Category: Words To Live By

What do you do when the thing you most want from your partner, due to your own issues in life, is the very thing your partner is unable to offer, due to their own issues in life? That indeed is the dilemma I’m presently facing with my partner Chris.

Chris and I have found ourselves struggling plenty of times with each other for the last five years, as five years ago, when he went away on a men’s retreat that I hoped would draw us closer, it did the opposite by pushing us farther apart. There, on his retreat, he re-opened a doorway into a tragic event from his past in the hopes to heal from it once and for all. While it accomplished that, it also shifted something else within him, so much so, that it erected a huge wall up within himself, notably on the emotional level. While I know most relationships go through their ups and downs, our relationship has had quite a few downs ever since that retreat. My long-standing health issues haven’t helped the matter either, as they’ve tended to only exacerbate the presence of that wall within him.

Where this shows up the most in our relationship is any time I find myself longing to be held or reassured, especially on those days when my pain becomes so great. This type of emotional support is something he once gave me freely and with plenty of regularity, because he wanted to and not out of codependence. It’s honestly what led me to want to be with him, as I never got that type of support in any of my prior relationships.

While I do my best these days to offer this to myself, that really only goes so far, and while my partner does provide for me in a number of other very important ways, including the staples of food, water, and shelter, he struggles immensely offering me the emotional support I desperately need right now in life.

Unfortunately, his patience has worn very thin over the years, specifically since this retreat, which becomes overly evident any time I’ve sought this type of support from him. Because of this, I’ve frequently sought it elsewhere, and occasionally found it with those I’m attracted to, which only leads the addict in me down a slippery slope. Ultimately, I want this from Chris and truly just miss the person he once was during our first four years together. While the mental blockage within him may hinder his ability to see that my need to be regularly held, touched, and verbally loved is a normal thing in a relationship, he does at least acknowledge the existence of the blockage.

I have prayed on this repeatedly over the years, asking God for guidance on what I’m meant to do. My old addict self would have left this relationship long ago, believing there was someone else better out there to offer the emotional support I need. Yet, I’ve seen the results of acting upon that ego-based urge so many times before, where I quickly learned time and time again that the grass wasn’t always greener somewhere else. The simple reality is that someone else indeed may be able to offer me the emotional support I need, but grossly lack in another area that Chris has bountifully been already giving me.

So, what do you do when the very thing you most want from your partner, due to your own issues in life, is the very thing your partner is unable to offer, due to their own issues in life? I have no idea. What I do know though is that I love Chris and I know he loves me, and I will continue to pray that love is enough to get us to the other side of this…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

I was old enough to record into memory the Presidential election of Ronald Reagan in 1981. I was nine at the time. Since then, I witnessed his reelection, and subsequently the elections of George Bush Sr., Bill Clinton, George Bush Jr., Barack Obama, Donald Trump, and most recently Joe Biden. If there is one thing I never saw after any of the prior presidential elections before this one is the presence of so many election campaign signs and flags still being up months after it was over, in support of the candidate who lost, something I find very upsetting.

As most know, I’m not a political guy at all and I came close to not even voting in this past election, because frankly I was so sick and tired of all the drama going on with friends fighting each other over who should be in office. But sadly, people are still fighting long after this election has ended, continuing to believe in conspiracies, and leaving those election campaign signs and flags up in their yards and at their businesses just to make a point. Not too far from my home in fact, on a construction site is a very immense flag flying, and I do mean it’s quite large, that says Trump will “Make America Great Again” and it irritates me, solely because it feels like it’s just one more way of creating separation in this country, something we don’t need more of right now.

People may believe through me saying these words that I am anti Trump. I’m not. What I am anti though, is not supporting who our current president is. Because if there is one thing that I do my best in, is accepting who our current leader is. I prayed for Donald Trump during much of his tenure as President and did my best to see the good in him. I did the same for each of the prior ones as well. I never took sides and I continue to do my best to see the good in everyone, including Trump and all the former presidents I remember being in office.

I know some may be wondering if I was bothered by all those during Trump’s tenure who wore shirts or made statements on Facebook that said “Not My President”. The answer is yes. Just as much as I’m bothered now by those doing it with Biden. Because making statements like this just puts us in opposition with each other, taking sides, and causing separation rather than connection, something that our country is so filled with right now.

Regardless of whether there is any truth or not to any of those election fraud claims or other conspiracy theories, does holding on to anger, bitterness, or the like by proudly keeping those election campaign signs and flags on display long after the election is over do any good for our country? Does it really make any bit of difference for the better for us? Does it bring any of us closer together? Does it help to create greater unconditional love between us at all?

Look, whomever is President is a tough job and I feel it’s my job to support them, even if I didn’t vote for them, by praying for them daily and offering my unconditional love, even when they don’t do what I think they should be doing. Because I know I most assuredly would screw that job up if I had it, as I’m sure we all would in that position.

Regardless, can we all please, just move on and accept that Biden is leading our country right now, even if it’s not someone you voted for? Maybe the first step in uniting as a country isn’t through some big policy change or law put into effect. Maybe it’s as simple as everyone putting those election campaign signs and flags away and moving on with acceptance of our nation’s leader and learning to love each other again no matter who we voted for.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Recently, I went to a coffee shop I normally go to at least once a week and decided to change things up by trying a new type of latte and a different topping for my croissant. What harm could that cause, I thought? Within minutes of beginning to consume both, I was breaking out in hives and feeling itchy, especially on my face. As soon as I discarded both and switched to my normal order there, the problem went away.

The fact is my body is extremely sensitive to everything I put into it these days it seems. Food, drinks, medicine, etc., I have had a number of reactions to plenty of things I’ve ingested or even put on my body topically over the years, things that probably aren’t ever a problem for the rest of the mass populace. Why I tell you this is that it’s the very same reason why I’ve had to make the difficult decision not to do any of the COVID vaccines at the present time, because I don’t want to risk having any more serious reactions with my health. And if you’re wondering what I reacted to in that coffee shop order, it was either the oat milk or almond butter, two things I’ve ingested before, that suddenly created a problem for me!

Nevertheless, while I fully support all COVID vaccinations in the hopes they will help remove this pandemic, I’m frustrated because companies are now moving in the direction of requiring vaccination cards if you want to do business with them. I’m having to face this very thing now with the cruise line my partner and I plan on sailing for our 10-year anniversary in 2022 that we already have a down payment towards. Cruise lines are just the beginning of a growing number of businesses that are talking about requiring vaccinations cards when doing business with them. While I don’t have a problem getting a COVID test, or taking all the necessary precautions of mask-wearing, remaining socially distant, and using hand sanitizers, requiring a person to have to carry a vaccination card feels as if rights are being taken away. Because I really don’t have the luxury of taking a COVID vaccination shot and assuming I won’t react to it.

For most people though, getting the COVID vaccine isn’t going to affect them whatsoever. Some, like my partner, might get localized pain at the injection point or minor body aches, but the vast majority will probably have little to no reaction at all. I wish I could safely say the same would be true for me. But when something as simple as drinking Chamomile tea causes me to break out in painful hemorrhoids (yes that’s true!), or taking Gabapentin a number of years back when prescribed caused me to hallucinate, or taking Ciprofloxacin a number of years ago as well for a prostate condition caused me to have red welts all over my body and extended damage to my skin, or consuming many other things I’ve tried where each has caused me serious side effects, some taking months or longer to resolve, I’ve had to accept there’s a significant chance I’d react quite negatively to any COVID vaccine.

So, yes, I’m frustrated, because it really does feel like my rights are being taken away when vaccination cards start becoming a requirement to do things like take a cruise. I mean, what if restaurants, movie theaters, airlines, etc., start following suit? Could this become a world where you’re only “good to go” if you have a vaccination card? While I know vaccinations for this virus are important, especially in light of me having had the dam thing for the entire month of January, and still having residual smell and taste issues since, it should still be a choice with no positive or negative ramifications stemming from that choice.

Regardless, I want to make one thing very clear. I’m not an anti-vaxxer, as I fully support whomever chooses to do a vaccination, especially a COVID-one. My stance on not doing a COVID vaccination presently is more about my health and the very difficult life I’ve been living long before this pandemic ever hit our world. I’ve had so many health issues that adding one more to my plate could very well break me for good. So, when there’s potential for me having yet another crazy reaction to something I don’t ultimately need right now for survival, I’m choosing to not take it for now. So yes, I may have to accept the fact that if the new norm of our world is the requirement of vaccination cards to do things, I may actually become a leper of sorts in society. But, if there’s one comforting thought in me saying that, at least I know Jesus will unconditionally love even lepers like me too…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson