Ok, I’ll admit it; I’ve never really been a big fan of any of those AA slogans. After going to so many meetings over the years and hearing people use them over and over again at the podium, it’s worn me out just a little. That’s not to say that they don’t have real application and purpose in my recovery. Sometimes I do still hear one that I’ll ponder for a while. But all in all, I’m not hip on using them when I speak at any podium because I’d rather use my own words that come directly from my heart. There is one thing though that I have always wanted to do with those AA slogans. It’s been a sincere desire of mine to write about my own journey in recovery by using as few of words as possible except those which come from any slogan. The following is my story written in many of those AA slogans of which I hope you truly will enjoy…
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But for the grace of God, I initially found my sobriety and a new way life beginning on June 11, 1995. For the longest time before that I just couldn’t let go and let God on any level and alcohol was my only master. I learned that best from growing up in a family where the sick didn’t know they were sick. We all were “f.i.n.e.” in our own way, but unfortunately what that really meant was that we were f—‘d up, insecure, neurotic, and emotionalmore than not. Every one of us lived in denial, which wasn’t the river in Egypt, but we sure were always drowning in it! Maybe that’s because none of us were ever fully honest, open-minded, and willing to do the next right thing…
I was the first one amongst them to become sick and tired of being sick and tired after five long years of romancing the drink day after day. The pain had become great enough and my life so unmanageable that I began to try to live life on life’s terms by pursuing sobriety. Sadly, I didn’t stick with the winners though and I didn’t do 90 meetings in 90 days so I never got the chance to see if any of those meeting makers were truly making it. I also didn’t stay out of relationships for my first year of sobriety nor did I keep coming back to learn that in AA it really works if you work it. The truth was that I had way too much “e.g.o.” and kept edging God out. Where AA said to think, think, think and when all else fails, to follow directions, I took my will back instead and didn’t put first things first.
As the years passed, I became such a dry drunk that I was seriously flammable! My disease was constantly doing pushups, getting stronger and just waiting for me to slip except that I already had because I had discovered other addictive substitutes. People often said in passing that God would never give me more than I could handle. I had a hard time coming to believe that, when both of my parents died from this incurable, progressive, and fatal disease while I was just starting to learn how to do it sober. I tried to keep on trudgin’ through all the pain and tell myself that this too, shall pass, but it never seem to. Maybe that’s because I couldn’t face living one day at a time nor could I ever seem to realize that alcohol was but a symptom. I didn’t understand that recovery was about more than just getting sober and it was a journey and not a destination.
I expected miracles to happen in my sobriety but how could they? Faith without works was dead and I wasn’t working anything. Selfish, self-centered, dishonest, and afraid to the very core, that’s who I had become. I began to wallow in so much self-pity that the phrase “Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink…”was sounding more and more like a good idea. I knew I had to quit playing God or else I really would eventually have a slip and learn it’s only a pre-meditated drunk. Ironically, it wasn’t my load that was weighing me down, it was the way I was carrying it. All of the depression I had was just years of anger turned inward. And what I didn’t know was that God could and would take care of all of it, if He were sought.
I knew that if I could just surrender to that Higher Power, the journey would begin moving me from sobriety into recovery. My anguish was what finally got me there so it must be true that pain is the touchstone for spiritual growth. After 12 long years of being in too much of it and as sick as I was in my own secrets, I told myself it was time to keep it simple silly and knew willingness was going to be the key. So I went back to AA and began to take suggestions by getting a sponsor and making use of telephone therapy. It took me awhile to get it and my sponsor would say I was trying. Very trying! I had to laugh at the analogy but I guess you can say it was hard to keep an open mind, when I had been closed off from the sunlight of the spirit for so darn long. At first I didn’t have much experience, strength, and hope and usually I brought my mess to the meetings instead of the message. I think that’s because when the alcohol is taken out of the alcoholic, there’s still a lot of “ick!”
As the years in recovery passed, I struggled to act as if and tried to fake it till I could make it. My sponsor would remind me I didn’t get sick overnight and that while my elevator was still broken, all I needed were the 12 steps to fix it. Unfortunately, I tried to do that with half-measures, which availed me nothing. My own behaviors continued to “h.a.l.t.” any forward progress as I got hungry, angry, lonely, and tired from constantly taking my will back. I knew I needed to get out of the driver’s seat and let God drive the bus except I wasn’t. And I knew I needed to switch seats soon with God who was still my co-pilot or else I was going to drink and to drink was to die. Even after I had a few 24 hours under my belt in my recovery, this disease was still proving to be very cunning, baffling, and powerful. That might have been due to the fact that I still continued to hang around the bad barbershops, and by doing so; I kept getting terrible haircuts from each of them.
When I finally turned over my entire will to the care of God, as I understood God, I found the courage to change and became part of the solution, and no longer the problem. I’m so grateful I didn’t quit before the miracle happened like both of my parents tragically did. Unlike them, I have worked hard to trust God, clean house, and help others and became amazed before I was halfway through the steps when I fully followed them. I began to intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle me and learned that if I was to keep it, I had to give it away and pass it on to someone else. I try to count my blessings today, and always remember I’m never alone. For this reason, I frequently go to meetings, even when I don’t want to, because seven days without them will make one weak.
As I continue to live and let live in recovery each and every day, I can see now how it takes time, that change is a process, and not an event. I have an attitude of gratitude present, more so than ever before. And I believe that’s all because I finally let it begin with me. I follow God’s will everywhere it now takes me, as it never has me go to where God’s grace cannot protect me. Because of this, I have more solutions than problems today and can say I am a walking miracle.
The results are in God’s hands for every one of us including both you and me. And, I know that more will be revealed to each of us by living in the moment or in the now as any AA’r might say. So just for today, know you are exactly where you are supposed to be and it really does get better. And keep on, keeping on, because in doing so, you surely will trudge the road to happy destiny…May God bless you and keep you until then…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
