A Harsh Reality Of The Amends Process

Today is May 1st, the day of my former partner’s birthday that I spent seven years of my life with. He was also the one I owned the bed and breakfast with that eventually had its ill-fated demise at the beginning of 2010. The last time I had any contact with him was when I made an in-person amends with him back in August of 2011 for all my selfishness and self-centeredness that had affected our relationship, as well as our former business. While he seemed to receive the amends quite well back then and even said he’d keep in contact, I haven’t heard from him since. Unfortunately, this is definitely a harsh reality of the amends process I’ve come to learn over the years in recovery from addiction.

I used to think that making an amends would somehow completely gloss over any of the damage I had caused the other person. In many cases, it actually did, but sometimes that damage was so great that the person receiving the amends wanted nothing more than to keep the door permanently closed with me once the amends process was complete. In the case of this former partner, that’s the path our connection took, which I can totally understand now.

Other than financially supporting much of our business, I was rarely there mentally, emotionally, or even physically. I complained all the time with just about everything and was severely controlling in far too many ways. In fact, I tried to sabotage the business more than not as time went on, mostly because I was miserable inside and never felt it was my dream. The worst pain though that I know I caused him was how I allowed my sex and love addiction to lead me astray while we were still together.

When our business went under in January of 2011 due to financial failure, I initially pointed my finger at him saying it was totally his fault. I’m sure that only compounded the animosity he had already felt towards me at that point in time. It took awhile longer for me to take a hard look at myself and realize that I held an equal piece of responsibility to its downfall, hence the reason why I ended up making an amends with him late in the summer of that same year.

While I felt much better after making the amends, his lack of any contact after that has given me a strong reminder to an important note in the amends process itself. Making an amends is never about rekindling a connection. It’s also not about making someone else forget all the pain I caused them. And it’s definitely never about getting them to own their part either.

Making an amends is about one thing and one thing only. It’s about owning where I was selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, and afraid and how those things ended up causing harm to the other person. Thankfully, I was able to do that with this former partner and since then have had to accept that I may never hear from him again.

So as I sit here and reflect on one of the harsh realities of the amends process, my only hope for his birthday is that he no longer feels burdened by any of the damage I once caused him. Nevertheless, I’m just grateful I was able to make my amends with him all those years ago and clear away my side of the street because the only thing that has remained in my heart since then when I think of him is love and compassion. I only pray that one day he be filled with the same anytime he should think of me…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Uncomfortably Comfortable

There have been many pain-filled days in the past six months or so where my ego has tried to convince me that relapsing into any one of my former addictions would bring me some much-needed relief. While I’m sure doing so would help me become numb to the pain for a period of time, I know the only thing it’s ever done for me in the long run is make me feel a sense of being uncomfortably comfortable all the time.

Pain sucks, to put it bluntly. I mean who really wants to feel pain anyway? I sure didn’t for all those years I sought one addiction after another and various people, places, and things to help me hide from ever facing it. But doing so eventually just led me to having this constant feeling like I was uncomfortable in my own skin, that something was really off inside me. And the longer I remained uncomfortable in my own skin, continuing to look for things externally to keep numbing any pain I felt inside, the more I grew comfortable living out my life that way. This is precisely the reason why I ended up remaining in a constant state of feeling uncomfortably comfortable for over several decades.

Until I became willing to go through the pain, that feeling never went away. Instead, I’d awake every morning and experience the tip of my pain iceberg and would immediately scramble to find something to start numbing myself from it. I was always restless, irritable and discontent with everyone and everything because of it. In fact, it was quite easy for me to get into a fit about anything. The truth is I was so scared of feeling the pain I kept suppressing inside. But yet I was also just as much scared of staying uncomfortably comfortable for the rest of my life as well.

After my mother passed away about ten years ago though, something inside me began to shift. The amount of pain I was trying to suppress at that point was too great, which is why I went off to a silent retreat to finally begin facing it. Since then, I’ve been on a path that has caused me to go deeper and deeper within to find the ultimate source of that pain. As the years passed, all those layers of it that I pushed down would rear their ugly heads. And each time they did, my ego would attempt to convince me to run back to that state of being numb and uncomfortably comfortable. Sometimes I did, but more often I didn’t, until three years ago, when I stopped giving into them at all.

Now I’m facing the most difficult of pain I’ve ever faced and it’s harder than anything I could have ever imagined. I’m at the true source of my pain now, the one I believe led me down that uncomfortably comfortable path all those years ago. My ego is constantly screaming at me to do anything that will take the edge off of what I’ve been feeling lately. But I haven’t done anything but continue to feel this pain, because I’m convinced the source of it is that I stopped believing in God long ago. And when I did, I started looking outside of myself for one thing after another to bring me comfort, thinking God could never give me that.

So as I sit here and type these words, enduring the greatest pain I think I’ve ever faced in my entire life, I’m not feeling uncomfortably comfortable anymore because I’m not trying to escape from it either. Instead, I’m doing my absolute best to keep my faith in God that in going through this pain, I’ll be led to a much deeper, richer, and fuller life, one where I won’t have the desire to numb myself from living it ever again…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

To Andrew Arthur Dawson

A few weeks ago, I dedicated an entire blog entry to my partner Chris for all the things I felt make him truly unique and special. But something that’s always been a lot harder for me to do is look for the same things in myself. More often than not, I’ve found it far easier to find those qualities in everyone else instead. In fact, I’ve spent more time beating myself up over the years than able to see those attributes in me, hence the reason for today’s entry. So this article is dedicated to you Andrew Arthur Dawson, someone who is just as much truly unique and special in this world.

Look, I know you’ve had plenty of ups and downs in life Andrew, many of which you feel you didn’t do so well in. Yet, the truth is you’ve successfully navigated through every one of them, always taking a hard look at yourself in each and spiritually moving forward through them all. The biggest one of which is without a doubt, your recovery from your life of addictions.

You seem to easily forget all those days you lost due to submersing yourself in each of them. But look at yourself these days Andrew, you aren’t engaging in any one of them, not alcohol or drugs, not caffeine, nor even the sex and love based one that plagued you the most. Now you’re dedicated to going to recovery meetings on just about every single day of the week. You’re also diligently sponsoring five different individuals through the steps. And don’t forget how at every chance you get, you share your experience, strength, and hope with only one intended desire, to guide others to find the same within themselves.

Another huge achievement in your life is with your writing Andrew. Do you remember when you first discovered your joy of it and spent two years being a motivational columnist for several newspapers in Virginia, as well as finishing your first novel, Sebastian’s Gift? I know how often you’ve forgotten those accomplishments and instead focused on all the years you stopped writing after that. But look at you now. You’re maintaining a spiritual blog and writing new entries on a constant basis for it, consistently finding some amazing ways to expand your talent. And the last time I checked, you have composed over seven hundred original articles, which is definitely an impressive feat in itself.

But what’s even more impressive is the dedication you’ve had over the past three years to healing yourself from within. Not only have you walked through great levels of pain without any medications the entire time, you also have never given up any of your spiritual routines out of frustration. Instead you’ve remained steadfast every day listening to your spiritual teacher’s audio attunement, meditating for 40 minutes, writing in your gratitude journal, praying, and doing your list of affirmations that at times has even exceeded over 250 repetitions. Many would have given up on your quest long ago, discarding the holistic healing process you’ve chosen to remain on, and opted instead for an easier solution. That’s why I’m so proud of you Andrew for sticking with it and keeping your faith in God, because I know you are on the cusp of reaping the fruits of your hard labor.

There is one more thing that should not go unmentioned as well Andrew and that’s the success you’re having in your relationship with Chris. Don’t your remember in each of your prior relationships how you usually thought of yourself first. Take a good look now and you’ll see how more than not, you continue to place Chris’s needs, wants, and desires ahead of your own, even on days when your pain levels have been great and you’ve wanted to be selfish. Even more importantly is the fact that you continually own when you’ve been at fault with something, which is a far cry from the days when you blamed your partner for everything, especially your own mistakes.

There are many more things as well Andrew you’re doing today that show just how far you’ve come on your spiritual journey in life. From saying grace at every meal, to offering unconditional love to everyone, to removing all the anger and resentments from your life, to learning how to have greater patience in even the silliest of things like doing 1000 piece puzzles, you truly are very unique and special, and I’m so very proud of you for how far you’ve come.

So thank you Andrew for being a much stronger beacon of light for the world nowadays. It’s become a far better place for others to live in because of all your hard work and spiritual growth. Never forget that and never give up. And know I love you unconditionally Andrew Arthur Dawson, always and forever.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson