Category: Words To Live By

One very strong reason why many relationships tend to fail is when one or both partners stop showing how much each other matters and instead take it for granted.

I think it’s very easy to fall into this state in a relationship where one stops doing all those special things that came so naturally during those first years together. Why people fall into this state could be for any number of reasons, countless really. In my case though, it was always pure selfishness and laziness in each of my past relationships, where I just assumed they knew they mattered to me just because I was still there with them. I see so clearly now how incredibly self-centered I was for thinking that then.

Thankfully today I know it’s in the little things that make the biggest difference in showing my partner matters. When my partner asks for a favor now, I don’t say “in a minute” and continue watching some tv show or playing a video game. Because I know if I was in the same situation, it’s what I’d want back. But how many times though in my past relationships did I yell from another room, saying “I’ll be there in a minute”, where more than a minute went by, usually plenty of minutes really, where sometimes I even forgot altogether to do the favor at all. None of which shows the partner they matter.

Even beyond the whole favor thing, showing my partner they matter also means leaving special love notes at times in weird places for him to find, doing my partner’s chores so he doesn’t have to and instead can rest, remembering things he said in conversation and repeating it back to him later to show him I was listening, giving him unique gifts from things he always wanted but probably would never get for himself, complimenting him regularly on how attractive he looks, listening to him share without judgment, offering him tokens of non-sexual affection like a head or neck massage, going to places he likes to dine at that I may not even like myself, and more. Unfortunately, my partner struggles greatly with all this, which has led to me feeling like I don’t matter to him on far too many days. Truthfully, it’s become our most discussed topic these days and something that has even challenged my sobriety from former addictions at times.

While being single and alone can be very difficult and create feelings of aloneness and not mattering, it’s just as difficult when you’re in a committed relationship and feel the exact same way . It’s been extremely challenging to live with a partner where I often feel more of a burden to him than mattering. The hard part is that I know my partner loves me, as I can feel it energetically at times, but as he continues to face his own inner demons and struggle to let them fully go, his ego often gets the best of him, where “in a minute” becomes more the norm than being there for me when I really need a helping hand or a loving embrace.

The bottom line is that many relationships tend to fail when one or both partners start taking each other for granted and stop doing those special, unique, and little things on a regular basis that show each other matters. As it’s in those little things partners do for each other that really make the biggest difference and always provide the greatest reminders of why the two are together in the first place, even after many years of being together.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

“I’m the friend who’s going to tell you the truth when everyone else is afraid to…”

Have you ever had a friend say something like that to you? I have and honestly, I really don’t need that type of friend in my life, because typically what follows a statement like that is nothing more than ego-filled judgments weighted in negativity.

Our world is filled with plenty of people judging each other all the time these days, but that’s most definitely something I don’t want or need in any friendship, as I’ve been judged unfairly throughout much of my life, starting with a mother who saw more of the critical in me than the good. But, I’ve worked hard to move beyond that, to let that part of her go, yet I find myself still in connection at times with people who remind me of her, who have the tendency to point out where they feel I could do better in life, highlighting more of their perceived notion of my flaws and shortcomings, rather than praising any of my positive traits. People like this rarely tend to own their own flaws and shortcomings and are so quick to point out another’s.

I used to be quite proficient at this, thinking I always knew better about those in my life, letting them know exactly what I thought, typically judging them profusely in the process, believing it was the right thing to do, “because no one else was ever going to tell them the truth”. All that did though was cause them more pain and drive a wedge between me and them. It’s one thing I can say my friend Cedric and I work very hard not to do with each other, which is why we’ve probably been the best of friends for almost a quarter century now. We don’t point out each other’s flaws or imperfections, or judge what we think either of us should or shouldn’t be doing, or ever focus on areas we believe each other could be doing better in life. Rather, we concentrate more on offering each other acts of compassion, kindness, and praise, and hold space for each other, even when we get stuck in extended periods of self-pity or frustration.

Recently, when someone close to me did exactly the opposite of this with me, offering me their “truth”, suggesting I enjoyed wallowing in self-pity and wanted to remain sick, it hurt immensely, because it wasn’t true on any level. It completely discounted the countless hours and work I’ve put into getting healthier by remaining physically active, eating healthy, meditating, praying, reciting affirmations, writing daily gratitude, volunteering, blogging about it all, and more. To say what they did immediately reminded me so vividly of a mother who was far better at criticism than praise. Why people become like this, believing it’s ok to share the “truth” they think they see in a friend, I believe solely stems from their ego, as it makes them temporarily feel better about themselves. Essentially, it lowers their friend, while temporarily raising themselves. At it’s core, it’s an unhealthy behavior that generally traces back to a parent or a former peer from childhood who did the very same thing to them.

While there have been certain key moments of my life when I have wanted a friend to “tell me the truth when no one else is going to”, such as when I was living in addiction and directly hurting myself or them, doing so otherwise isn’t spiritually healthy and is only going to lead to the demise of the friendship, as true friends need love and compassion far more than they need criticism and judgment, especially when going through any of those dark tunnels of life, no matter how long those dark tunnels may last…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

My partner Chris and I are rapidly coming up to our 10-year anniversary and had planned to celebrate it by doing a cruise, the very thing we did when we first met a decade ago. But sadly, being unvaccinated from COVID-19 due to my ongoing health issues, we learned that while I could still be on the cruise (given it was leaving from Florida), there were going to be a number of limitations during it. Because of this, we opted to cancel, much to my dismay, leaving me feeling like I let my partner down. When I shared this disappointment with a friend I cared about, instead of receiving compassion, I received a chastising about my unvaccinated status, shedding light on exactly what Dr. Fauci has said is happening in our country now, where a new division is happening between those getting vaccinated for COVID-19 and those who aren’t, a division I believe is solely arising out of ego.

There are far too many divisions in this country that stem from ego. Last year I witnessed this due to my non-political stance from both Republicans and Democrats alike. I’ve often experienced this with other issues as well, such as with my stance on guns, abortions, marriage, and a number of other hot topics as well. Far too often, I’ve received chastising’s for those stances I take in life, just for standing true to myself, even when I’ve accepted everyone else’s stances. Now I’m receiving chastising’s over not getting vaccinated and being told how ignorant I am, some even suggesting they know better about my health than I do. In light of that, my question is this.

When did it stop being ok to stand in our own truths, especially when they’re not being put on anyone else but ourselves?

My truth with vaccinations is simple. If you want one, get one, and if you don’t, then don’t, but don’t judge another just because their choice with vaccinations is different than yours. Personally, I’d love to vaccinate, but given the complexities of what I continue to face with my health, I’ve decided not to at the present time over fear of complicating my health even further, even if my risk is only 1%. With that now being said, I ask you, are you sitting there right now judging me and saying I’m dumb, or stupid, or thinking some other negative set of words, all because of my choice to not vaccinate? If you are, it’s precisely why disunity still exists in this world, because we keep letting our ego’s judge each other over our stances in life, especially when they don’t align with our own views. Unity is never going to come so long as we keep judging each other for the differences we have, in our belief systems, in our sexualities, in our races, or in anything really.

People have frequently told me that unity is a pipe dream. Maybe it is, or maybe it isn’t, but for it to ever even have a chance to manifest, it’s going to take the removal of thinking we know what’s best for everyone else. The fact is, I don’t know what’s best for anyone, it’s only my ego that always tries to tell me otherwise. Knowing this is precisely why my best friend Cedric and I are able to maintain such a close friendship after 24 years. We differ so greatly these days with viewpoints on the Bible, politics, sexuality, and some other things too, yet we remain the best of friends, all because we love and accept each other unconditionally for our differences, rather than let our ego’s judge each other for them.

The bottom line is that there is no one on this planet that I know better for. Trying to think I know what’s best for another will only ever lead to chaos, discord, disunity, and the like. If I ever want to see unity in this world, it’s going to mean accepting others stances in life that are different than my own and loving them regardless. Doing anything otherwise just leaves me operating out of ego, or as they say in 12 Step recovery, (E)dging (G)od (O)ut.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson