The Twelfth Step

Even though I’m 42 years old, I occasionally spend time with an extraordinary teddy bear named Philip and I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to say that at all. He holds great significance with much of the spiritual journey I’ve been on so far in sobriety. And he is most definitely that which is stitched onto his sweater, which is a “Prayer Bear”.

Philip came into my life during one of the harder periods I’ve had to endure in sobriety, which was immediately after my father had committed suicide. I was regularly attending a church (MCC D.C.) at the time and I can remember sitting there in the pews every Sunday after his death crying my eyes out, wondering how I was going to make it through the pain I was feeling inside over this loss. On one of those particular Sundays, a couple approached me carrying a teddy bear in their hands and said it was a gift for me. They explained how this special bear had gone through its own difficult ordeal in life by pointing out the many patches and imperfections it had all over its body, as well as the stitching that said “Prayer Bear” on its sweater. They told me I’d make it through this grieving process and any others I had in life by simply holding this bear close, as it then would help remind me of this. From that day forward I began to do exactly that, time and time and time again when any of life’s tragedies came my way.

I named this bear Philip the day I received him because the sermon was on a reading in that specific book of the Bible. Philip has been through so many trials in my life that I consider him like a best friend now. I held him quite close when one of my best friends died from complications of AIDS. I cried all over him more times than I can count when my mother fell down the stairs drunk and died. After I lost every penny I put into the bed and breakfast I once owned, Philip provided me the much-needed comfort I desperately sought. He was also there for me during each of my codependent friendships that were abusive and toxic. And for the past four and a half years, Philip has been in my arms on more days than I can remember helping me to endure the high levels of physical pain my body still faces.

Philip really has been through every bit of pain I’ve suffered from for almost two decades now and I honestly cannot imagine life without him. I’ve often said if there were a fire in my home that left me enough time to take one thing that was non-living, it would be him. I know that may sound weird to you, but sometimes I truly believe that Philip is just an extension of my Higher Power’s love. What’s ironic though is that each time I find myself holding Philip and praying just as his sweater says, it’s almost as if my Higher Power is actually the one who’s holding me.

So however you end up taking this remains to be seen, but yes I really am a 42-year-old man who treasures a unique teddy bear named Philip. He was brought into my life during a tragic time and he’s been there with me through all the others, and for that I’m truly grateful to be in possession of a “Prayer Bear” who connects me that much closer to my Higher Power each and every day…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

When an individual has been rejected and/or abandoned their entire life from their childhood forward, it’s quite easy for them to start expecting it to happen with anyone who enters their life. With that being said, until they work through this issue enough, there’s a behavior that’s almost guaranteed to happen within the individual before any new relationship can ever take root and that’s self-sabotage.

I’m all too familiar with this art of self-sabotage, as up until only a few years ago I was quite skilled at it. That stemmed from the fact that I carried many demons for far too long dating all the way back to childhood. Back then I regularly endured rejection and abandonment at home due to my parent’s alcoholism and mental health issues. And at school, I received a ton of rejection from too many kids. By the time I went off to college, my father had abandoned my mother, and for a period of time he did the same with my sister and I as well. I did my best to stay numb from all of this for five years by drinking alcohol and doing drugs, which only pushed anyone away who ever tried to get close to me. After I became clean and sober from both, I just continued this same behavior of self-sabotaging each connection that came into my life. How that would transpire was usually the same.

It consistently began with me meeting someone new who seemed like they could be a good friend or even more. That would lead me to start spending time with them with the sole purpose of getting to know them much better. But like clockwork, the fear would start creeping in that they were going to walk out of my life at some point in the near future. The onset of that fear was almost always due to things such as them not answering the phone when I called, or them not calling me back in a timely fashion, or them being too busy to make plans, or them canceling ones we had made already. Regardless of the real reason why any of those things happened, the fear inside of being rejected or abandoned again was always enough to completely overwhelm my psyche. That’s when I’d start saying a self-sabotaging comment like “I don’t know why you want to be my friend, since no one else does.” Or maybe I’d say something more like “If you don’t want to be my friend, I’ll understand.” The truth was that I wanted to end the connection before the other person might end it. But ultimately, doing these passive-aggressive behaviors over and over again only created that self-fulfilling prophecy anyway of sabotaging the connection completely.

Sadly, none of this would change until I did my recovery work to fully forgive all those who had rejected and abandoned me throughout my entire life. Once I did though, the fear of being rejected and abandoned began to dissipate. Nowadays, I’m having much greater success in developing new friendships as well an intimate relationship with my partner. Unfortunately, I’m now having trouble on the other side of the coin though.

Someone who came into my life in the past year has become a constant reminder of my self-sabotaging days. I really try to do my best with patience, love, and tolerance with this person as they continue to demonstrate my old passive-aggressive self-sabotaging behaviors, but sometimes it’s too much for me to handle. It has helped me though to understand what others went through when I used to do these very same behaviors and for that I’m grateful, as I never wish to do them again. The reality is that all they ever gave me was a life of loneliness.

So it’s my prayer for this friend of mine, and all others who are still being haunted by the rejection and abandonment of their past, to find the healing and forgiveness needed to move beyond this never-ending saga of self-sabotaging one connection after another. As once they do, it’s a pretty safe bet to say that any new relationship will have far greater staying power and longevity in the long run…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson