d set up random “dates” with people that were really nothing more than attempts to have sex. In either case, I used the excuse that I was single and that I would change those behaviors if one of those “dates” ever turned into a real relationship. Deep down I knew that neither behavior was healthy for my mind, body, or soul but I kept doing them under the premise that I’d change when the condition of me getting into a relationship was met. And in August of 2000, that condition did occur. I met someone who I fell in love with and sure enough, I made those changes. First, I let go of all the people in my life that I was “playing around” with on any level. I stopped looking at all pornographic material. I even stopped making sexual innuendoes and doing occasional flirtatious comments. All of my focus was on the new relationship. And for awhile, it worked. I stayed healthy and away from all those toxic behaviors. But when then newness wore off of that relationship and that person moved in with me, I no longer got as excited over the connection. And one day, just like that, something stimulated me from my past. Whether it was something that someone sent me in e-mail, something that popped up on my computer, something that was said to me, or something altogether different, I can’t remember anymore. Either way, something triggered me with a quick high and a memory of how good those old behaviors used to temporarily make me feel. Within a short period of time after that, I was back to spending hours and hours looking at porn, fantasizing about other people, and hanging out with many toxic people who wanted to see me out of that relationship. And eventually, that happened and the relationship ended.

There have been other cases in my life where I told myself I would change certain things when other conditions were met. As I mentioned before, many of them never came to fruition and I usually lived with various excuses that kept me staying in states of toxicity. What wasn’t changing was what was driving me to doing all of those toxic behaviors in the first place. But there came a day when I began realizing all of this and started seeing I was just going around in circles. It was then I decided to work on removing all of the toxicity permanently in my life regardless of any outside conditions being met. Not only has it brought greater peace in my life, but it also has landed me in a relationship that is spiritually growing and healthy for me. While the highs are gone now in that relationship, I have experienced quite a number of temptations recently, that in the past would have derailed me and led me back to toxic living. But with all the work I’ve done and a deeper relationship with God, they have remained just that, temptations that I have never acted upon. Not even once.

Waiting for certain conditions to be met to make a healthy change in a person’s life doesn’t work. Often those conditions are never actualized and even when they do, it only temporarily leads that person to a healthier state. If you know of certain parts of your life that really do need to change because they are seriously toxic, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and ask God for the strength to make those changes now. Do the work necessary to making them permanent and I can assure you, your life will get a lot better and a whole heck of a lot healthier.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

I often come by interesting parables and stories that have inspired me on my own quest to becoming more selfless and giving. One that I came across awhile ago was all about sharing spiritually. What sharing spiritually means is when an individual is willing to give up something because they care so deeply. It’s also when they don’t feel that are owed anything in return for what is being spiritually shared either. When an individual takes an action and shares in this way, it’s unconditional and done without any type of agenda. The following story is an example of this type of spiritual sharing…

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There once was a Rabbi who was invited into a house one day by its owner. There the Rabbi came across a room where he saw the clothes of a clown. He asked the owner about the clothes and the owner told him the following story:

“Many times, I try to collect money for those in need. A poor person can come to me and I will go out in the city trying to collect whatever I can for them. One night, a man came asking for money and like usual I went looking, but for some reason on this particular night no one would offer me a penny! After I returned home, another person came and begged that I go for him as well, so I went back but again failed. Still later, someone else came asking for help and this time I managed to at least gather up the amount the man had asked for. I gave it to him and collapsed onto my bed, exhausted and ready for sleep. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. It was an extremely poor man. I wanted to help, but I was so tired and I had already asked everyone I knew. He pleaded with me until finally I had an idea. There was a rich man in the city who loathed giving to charity, but maybe the Light would make him do so just this once. I went to look for the rich man and found him in a tavern, drunk. When I told him what was happening, he reminded me he never gave to charity. But then he added, ‘Since I am in such a good mood right now, if you do something for me, I will make an exception just this once. All I want is for you to wear these clown clothes and walk around the city!” The rich man laughed loudly. He thought nobody would do such a thing because they would be laughed at and ridiculed. But I thought to myself, ‘If I don’t do this, there will be a poor man left with nothing.’ So I took the clown’s clothes and put them on. Sure enough, I was laughed at, spat upon and ridiculed. But thank goodness I got the money for the man who was in need.” 

Upon hearing this story, the Rabbi told the owner of the house, “If you are buried in those clown’s clothes, your soul will go straight to Heaven.”

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The point to this story is that the blessing didn’t come to the man just because he had shared. It’s the lengths he was willing to go in his quest to spiritually share a part of himself. The man was willing to go so far outside his comfort zone because he cared so deeply, even for a stranger, even beyond the point of exhaustion.

While I definitely know I haven’t gone to that great of a length in my life with any of the spiritual sharing I’ve done, it is something I would like to strive for. In the 12 Step world, they talk all the time about being willing to go to any lengths to maintain one’s recovery from addiction. In the spiritual world, I feel the same principle holds true as it did for this owner who was willing to wear a clown costume solely for the purpose of helping a poor soul. It’s my goal in life to become willing to go to those same great lengths to spiritually share, no matter what the cost is to myself. It’s a big goal to pursue, but one that I know God can guide me successfully towards.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson