Month: March 2013

“I Wish I Could Stay Here Forever!!!”

Have you ever been on a vacation having an amazing time and caught yourself saying something along the lines of “I wish I could stay here forever!”?

The first time I mouthed those words was as a child when my family took an annual vacation for two weeks in Myrtle Beach, SC. We left the Saturday after the school year ended and were always there to the Saturday after the fourth of July. I have fond memories of being immensely excited for those vacations when they got closer. My sister does as well. In a family where being dysfunctional was the norm and verbal shouting matches with anger and control were an everyday commonplace, the vacation in Myrtle Beach seemed like a reprieve from it all. For whatever reason, my parents became happier during it. The fighting was minimal, if present at all. My sister and I received a lot more praise. And our parents spent time doing things with us that were fun and made us feel like we were one happy family. I lived for those two weeks. I can still remember building sandcastles with my Mom and Dad. I remember having ice cream sundaes at an all you can eat toppings location after a long walk to find it. I even remember eating too much hush puppies at our favorite restaurant that we always went to on our first night out. And that’s just a couple of things that I remember fondly as there are hundreds more.

So why did my parents act differently during these annual vacations?

The best answer that I’ve been able to come up with is really based upon one of my own life’s travel experiences.

I’ve been to quite a different number of places in the world for a vacation but I have to say that I’m partial to going to beach destinations. It’s ironic because I currently live about 10 minutes from the beach and yet when I travel I like to go to places where they are present. What can I say? I love the ocean, it’s vastness, and it’s tranquility. Maybe that’s because of those beach trips I did year after year as a kid. Either way, many years ago, I took my first trip to the Caribbean. I was on a cruise that left out of Florida and was at that time in a different relationship. One that was rapidly falling apart. I really loved this man who I was trying to spend my life with, but unfortunately, he had fallen out of love with me and fallen more in love with the bed and breakfast that we were trying to own and run. What’s fascinating is that I remember how my relationship had so much drama and fighting, and arguing and yelling, even right up until the day that vacation began. But when we arrived at our warm and tropical destination, my partner started to treat me so much better. He showed me affection again. He offered me the warmth our relationship had once shared. He paid me compliments and gave me the attention that had long since disappeared. And that’s when I caught myself saying those words again, “I wish I could stay here forever!” And that’s when it finally began to dawn on me why my family was so happy on each of our annual vacations and why it seemed to be happening again in totally different circumstances.

Life is distracting. Our self-will takes us down paths that change our focus from the things that truly mean something, to things that we think are supposed to mean something. We place all our attention on making money, building businesses, acquiring “things”, and being busy for long hours of the day, all the while losing interest and focus on one the most important things in this world. Love. Love for ourselves and love for another. The partner I had on that vacation back then had been with me at that point for about five years. In the first few years, he could have been the poster child for what unconditional love is. Then came the day that he began to pursue his dream to run a bed and breakfast. Over time, the burdens of achieving that dream shifted his interests and his love on every level from me to it. The same held true for my family. My father relentlessly pursued his IBM career with long work hours. My mother in turn gave up her dream of being a French Interpreter that she had originally gone to college for, and instead became a housewife. Neither seemed very happy with themselves or their day to day lives but being on vacation changed everything. There were no worries or concerns for either of them other than where to go for dinner or what putt-putt course to play that evening. I saw my mother and father hold hands, laugh, and be happy with each other. As soon as we would arrive back at our home upon completion of the vacation, it was as if all of what we had just experienced in the past two weeks had been an illusion. The fighting resumed. My sister and I got yelled at again for no reason. And we were left with another 50 weeks to look forward to our next reprieve.

Vacations are just that, a reprieve from life. They can be awesome and rekindle some elements that may have dwindled in connections between friends or partners. Unfortunately, the longer the vacation, the more apt the everyday aspects of life will return. I’ve experienced it having thought I could make the loving times last longer by extending more weeks onto the end of once shorter trips. In each and every case, those worries and concerns, and those things that shifted the focus away from the love in the first place, began to creep back in, along with the fights and the arguments.

Today I’m in a much healthier relationship where I’ve noticed something pretty special. We express love to each other all the time even with each of our own concerns of every day life. When we take one of these reprieves and go on vacation, it only gets better. I believe that’s the way it probably should have been in all of my dysfunctional relationships prior to this including even my family. I don’t wish anymore that I could stay forever at where I’m traveling to. I believe that’s because I’ve placed God today at the center of my life and in doing that, it seems that whether I’m sipping fruity drinks under the tropical sun or whether I’m home watching snow accumulate in feet, that I happy either way.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Traveling Experience

I recently went on air travel that brought out some thoughts on why it is that I both love to fly and loathe it at times as well.

Heading out to the airport is exciting isn’t? Unless one has a fear of flying, I’m guessing it’s an enjoyable feeling inside as the arrival at the airport happens. Unfortunately, there is so much that has changed at the airport these days because of security that has caused some of that enjoyment to be curbed for many.

First there are the lines that one must endure to wait to check a bag, change a seat, or speak to an agent for any other reason. Sometimes those lines are short and the the wait to see the agent is quick. But in other cases, waiting an hour or more could happen. For someone like me who has trouble standing for long periods because of my current ailments, I generally try to arrive at off times to avoid that, even if it means waiting several hours or more for a flight.

The next hurdle is the baggage weigh in. Please stay under 50 pounds. Please!!! That is what my thoughts generally are saying when I place my heavy suitcase on the scale. If one is lucky enough to fly JetBlue or a few other airlines that allow for the first bag free, staying under 50 pounds will not incur any extra costs. The downfall is when the suitcase is 51 or 52 pounds and the agent asks if you can remove something within it to bring it down to the maximum limit. If I’m lucky enough to have a carry on bag, sometimes that’s possible. Most of the time it’s not and a cost of $20 to $40 happens. Add in the cost for the “non free bag” airlines, and suddenly, one might pay $50 to $60 before they even leave on their trip.

The biggest hurdle for many is going through security. With heightened measures today, it just seems that every one is looked at like they are a potential terrorist and often I feel that those same measures have become invasive. I understand they are for our own security reasons but sometimes I see that it can go overboard and cause more fear. When I was a kid, I remember thinking it was exciting to go through the security. That was before one had to take off their shoes, their belts, their sweatshirts, everything in their pockets, be x-rayed, wanded, and scrutinized by several agents. In my last security screening, I was scanned twice because of my belt which then held up a vast number of people patiently waiting to go through the same process.

The last hurdle is the boarding process. Some airlines have people hoarded in like cattle and it’s a first come first serve basis to get a seat. And in the boarding process for most airlines there is a priority of who gets to get on the plane first. Some are even charging extra if one wants to board early. It seems like unless one is disabled, the more money one has to spend, the more they will get the privileges that used to come for everyone many years ago in the flying experience. What’s even more difficult, is that by the time some board, there is no storage left in the over head compartment because people bring as much as they can on the plane to avoid paying the fees for the baggage at the gate. Lately with the disabilities that I am going through with my sciatica and numbness, I pre board because I am unable to stand for long period of time.

And finally there’s takeoff, after everyone is boarded and seated, after watching the airline attendants show the safety procedures, and after any potential delays on the runaway. In worst case scenarios, there is also the potential of delays in the air to land, delays to get to the gate upon landing, and delays to pick up any checked bags at the carousel. Then, and only then, one can take a breath of fresh air and relax that they are at their destination (that is unless they are waiting for in a cab line, or have to get a car rental, or a friend is running late to pick them up, or they have to shuttle out to find their car in a sea of other cars parked in long term parking.)

In my new place in life, I try to look at the positive experiences with everything and focus on them instead. Upon arrival at the gate, I generally like to talk to the agent and smile and make them feel like they are important. Because they are as they do a lot of hard work and have to deal with unruly people quite often I’m sure. At the security, I usually get to talk to someone interesting while I’m waiting to go through the screening. This past trip I met a young woman on holiday travel from a journalism study program at her university in Vienna, Austria. Once the screening is done, I enjoy the wait for my flight because I get to watch people and see how their lives are playing out. I look forward to eating something and just relaxing while I watch the planes arrive and take off outside. And on the plane, I almost always get to know who is sitting next to me and in some cases, I’ve even make a long term connection and exchange contact information like I did a few trips ago with a former pastor and his wife who have been praying for me and my healing ever since.

I believe everything in life can be viewed from positive or negative perspectives. As much I can list out what I struggle with on the flying experience, I have to say that the good outweighs the bad, and I’m grateful to God that I’m even able to go on a trip and fly in the first place.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

“I Know They’ll Leave Their Marriage For Me!!!”

I’ve been wanting to write about a certain subject for awhile but I was unwilling to do so until enough time had passed.

Several years ago, I met someone in AA during a very sick period of my life. On an early morning 7am meeting, I saw a man who I guessed was in his late 40’s walk into the meeting I was at. I could tell he was troubled and withdrawn and I also could tell I was attracted to him. At that time in my life, I wasn’t self aware enough to have known about any of my other addiction issues outside of alcohol and drugs. During the time of open discussion in that AA meeting, this man raised his hand and shared about his constant relapse issues. When the meeting ended, normally, back then, I would have just left. Rarely, if ever, did I go up and introduce myself to a newcomer because of how self-centered I was. On that day I did, and for one reason only. Because of my attraction. Unfortunately, my others addictions had me in their grip then and it was as if I was on auto-pilot.

I said hello to this man, who I’ll call Richard for anonymity purposes, and gave him my card. Much to my addiction’s eager surprise, I received a phone call the next day from him and was told he wanted to sit down with me and share his story. We set up a time and when that arrived, I remember clear as I ever will, him looking at me and saying that he had struggled with his sexuality since he was a young boy. He went further and said that he was married and has had “experiences” on the side. I told him I could help him with AA and I started working with him. I realized that after a week or two, I wasn’t going to be able to continue doing that because of my attraction, and so I told him about it. He thanked me for being honest and said that he’d still like me to help him with some of the AA work anyway. I should have run fast, far away right then, but I didn’t. I told him I would do what I could and the next day he had off from work he came over to my house. Richard sat down next to me on my couch and started to read with me AA literature. As I was reading, I noticed he placed his now bare foot on top of mine and before I knew it, he began to make sexual advances on me of which I didn’t refuse. I’m not sure if I ever intended to refuse them.

Our “relationship” went on for two years. To everyone else, we were the best of friends. We did sports together, took trips together, had many meals together, spent holidays together, and even had “sleepovers”. I became a regular at his house and even got a key to let myself come and go as I pleased. Hidden from everyone else was the sexual relationship that existed, the adultery, and the lies. To make matters worse, he had relapsed again and again during our time together and I got to watch what it felt like to be on the receiving end once again in my life of the emotional abuse of an active alcoholic. But there was some part of me, I say today a sick part of me, that liked the toxic relationship. I liked the major highs of getting away with what we were doing. And I continued to believe that he was going to leave his wife as time passed. Why? Because he told me. Again and again.

Looking back at the relationship, I realize today just how mentally unstable we both were and how sick our connection was. He and his wife had been married for a very long time and she was completely oblivious to his “extra curricular” activities as we often referred to our intimacy. I noticed that when he had more to drink alcoholically, he made more false promises. Most alcoholics do, for that matter. But when the heart is involved, even if it’s a toxic love, people do things they probably would never do otherwise. Unfortunately, with the major highs I experienced in that relationship, so came with it the awful lows. I remember all the times where I was told I wasn’t welcomed and days went by where he avoided all contact with me to “punish me” for things I had no idea what they were really about. I remember where I was blamed for his sexual advances and told I had some power over him. I remember where I was called homophobic slurs just after being sexually intimate. And I remember the long hours of listening to him talk about how his marriage was awful and how he really just wanted to be with me and that he didn’t know how to do that.

Why I am writing this is because it’s something that I want to have as a visual reminder in my life of how far I’ve come from those dark times and how much I never want to go back to that way of living. Through my AA work and fully having God now at the center of my life, I’ve examined where all that craziness began. It started with me. It started with my lust and my giving him my number. There were so many times along the way that I wanted to stop what I was doing because I knew what I was doing was wrong on so many levels. But I couldn’t and I didn’t.

I’ve met a lot of people in my life who have lived in these kind of relationships themselves. Each of them including myself lie to ourselves and say it’s ok because the other person’s not happy and they are making the advances too. In other words, it’s ok because it’s two consenting adults. But I have taken my life to a higher power today and want to live at a higher spiritual plane where God calls the shots in my life. There’s no way to put it other than I was as guilty of adultery as much as he was even though I wasn’t married or with anyone else.

Richard never had any intention of leaving his wife. He had the best of both worlds as he used to tell me. He had his “boy toy” on the side to get his “fix” and he had the comfort of his loving wife who would have done anything for him and had been there for him since high school. The biggest illusion that I faced and that anyone in one of these situations faces is that just because two people are engaging in sexual activity and feeling something in their heart, doesn’t mean that it’s going to equate to “happily ever after.” And in most cases, the outsider is generally the one who is heartbroken time and time again. When push came to shove, Richard would always choose his wife.

I’m not sure why anyone ever falls into a relationship like this. Maybe it really is an addiction that brings out incredible highs especially when it surrounds an adulterous connection. Thankfully, Richard is no longer a part of my life and hasn’t been for several years. Our relationship began to come to a close when I had stopped the sexual contact between us and said we should just be friends. I had already started living with so much guilt it was making me sick on every level. The friendship didn’t last long because of the constant temptations he kept placing out there for me, taunting me to come back to that behavior and when I didn’t, he eventually moved onto another willing guy participant and I said goodbye. It was then that I realized I never was anything more to him than just satisfying an urge or a demon he had inside.

It took another two years after that for me to find freedom from that addiction or those type of relationships. The biggest lesson I learned in all of this is very simple. If you meet someone who is still married and shows any romantic or sexual interest in you…

RUN. RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN. RUN AWAY AND DON’T LOOK BACK. If they are going to cheat on their partner, then they’ll cheat on you. If they are still married, then a part of them is still with their spouse. It sounds pretty simple, but when caught up in a big adulterous mess like I was, it’s hard to see anything. Thankfully, I’m no longer blind.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson