Category: Words To Live By

These entries focus on spiritual ways of looking at things I may come across in life each and every day.

The Story Of A Where The Brother Becomes The Sister’s Best Friend…

A long time ago, in a galaxy far away, there was a brother and a sister who were innocent, pure, and worthy of praise, affection, and unconditional love and their names were Andrew and Laura. It didn’t take long for them in life though to see what they’d experience the most were actually drama, chaos, negativity, and unwarranted discipline, all because of a few things their parents Lew and Pam struggled with immensely, that being alcoholism, PTSD, and manic-depression. In this story, one where Andrew and Laura rarely felt embraced, accepted, or good enough, the two truly needed to turn to each other for the support they didn’t get from their parents. Sadly, instead, the dynamics of their household pitted them against each other more than not, and the two quickly grew apart, learning to fend for themselves alone in a world where they felt like they never mattered.

This is a true story and one whose aftereffects continues to play itself out between my sister and I, someone I love dearly, but have very little association with at the moment. I often believe this is much in part due to how I treated her as a kid, as I viciously fought with her most of my younger years and hated spending time with her on most days. On the contrary, I know of many who bonded with their siblings growing up and consider them amongst their best of friends to this day, devoting time with them over the phone or in person regularly, which is what my heart truly desires with my sister now. While there are presently some unfortunate dynamics with my sister’s husband that most definitely affects the potential of this from ever happening, I also tend to believe things would be quite different even in the midst of those dynamics if I had been there for my sister when we were growing up and became the best friend she needed. It’s sad to say, but I was anything but that growing up to her. I was so incredibly mean to her then and have far too many memories of me lashing out at her for no reason. Looking back, I believe I took out on her what was unfolding before my eyes with our parents and their incredible dysfunctionality.

Nevertheless, I honestly long to have memories of my sister and I growing up with laughter, connection, and a close friendship in general. But, the truth is, we rarely experienced that nor spent any healthy time together enjoying each other’s company. Rather, each time my mother was mean to my sister, or my father leaned too heavily upon her due to his mental illness, I wasn’t there for her, leaving her to feel utterly alone. The fact is, feeling alone is something we both have felt quite a bit since our childhood, yet when we could have turned to each other to help with that, we didn’t. It’s much in part why we became codependent in our lives with each of the relationships we eventually found ourselves in, learning to depend far too heavily upon them for our survival and needs that we never got growing up. How much of that would be different today, if the two of us had bonded more growing up, being there for each other, I don’t know? But, add in the notion that I spent so many years in addiction after our childhood, it only further aggravates the estrangement my sister has always felt from me.

This is why I’m not sure if my sister will ever fully trust me in this life to be there for her because of how much I was never there for her when it ultimately mattered.  It’s one of the biggest reasons why I find myself often wishing I could go back in time and become my sister’s best friend early on, as maybe we’d be that right now. I know I’ve done what I can to rectify my past, but sometimes the damage done is just too great. Truly the matter is in God’s hands now, as only he can do the work necessary in my sister’s heart and soul, and with us in general, to ever bring about a close friendship between us again.

Regardless, I love my sister dearly and pray that one day I’ll be one of her best friends in this world, one whom she can trust and rely upon when life rears its ugly head, and one where she’ll never have to feel completely alone ever again.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

What Do You Do When The Thing You Want The Most From Your Partner Is Something They’re Unable To Offer?

What do you do when the thing you most want from your partner, due to your own issues in life, is the very thing your partner is unable to offer, due to their own issues in life? That indeed is the dilemma I’m presently facing with my partner Chris.

Chris and I have found ourselves struggling plenty of times with each other for the last five years, as five years ago, when he went away on a men’s retreat that I hoped would draw us closer, it did the opposite by pushing us farther apart. There, on his retreat, he re-opened a doorway into a tragic event from his past in the hopes to heal from it once and for all. While it accomplished that, it also shifted something else within him, so much so, that it erected a huge wall up within himself, notably on the emotional level. While I know most relationships go through their ups and downs, our relationship has had quite a few downs ever since that retreat. My long-standing health issues haven’t helped the matter either, as they’ve tended to only exacerbate the presence of that wall within him.

Where this shows up the most in our relationship is any time I find myself longing to be held or reassured, especially on those days when my pain becomes so great. This type of emotional support is something he once gave me freely and with plenty of regularity, because he wanted to and not out of codependence. It’s honestly what led me to want to be with him, as I never got that type of support in any of my prior relationships.

While I do my best these days to offer this to myself, that really only goes so far, and while my partner does provide for me in a number of other very important ways, including the staples of food, water, and shelter, he struggles immensely offering me the emotional support I desperately need right now in life.

Unfortunately, his patience has worn very thin over the years, specifically since this retreat, which becomes overly evident any time I’ve sought this type of support from him. Because of this, I’ve frequently sought it elsewhere, and occasionally found it with those I’m attracted to, which only leads the addict in me down a slippery slope. Ultimately, I want this from Chris and truly just miss the person he once was during our first four years together. While the mental blockage within him may hinder his ability to see that my need to be regularly held, touched, and verbally loved is a normal thing in a relationship, he does at least acknowledge the existence of the blockage.

I have prayed on this repeatedly over the years, asking God for guidance on what I’m meant to do. My old addict self would have left this relationship long ago, believing there was someone else better out there to offer the emotional support I need. Yet, I’ve seen the results of acting upon that ego-based urge so many times before, where I quickly learned time and time again that the grass wasn’t always greener somewhere else. The simple reality is that someone else indeed may be able to offer me the emotional support I need, but grossly lack in another area that Chris has bountifully been already giving me.

So, what do you do when the very thing you most want from your partner, due to your own issues in life, is the very thing your partner is unable to offer, due to their own issues in life? I have no idea. What I do know though is that I love Chris and I know he loves me, and I will continue to pray that love is enough to get us to the other side of this…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Maybe It’s Time To Finally Put Away All Those Election Campaign Signs And Flags…

I was old enough to record into memory the Presidential election of Ronald Reagan in 1981. I was nine at the time. Since then, I witnessed his reelection, and subsequently the elections of George Bush Sr., Bill Clinton, George Bush Jr., Barack Obama, Donald Trump, and most recently Joe Biden. If there is one thing I never saw after any of the prior presidential elections before this one is the presence of so many election campaign signs and flags still being up months after it was over, in support of the candidate who lost, something I find very upsetting.

As most know, I’m not a political guy at all and I came close to not even voting in this past election, because frankly I was so sick and tired of all the drama going on with friends fighting each other over who should be in office. But sadly, people are still fighting long after this election has ended, continuing to believe in conspiracies, and leaving those election campaign signs and flags up in their yards and at their businesses just to make a point. Not too far from my home in fact, on a construction site is a very immense flag flying, and I do mean it’s quite large, that says Trump will “Make America Great Again” and it irritates me, solely because it feels like it’s just one more way of creating separation in this country, something we don’t need more of right now.

People may believe through me saying these words that I am anti Trump. I’m not. What I am anti though, is not supporting who our current president is. Because if there is one thing that I do my best in, is accepting who our current leader is. I prayed for Donald Trump during much of his tenure as President and did my best to see the good in him. I did the same for each of the prior ones as well. I never took sides and I continue to do my best to see the good in everyone, including Trump and all the former presidents I remember being in office.

I know some may be wondering if I was bothered by all those during Trump’s tenure who wore shirts or made statements on Facebook that said “Not My President”. The answer is yes. Just as much as I’m bothered now by those doing it with Biden. Because making statements like this just puts us in opposition with each other, taking sides, and causing separation rather than connection, something that our country is so filled with right now.

Regardless of whether there is any truth or not to any of those election fraud claims or other conspiracy theories, does holding on to anger, bitterness, or the like by proudly keeping those election campaign signs and flags on display long after the election is over do any good for our country? Does it really make any bit of difference for the better for us? Does it bring any of us closer together? Does it help to create greater unconditional love between us at all?

Look, whomever is President is a tough job and I feel it’s my job to support them, even if I didn’t vote for them, by praying for them daily and offering my unconditional love, even when they don’t do what I think they should be doing. Because I know I most assuredly would screw that job up if I had it, as I’m sure we all would in that position.

Regardless, can we all please, just move on and accept that Biden is leading our country right now, even if it’s not someone you voted for? Maybe the first step in uniting as a country isn’t through some big policy change or law put into effect. Maybe it’s as simple as everyone putting those election campaign signs and flags away and moving on with acceptance of our nation’s leader and learning to love each other again no matter who we voted for.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson