As I sit here in Starbucks drinking my cold brew during what feels to have become the loneliest holiday season ever, I find myself pondering something I’ve realized I’ve let everyone else dictate for my entire life and that’s the type of love I truly deserve. Ever since I was a young kid, I’ve allowed myself to be told I’m being too needy. Having had alcoholic parents who couldn’t give me love freely or unconditionally is where this pattern began.
Here’s the thing, when you try to go to someone who’s broken and ask them for love, well you’re going to get a broken answer, which usually equates to being told you’re being too needy. Because in reality, they can’t offer you the very thing you deserve. You can ONLY get unconditional love from someone who knows how to love themselves unconditionally. My parents never loved themselves unconditionally so they couldn’t ever give me that type of love and neither could any of those I pledged my heart to afterwards for the same reason. And that was only made worse by the fact that I didn’t love myself unconditionally as well, mostly because I never learned how to.
I believe that like attracts like, which led me to attracting people who were only mirrors for all my brokenness stemming from my childhood. Everyone became mirrors of my dysfunctional parents and each reaffirmed the broken patterns I learned way back then from them, leading me again and again to the same conclusion in their minds, that I was too needy. When in reality, I only needed to learn how to unconditionally love myself for this pattern to finally end. And when I finally did learn how to do that over the past few years, I realized what I want now is someone I’ve never been with yet.
Honestly, it took me living an entirely broken childhood and five long term relationships to finally grasp the type of love I truly deserve and always have. And I know God wants this type of love for me now as well. I know now that I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who wants to grasp my heart and never let go of it, who wants to hold me and love every minute of that without counting the minutes of how long they have to do it, and who wants to embrace my lips with such passion that they feel my soul through them. Throughout my entire adult life thus far, I’ve chosen one person after another who has never been able to offer me love like this.
Instead, I’ve allowed myself to be embraced in worldly ways with mostly carnal expressions of love with those who always seem more concerned with my appendage size, what I look like without my clothes on, what type of body hair I have, what sexual positions I like best, and countless other lower vibrational things that honestly don’t matter if you want to have a relationship filled with unconditional love. But when you choose to live in a relationship with someone who begins it with carnal expressions of love, when their fantasy of you runs out, so does that type of love, and that’s precisely when you start getting told you’re being too needy each time you approach them for greater expressions of love.
I know what type of love I want now and I’m waiting for it. Because I truly deserve it. And always have…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
