“Negative Nancy” And “Gloomy Gus”

Hopefully no one reading this has the first names of Nancy or Gus, but if you do, this article really isn’t about you. It’s about how I spent several decades of my life with two very distinct personalities, “Negative Nancy” and ‘Gloomy Gus”. In all essence, they truly were my best friends for all that time. That was until I finally saw how they did nothing more for me than drive people away and hinder my spiritual growth.

I believe we all learn how to be a certain way because of conditions and situations that carry on around us. In my case, growing up in a dysfunctional home where my mother and father always seemed to be negative and gloomy, it’s a safe bet to say I learned it from them. But why would anyone want to be this way you might ask? It’s pretty simple.

It initially will draw favorable attention and comfort from others.

Neither of my parents received the unconditional love and support from their parents, which they deserved when they themselves were growing up. By the time they reached adulthood and met each other, alcohol further complicated and numbed that reality. I can remember many moments where my mother would resort to that insecure little girl within her who desperately wanted to be loved and have all attention on her. Being negative and gloomy were the two main ways she was able to achieve that, as my father, sister, or myself would comfort her when she became that way. It was no different with my father either. He would go through many periods where he became the same exact way and my mother, my sister or myself would bring him the reassurance his insecure little boy sought. Sadly, being around this repeatedly for all those years and seeing how it gave my parents some benefit, “Negative Nancy” and “Gloomy Gus” got passed down to me.

I began to notice these two best friends were in my life through many of the friendships I drew in over the years as I matured. They say that those closest to us are often mirror projections of whom we really are inside. In almost every single case, every friend I spent the most time around carried that same rain cloud over them just like I did. Unfortunately, all those friendships ever did was foster codependent behaviors. It often became a battle of whose insecurity was greater, and whoever won did the comforting for the other’s negativity and gloom.

My addiction-prone life, the tragic loss of my parents, and various health-related issues, would only complicate and strengthen my belief that I needed “Negative Nancy” and “Gloomy Gus” to survive in this world. As they continued to give me the attention and comfort my own insecure little boy sought, I never understood why so many left my life after such a short period of time of being in it. That was until I realized how much my negativity and gloom sucked the life force out of those I was around, out of the rooms I was in, and out of the brightness that existed everywhere I went. Eventually anti-depressants and mental health medical diagnoses became part of what supported Nancy and Gus.

All of this accumulated until I spent four close years with someone who was the exact mirror projection of myself. I saw “Negative Nancy” and “Gloomy Gus” day in and day out in them. I attacked them repeatedly because of it, never realizing I was the same exact way. It wasn’t until I became willing to look in the mirror and see who I had become (my parents), did any of that change.

Through immersion into 12 Step recoveries, I drew closer to my Higher Power who helped me to finally see this within myself. I finally understood how this was a huge character defect within me that had supported me for so long. Over the past two and a half years, it’s been a huge undertaking to fully remove this defect of character.

I’m a lot better today because of the work I’ve put into letting go of “Negative Nancy” and “Gloomy Gus”. They are showing their faces less and less within me because I know now they will do nothing more for me than keep me spiritually frozen and alone. Thankfully, I find people being drawn into my life now, not because I’m being negative or gloomy, but because my Higher Power is transforming me into a spiritual beacon of complete love and light…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Double Life Of An Alcoholic

“More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it.” (p. 73, 4th edition Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)

I was living a double life up until only a few years ago. I was often such a fake, a charlatan, or a magician at best. The illusion I portrayed outwardly for everyone to see, especially in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, was usually quite elaborate. Although I was truly clean and sober from alcohol and drugs during all those days, I was still lying to my Higher Power, myself, and everyone else as well because of what I was doing when no one was watching me.

The true test of a person’s recovery from addiction really is best seen by how they live their life outside the meeting rooms, as that’s when no one is really watching them. I understood that so well that for years I did exactly what I was supposed to do in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous so no one really knew how much of a sham I was.

I’d go to those AA meetings diligently.

I’d check in and do weekly work with my sponsor.

I joined a home group and got active.

I helped many newcomers through sponsorship.

And at the podium, I even learned how to present my story in such a way that it was very inspirational for others.

But deep down inside I didn’t deserve any of the accolades I got quite often from doing all of that. That’s only because the life I was living outside the recovery world was completely opposite of what I was portraying in it.

To put it bluntly, outside the recovery world, I was a backstabbing, character assassinating, gossiping, 13th stepping, dry drunk who was active in plenty of other addictions.

While a good portion of my days might have been filled with positive 12 Step work, the rest of it was self-seeking to the max. I was addicted to porn, sex, had love obsessions that were really just lust, and was extremely codependent upon others. I told white lies regularly and was angry and resentful at the slightest thing. I’d also regularly ditch plans with one friend solely to be with another because of them having something more to offer me. While my recovery world persona showed strength and confidence, my non-recovery world showed insecurity, doubt, and fear on a consistent basis.

Eventually all my deception revealed itself though, and that happened when I landed in a mental hospital for a good number of days. I had thought of myself as such as great actor, but instead I had become completely washed up, no longer able to sustain the double life.

Through hard work, a closer relationship to my Higher Power, and turning my will ENTIRELY over, I began working on removing that double life. Eventually, the day arrived when I starting realizing the person I was in the recovery rooms was actually the same outside of them as well. I saw how the words I was speaking with such passion in the meetings and to sponsees, was the same ones I was practicing throughout my entire life.

I live my recovery program from addictions 24/7 now, whether someone is watching me or not. I also have a much better reputation today both in the recovery world and outside of it too, and I actually do feel like I deserve that today. But I give all that credit to my Higher Power, as I know if it weren’t for God, I’d still be doing my best to be that actor who was living a double life and dying inside. Thank God that’s not who I am today…and hopefully it’s not you either…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

There’s No Need For Regret…

Have you ever lived with regret for an extended period of time over some decision you once made where it led you to experience great difficulties in life? I have with one in particular and lived with regret for years because of it until I realized just how much good actually came out of it.

The major regret I’m referring to began in March of 2003. My partner at the time had been unemployed and decided his next career move was to become an innkeeper at a bed and breakfast. After visiting several inns for sale with him, I realized I wasn’t interested at all in following his new business venture. Little did I know that the codependency I suffered from at the time would say otherwise? So when my partner told me that month he was going to run a B&B with or without me, I panicked and chose to follow his dream anyway. That decision would begin my rapid descent into financial despair where just two years later, my bank was notifying me that my partner had over drafted the business account by close to $1500. From that point forward, I would throw dollar after into that business hoping it would save not only it, but also the relationship. It saved neither and by the time January of 2010 arrived, I was signing a dotted line for a short sale that saw me walking away with only the shirt on my back. When all was said and done, the decision I had made against my better judgment in March of 2003 had led to my financial loss of more than $600,000 in cash.

For several years after that I harbored major regret over that decision. In fact, my brain became so occupied with the “what if’s” that I convinced myself my life would be far better if I had just said no to my partner when he first approached me about that new venture. Once I started drawing closer to my Higher Power though, I began seeing things from a much better perspective. I started understanding that nothing good was coming out of me carrying that regret or any regret for that matter. All it really was doing for me was causing me to harbor great anger and resentments. But through a tremendous amount of hard work and prayer, I began looking for all the positive things that came out of that decision instead of focusing on the negative. That’s when I discovered that:

…because of my B&B life, I had enough free time to learn how to do and teach meditation and numerology.

…because of my B&B life, I met a writer at a local newspaper there and was given a column to explore a talent I never even knew I had.

…because of my B&B life, I finally saw I needed to seriously work on my codependent ways.

….because of my B&B life, I learned that money couldn’t fix everything.

….because of that B&B life, I learned an incredible amount of humility.

I’m sure there are plenty of other positive things that came out of my decision to buy that bed and breakfast all those years ago. But as soon as I started focusing in on the positive versus the negative, the regret began leaving me for good.

I am fully convinced today that my path was always meant to own a B&B for that short period of time. The lessons I learned there were invaluable and I wouldn’t go back to redo any of it today even if I was given the chance. I am so grateful to say that I don’t live with regret anymore over it or anything else in life. But that’s only because I have clearly seen how my Higher Power has always done something good for me no matter how great of difficulties ever arose from the “bad” decisions I’ve made throughout life…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson