Category: Words To Live By

Several people I know have lost their only remaining parent recently and currently are going through the grieving process of that. This type of grieving is most definitely different when both parents are now gone, as it often triggers deep feelings of abandonment and loneliness.

When I lost my mother, who was my only remaining parent at the time, while I was grateful that she was finally out of her pain and suffering from her chronic alcoholism and mental health issues, I was also detrimentally sad for no longer having a parent to connect with about anything in life. Even though both my parents had their faults and struggled with the sickness that came from their addiction and untreated mental health issues, they still loved me and did their best to show it. While that love may have been tainted at times due to the sickness they carried, I noticed I started to feel very alone in life once they were both gone. Although one could argue that I had felt that way for years by that point due to their sickness, there were still moments in the last few years of their lives that left a positive impact upon my heart, which is why I began to miss them both greatly when they were both gone.

The type of grieving that comes when both parents are now gone feels far different than when one parent remains alive that you may continue to connect with. When both parents have left this plane of existence, it triggers the little boy or little girl within us to long for the care of their mommy or daddy, especially when you are going through a lot of your own pain and suffering in life.

I’ve lost track of the number of days over the years, especially the past five, where my pain and suffering created a longing in me to hear my mother’s or father’s voice again. After my mother passed, I kept calling my home number that remained active for a period, just to hear her voice. The same was true with my father’s answering machine after he passed. Ironically, not too long ago, I actually dialed my old childhood home number just to see what would happen. It was a very rough day where I thought in some crazy science fiction movie type-of-way that one of my parents would have picked up and said, “Hi Andy”. Sadly, the only thing that happened was hearing the number was disconnected. Even so, I can still hear my parents saying “Hi Andy” and it brings a tear to my eye thinking about it, something that was exceptionally strong during the initial grieving process once they were both gone.

I will probably always miss my parents on some level and while the grieving of their losses definitely got easier over time after my mother’s passing and while the abandonment feeling eventually lessened as well, the loneliness remained. Loneliness that came from knowing there wasn’t a parent to go to anymore to hold me when I needed safety and reassurance that can only come from a parent. The love of a husband, a wife, a partner, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a best friend, or even the love from children if you have them, will never be able to replace the emptiness that comes when both parents are now gone. It just doesn’t compare to the protection parents often give their children.

This is why I miss you Mom and Dad as much as I do, even decades later beyond both of your passings. Even though I feel like you both could still be alive and well if you had just worked through your addiction and mental health issues, I continue to feel blessed for at least remembering the love you were able to offer me when you were alive, as it was plentiful at times, I see that now. The grieving I eventually came to experience in life after you were both gone was long and arduous, but what has remained behind beyond the emptiness of it, is a heart full of love for two parents who did their best to be there for me, when push came to shove…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

My two cats, Grace and Frankie, frequently demonstrate many of the very same behaviors that humans do when it comes to their interactions with each other. They are sisters having been with each other since birth, with my partner Chris and I being their second owners. Over the several years now they’ve been our pets, I certainly have come to witness quite a number of behaviors that remind me how pets are simply mirrors for us. It’s probably best to at least explain this by describing some of the personality traits of Grace and Frankie first.

Grace has to always be the center of attention. She never grows weary of being touched and will at times do her best to ensure you pay attention to her by inserting herself under your hand or using her paw to touch it, all to show she needs more love. And, she’ll whine loudly with one specific type of meow whenever she’s not getting it. She also becomes extremely jealous whenever her sister is being shown greater affection and has been known to get into a fight with Frankie over it. In addition, Grace likes to do certain things that only she can do but never done back to her. Take for example the action of grooming. She loves to groom her sister, even her sister’s butt of all things. I know, gross! But she will most certainly swipe at Frankie when Frankie tries to do the same with her. And when Grace wants you to know she’s not getting what she wants, she’ll disappear down the hall giving you the clear silent treatment. She most assuredly has positioned herself as an alpha cat here and comes across more than not as needy, selfish, and self-centered.

Frankie on other hand is the exact opposite. She likes to groom anyone and everyone, including our guests. She’ll do this on the couch behind you, licking the hair and scalp of whomever is there, including rubbing herself against your head, all to show her unconditional love for you. She’s also overly humble and will actually wait for her sister to get served food and treats first before she’ll even touch any of her own. Frankie does withdraw far more than Grace into secluded parts of our home and likes her solitude generally getting annoyed when Grace tries to disturb that. But rarely does Frankie ever stand up for herself during those times either. Instead, she just gives up, which sometimes even includes her favorite bed, perch, or sitting area, all to avoid having a confrontation with Grace.

What I find most interesting though about all this is how much Grace and Frankie are simply mirrors for me at times. I’ve been irritated with Grace for being so needy, yet how many times have I been needy, demanding attention in life? I’ve been irritated with Grace as well for all the rules she makes up and breaks whenever she feels like it, but how many times have I done the same, only keeping to the rules I make that benefit me? I’ve also been irritated many times with Frankie for not standing up for herself, where she gives up something precious to her like a favorite toy, yet how many times have I given up things that are precious to me for the happiness of another, while at my own expense? I’ve even been irritated with Frankie when she rarely puts herself first, but how many times have I done the same with my own health needs. The point is, I love the fact that I can see how my cats are simply mirrors for me, especially when I get frustrated at any of their behaviors, something I know now is just a projection of things from my own life.

So, maybe our pets are simply mirrors for us. And if that’s truly the case, the next time you find yourself getting angry or irritated at your pet for some behavior you don’t like, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and look for what that mirror could be, as you may just discover a piece about yourself that your pet is merely reflecting back onto you, all for you to see more clearly…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

One of my fraternity brothers, Felix, sent me the following on a Facebook message recently that he felt really would be a great blog topic for me. I agree, as after reading it, it left me pondering the message behind it for a good long while…

“My wife grew up thinking that having water/ice dispensers in the fridge door was a life goal. I grew up thinking if you had a basketball hop with a clear/plexiglass backboard, you were rich. What are some things you thought were indicators of wealth when you were a kid?”

As a kid, having Air Jordan sneakers was probably the biggest thing I thought indicated you were wealthy, given their $120 price tag back then. A close second to that would have been someone who had a full-size video game in their home, just like one you’d see in an arcade back in those days. To round out the trifecta of what I thought represented wealth as a kid, was anyone who had cable in their home, especially HBO. As a kid, I had none of these things and I coveted each of them in those who had them. I longed and longed and longed to have what I didn’t and one day, when the tide turned, when money came into my life, I was able to obtain those things, and guess what, none of them mattered in the end. I’ve come to learn that acquiring what most think represents wealth doesn’t ultimately matter. Why? Because it doesn’t bring ever-lasting happiness.

Having the most amazing car doesn’t bring ever-lasting happiness. I’ve had one and all it brought was a temporary and quickly fleeting sense of happiness. Having a humongous home in an exotic locale doesn’t bring true happiness either. I’ve had that too and all it brought me was the same, a temporary and quickly fleeting sense of happiness. This list is endless of the things that I thought at varying points in my life represented indicators of wealth and were initially life goals of mine. Home theater systems, video game consoles, vacations to faraway places, the latest phone with all those gadgets built into it, state of the art computers, blah, blah, blah, when I’ve had them, I was happy for a moment, until I wasn’t. In those first moments of having them, I always felt I had finally arrived. I finally had what my mind thought represented being rich. Having acquired something most others didn’t, initially made me feel good. And for those brief moments, I believed I had finally become someone in a world that was always so easy for me to feel like I was nobody.

Nowadays, I don’t have any of those things that most people in this country would associate to having richness and wealth. Ironically though, those who live in third world countries would probably say otherwise, as living in the humble home I do with running water and a hot shower is one that represents having wealth to many of them. But, chasing whatever one associates to wealth that can be acquired on this planet, regardless of whatever it is, eventually becomes a futile effort. If one’s path is to seek something that another has that they label in their own minds as having richness, it ultimately leads down a path that goes nowhere, where happiness diminishes more and more, until one is constantly seeking one shiny thing after another they believe represents wealth.

This is why I seek a different type of richness now, a richness in spirit and in closeness to Source, or God if you may. Having that type of richness is the only thing that’s ever left me feeling complete in a world that often feels so dam incomplete. It’s a joy like no other. Label it however you will, the joy I’ve felt from God when it’s come has been better than anything, any shiny wealthy and rich thing has ever given me. This is why I struggle so much now because I haven’t felt that in some time no matter how hard I’ve sought after it, which has left me teeter-tottering on the edge of going back down that endless quest of seeking after some worldly wealthy and rich thing all over again. While it may not be an ice/water dispenser, or a clear/plexiglass hoop either, whatever it is, I know there will always be something beyond each thing I associate to wealth, that my ego will want to get, all to keep proving to itself that I must be somebody in this world.

But you know when I’ll really know when I’ve finally arrived in the state I believe I’m meant to be in, a state that I believe represents a true wealth and richness? When I awake one morning and feel complete just being me, just feeling that deep love for God and for just being alive taking one breath after another, as experiencing that feeling is a joy like no other…a joy that I never found on my endless quest to acquire one thing after another that I kept associating to having richness and wealth…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson