Recently, I was asked to get in contact with a person I had dated a number of years ago. A friend in AA was making amends with me and wanted to reach out and make them as well to this former ex of mine whom he had also hurt. Given that I’m in a monogamous relationship now with someone, I’ve been less inclined to maintain contact with anybody I’ve previously dated. With most of them having been unhealthy for me when I was with them, I feel today it would be detrimental to my healing path to remain in contact. It’s not that any of them were inherently bad; it’s just that there were levels of unhealthiness for my own spirit with each of them. In the case of this person, he was someone I had met while traveling abroad who was already in a relationship with another man but “had an agreement” that he and his other half were able to have a lover outside their relationship. At the time, I didn’t want to be alone, and settled for less than what I deserved by dating him for over a year of my life. So with slight apprehension, and strictly as a favor to this friend in AA who was trying to do his step work, I sent an e-mail to this ex. What I received in return, is one of the main reasons why I don’t desire to talk to any person I previously dated anymore.
In this e-mail, I reached out by saying hello and updated this person on a few tidbits of my life, which included slight details of my current partner, my involvement in recovery, where I was living now, and my newfound love for writing daily. I included links to my website and my blog and ended with my friend’s request to make a formal apology for any damage that may have affected this ex during the time we had dated. Not more than an hour later, I received his very angry and judgmental based response about how he felt I was living my life and that it appeared now to him that I was addicted to God. He went on to do what he did quite a bit when we had dated, which was to tear me apart on some level with any life decisions I was making. He ended his response by saying my AA friend can screw off and live with his actions.
Thankfully today, I don’t have to own other people’s negativity, problems, or projections. For the longest time I did, such as when I had dated this person. Since then, I’ve gotten much stronger on all levels, especially spiritually, and if there is one thing I am very happy to say about my own life, it’s that if I am addicted to God, I’m ok with that.
I’ve been addicted to just about everything in my life including alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, caffeine, gambling, sex/love, shopping, traveling, and food. Each of them, I pursed with relentlessness to where nothing else mattered but me obtaining more of each of them. Friends, relationships, life’s duties, social obligations, and family were all disregarded when I indulged in any one of those addictions.
In the past year, I have worked diligently to turn my entire will over to the care of God. What initially began as 3rd Step work in my AA recovery has become more of a way of life now. Since doing this, my life has gotten so much better. I care about those friends and relationships a lot more now. I never avoid life’s normal duties or social commitments anymore. And my relationship with my sister and her kids has become much stronger as well. Even better is my outlook on life. Whereas I once was completely negative with just about everything, I find it’s the reverse now with me trying to see the good everywhere.
Is all of these positive changes due to me choosing God first and foremost in my life? I believe so. That is why I write about God on some level in every one of my blog postings. That is why I speak about God when I am at any AA meeting or speaking engagement. And that is why you will hear me talk about God on some level in any conversation I hold with anyone. God has changed my life for the better and I never, ever, want to go back to the way I once was such as when I dated a person like this ex. Back then I was godless, disoriented in life, directionless, completely ego-based, and consumed with unhealthiness in almost every facet of my life.
There aren’t enough words of gratitude that I can offer God for helping me to be released from those dark prisons I lived in for so many years. I may still have a small ways to go before I’m completely out of some of them, but I can truly say that turning my entire will over to the care of God was the best darn decision I’ve ever made in this lifetime. If I had to say I was addicted to anything anymore, it would most definitely, without a doubt, and positively be God and I have no regrets about that. Without God, my life was in the toilet being flushed away. With God, my life seems to be coming brighter and brighter each and every day. So if I had to choose any addiction to chase after for the rest of my life, you can bet your ass it will be trying to get closer God.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
