What Does Sobriety Mean To You?

In recovery, when someone mentions their “sobriety date”, it usually represents the first day they became clean and sober from whatever the substance of their addiction was. I’ve learned over time though, especially in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), that the word “sobriety” itself actually means something different for each and every individual.

In AA, the general consensus as to what “sobriety” means seems to be that of when a person is free of all alcohol and drugs (unless prescribed and taken as instructed). There are those in recovery though who believe all we have is today because it’s a “one-day at a time” based program and many of them choose to never disclose the last time they drank or used a drug because of it. But there are others who follow this same mindset because they continue to relapse again and again. On the one hand that can help prevent putting themselves down each time they relapse, it can also become a way to avoid reaching any type of sobriety.

There’s another set of people I’ve met in AA who define their “sobriety” by breaking it down to each individual substance. In the meeting rooms I once attended in the Boston area, this was commonly known as “The Marijuana Maintenance Program”. That name was derived by the many individuals who came to meetings and shared they had been sober for years, yet they regularly still smoked pot. And while pot is just one of those substances this happened with, there were many others who remained totally free of alcohol but still abused their prescriptions or justified taking a medication they weren’t prescribed. To them, their sobriety date represented their freedom from alcohol only. The reverse has been just as true of “The Marijuana Maintenance Program”. Many have ceased taking all drugs (unless prescribed and taken as indicated), but still go on drinking alcohol occasionally because it was never a problem for them. To them, their sobriety date becomes the last time they got high only. Sadly, I’ve never heard of anyone having success with “sobriety” in either of these situations. One of them has ALWAYS led them back to their original poison and addiction.

For me, my first definition of sobriety began on June 11th, 1995. That was the first day my system became free of all booze and drugs (that weren’t prescribed and taken as indicated), as well as nicotine. For the longest time, I shared that date out of pride and ego and not for the good it could do. I often wanted to make myself look better than others simply by sharing the number of years I had sober because they were greater than another. Through my spiritual work and walk with God, I’ve learned the importance of my sobriety date is only to show others that long-term sobriety can exist, even through the most difficult of life’s unfortunate circumstances.

But today, I have a new definition of “sobriety”, as it means something so much bigger than it ever used to for me. It has a lot to do with the intensive spiritual journey I’ve been on for the past few years. Now, “sobriety” means being free of all the things I once used to do to keep myself numb from any pain that came from living life. Initially that was only defined as alcohol, drugs, and nicotine, but today it also covers the addictions I had with sex and love, codependency, gambling, overeating, shopping, caffeine, and more.

I’m starting to believe now from my own experience that how one ends up defining their “sobriety” really depends on where they are on their spiritual journey and in their recovery. From observation only, the less I’ve seen someone be guided by a Higher Power, the more loosely they’ve seemed to define their sobriety. But the more I’ve seen someone be guided by a Higher Power, the more it seems they do their best to become free of all addictions. I realize though it’s not my place to judge how one ends up defining “sobriety”, but it is my hope that one day all of us will become free of all addictions and have our Higher Power guiding our ENTIRE lives.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

“Maybe Those AA’rs Were Right…”

“Maybe those AA’rs were right” are words that can be found in the Step 1 chapter of The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). They are words that I hold dear to my heart now because of the part they’ve played on my journey to recovery from the addiction-filled life I once had.

To put it bluntly, I used to think that AA and all other 12 Step recovery programs were for weak-minded individuals. Through quite a bit of self-will run riot, hitting progressively lower bottoms, and observing those who remained active in those programs from a distance, I eventually realized how far off base I really was.

My first exposure to 12 Step recoveries was back in the summer of 1995. A therapist had recommended me at the time that I check out some AA meetings to help guide my newfound sobriety from alcohol and drugs. I initially followed her advice and went to a bunch of them in the Northern Virginia area where I was living back then. I didn’t attend them very long though because I allowed my mile-wide ego to tell me that AA was for a bunch of crybabies who couldn’t work through their problems on their own.

I spent the next 12 years trying to do just that…figure it out on my own. While I made a few friends here and there from those recovery rooms, I often kept my distance from them because I became so involved in various substitute addictions like gambling, and sex and love. As I continued to hit lower and lower bottoms from the progression of my disease, I noticed those friends were always smiling so much more consistently than I was. I saw how they weren’t ever experiencing those deep valleys that come from living in an addiction-filled life. And although I remained clean and sober from alcohol and drugs during all those years, I became more and more miserable while those friends seemed to become more and more happy.

Sadly, even though I had many moments where I thought that “maybe those AA’rs were right” from some of the things I did hear in the meetings I occasionally attended and saw in those friends, I still proceeded to wreak further havoc and destruction onto my life from my active disease.

I truly believe that a person’ will will stop living in their disease of addiction, whatever it is, when they experience a bottom that’s painful enough to make them stop doing it for good. In my case, that bottom came from losing both a seven-year relationship that I thought I was going to spend my life with and the entire $600,000 investment I made into a business that went belly up. Thankfully, when that happened, I became willing enough to finally get a sponsor and do those 12 Steps.

In the seven years that have passed since then, I have grown immensely and no longer act out in any addiction. I also am so much happier now than I ever used to be. My life isn’t being lived anymore through major highs and lows and honestly, I’m still amazed that I never relapsed on alcohol and drugs during all those substitute addiction years. But more importantly, I’m even more amazed at how much those words have become true for me of “maybe those AA’rs were right” because the fact is they really were…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Progress, Not Perfection

I’m far from perfect and I don’t ever claim that I am in any way, shape, or form. But I definitely do my best today to follow when Bill Wilson said in Alcoholics Anonymous that it’s all about progress, not perfection.

As I kid I constantly tried to achieve perfection in just about everything I did because I wanted to make my alcoholic parents happy. I truly believed that if I were perfect in their eyes, they would have loved me a lot more unconditionally. Unfortunately, even when I thought I reached that in various things I did, it still was never good enough for them. There was always something more they cited out that I could do to make it better. And so in turn, I tried harder, and harder, and even harder to reach that state of perfection that might gain their approval. It never happened and this search would go on to become one of the hardest character defects I had to face and work through in my recovery from addictions.

The simple fact is that I finally realized in recent years that I’ve spent the majority of my life trying to reach a level perfection that didn’t exist. Whether it’s been in a job, or any task I’ve taken on, or with my appearance, or in my day-to-day chores, or in any of my relationships, I’ve often drove myself crazy trying to make it all perfect. My recovery and my spiritual walk with God have helped me to see that life is about this perfection though. Instead, they’ve helped me to see that the beauty in life truly comes through all its imperfections and the progress we make in working through them. I believe that’s what Bill Wilson was referring to when he said that recovery was all about progress, not perfection.

Although I remain very diligent and focused in the recovery work from my addiction-prone life, I’m able to say now that I’ve made a tremendous amount of progress within it. I also find I am telling myself more and more lately that what I’m spiritually doing and the accomplishments I’m making are good enough. That’s a big change for someone who usually believed what he was doing wasn’t good enough and that he always needed to try harder.

As a kid I was consistently blinded from seeing all the progress I was making in life as I grew up. None of my awards and achievements meant anything because my focus was always on reaching that imaginary level of perfection. The same held true for most of my adult years as I struggled throughout them to give myself credit for any progress I made anywhere. Looking back, I can see now in both my younger years and my adult years that I’ve made an incredible amount of progress. In other words, I’ve giving myself credit now for the progress I’ve made throughout the years and in doing so, I know it’s helping me to move away from a life that only sought perfection.

Seeking perfection really did nothing more for me than make me miserable and cause me to beat myself up over and over again. While I still try my best to excel in everything I do today, I look for the progress I make as I do it, instead of trying to reach some imaginary state of perfection. Doing so has made me a much happier person and I have to thank Bill Wilson for that. For it is his wise words that once said that recovery was all about progress,  not perfection, and now I’m thankfully starting to see that…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson