Even though I’m 42 years old, I occasionally spend time with an extraordinary teddy bear named Philip and I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to say that at all. He holds great significance with much of the spiritual journey I’ve been on so far in sobriety. And he is most definitely that which is stitched onto his sweater, which is a “Prayer Bear”.
Philip came into my life during one of the harder periods I’ve had to endure in sobriety, which was immediately after my father had committed suicide. I was regularly attending a church (MCC D.C.) at the time and I can remember sitting there in the pews every Sunday after his death crying my eyes out, wondering how I was going to make it through the pain I was feeling inside over this loss. On one of those particular Sundays, a couple approached me carrying a teddy bear in their hands and said it was a gift for me. They explained how this special bear had gone through its own difficult ordeal in life by pointing out the many patches and imperfections it had all over its body, as well as the stitching that said “Prayer Bear” on its sweater. They told me I’d make it through this grieving process and any others I had in life by simply holding this bear close, as it then would help remind me of this. From that day forward I began to do exactly that, time and time and time again when any of life’s tragedies came my way.
I named this bear Philip the day I received him because the sermon was on a reading in that specific book of the Bible. Philip has been through so many trials in my life that I consider him like a best friend now. I held him quite close when one of my best friends died from complications of AIDS. I cried all over him more times than I can count when my mother fell down the stairs drunk and died. After I lost every penny I put into the bed and breakfast I once owned, Philip provided me the much-needed comfort I desperately sought. He was also there for me during each of my codependent friendships that were abusive and toxic. And for the past four and a half years, Philip has been in my arms on more days than I can remember helping me to endure the high levels of physical pain my body still faces.
Philip really has been through every bit of pain I’ve suffered from for almost two decades now and I honestly cannot imagine life without him. I’ve often said if there were a fire in my home that left me enough time to take one thing that was non-living, it would be him. I know that may sound weird to you, but sometimes I truly believe that Philip is just an extension of my Higher Power’s love. What’s ironic though is that each time I find myself holding Philip and praying just as his sweater says, it’s almost as if my Higher Power is actually the one who’s holding me.
So however you end up taking this remains to be seen, but yes I really am a 42-year-old man who treasures a unique teddy bear named Philip. He was brought into my life during a tragic time and he’s been there with me through all the others, and for that I’m truly grateful to be in possession of a “Prayer Bear” who connects me that much closer to my Higher Power each and every day…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
Both my partner and I brought teddy bears into our life-together. My most recent bear was given to me when I was having a large skin-graft on my leg just before I got sober. I will spare you the description of the wound-debriding process, but suffice it to say that I screamed, repeatedly. They gave me the bear so I’d have something with which to muffle the screams. He’s been the mute companion who would just listen, when I wasn’t ready or able to talk to anyone else. A friend once said that they should put a hygrometer next to “Sandy” so they could tell my mood by the humidity in the poor soggy bear. 🙂
I’m also reminded of the powerful blessing of tears. In “The Little Prince,” I remember the line, “It is a secret place, this place of tears.” Gandalf’s final words to the hobbits also applies here: “I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are evil.” Tears for me are as often about overwhelming joy, beauty and relief as they are about pain, regret, or suffering. Powerful music, great beauty or art, even the perfect taste of a well-prepared food dish can move me to tears. One of the bigger challenges in life has been not to apologize for them – they are a part of me.
People often think the stigmata of a grown up man having a teddy bear shows weakness. I think it’s the reverse and shows a sign of strength. I’m glad you two are ok with having them too!