Month: May 2013

My Life Then And Now

It’s difficult sometimes to see from within my own perspective any growth I’ve made over the past few years of my life. Being riddled with tremendous amounts of physical pain daily has often altered my perception and reality of just how far I’ve come. I decided that this entry was to essentially fulfill a homework assignment I created for myself as based upon my new therapist’s urgings. She had encouraged me in my last session to write down any signs of progress and healing I’ve made since January of 2010 when my life came crashing to a halt.

Three years and four months ago when 2010 initially began, I officially lost the bed and breakfast I had owned and everything I had financially put into it. At the time, I was actively engaging in a sexual relationship with a married man and also had many toxic friendships, both of which I wasn’t even aware how severely codependent I was on them. After the B&B’s demise, came my own with the decline of my spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical health in that order. Over the past forty months, I have continued to allow God to take over more and more reigns of my life and have done what I can to heal. The following italicized list, in no particular order, is all the things I could think of to where I’ve seen growth and changes for the better happening in my life and I thank God for each of them:

I have broken off contact and ended any connections to that married man and the one that followed and no longer engage in any kind of relationship with any married or partnered person who “cheats” or “plays” outside their own relationship, as compared to how I once had at least one of them always active in my life.

I no longer maintain any friendships with those actively suffering and still partaking in any major addictions including drinking, drugs, gambling, or sex/love where I once sought out those types of friendships to feel better about myself.

I have separated myself permanently from those who were codependent on me for their own existence as for the longest time, I had at least one always in my life.

I have removed all the friendships in my own life I held any level of codependency on as compared to how I always had at least one person I felt I couldn’t live without on an unhealthy level.

I regularly now attend multiple AA meetings a week as compared to how I once avoided AA like the plague more than not.

I speak about my own experience, strength, and hope in recovery at least once a week at either a 12 Step meeting or a recovery facility for those still suffering from addictions whereas I once avoided speaking at all because I had nothing to offer anyone but my own addictions.

I write something daily now relating to my life and the hope I wish to bring the world by blogging in here as compared to all those years where I had stopped writing altogether.

I am in a monogamous relationship with a man I love dearly and think only of him on all sexual and intimate levels whereas I once either was dating several people at a time or fantasizing, flirting and treading the fine line with cheating with others while in a committed relationship.

I no longer look at any pornographic materials at all as compared to the hours I once spent doing so.

I don’t drink or consume any caffeinated-laden beverages or foods at all as compared to how I constantly once sought doing it.

I am sponsoring a person currently through the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous after many years of no one wanting me to do so.

I no longer am taking any anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, or any medications in general as they all had once kept me numb and not moving forward in my healing.

I am finding it less and less necessary to argue with anyone about anything whereas I generally once liked drama and having the final word.

I am able to cry more now when something moves my heart as compared to how tears rarely flowed out of my eyes for anything.

I enjoy spending time alone going to the movies, praying, meditating, sitting in the sun, doing puzzles, reading, writing, and so much more where I once despised spending any amount of time by myself except to sleep.

I am reading self-help books and novels again after many years of finding it difficult to read anything in print.

My relationship with my sister and her family is rapidly improving compared to the many years I broke their trust and avoided spending time or energy on getting closer to them.

I am not buying the latest and greatest of anything and spending money frivolously on “stuff” that I once thought I needed to have to be happy.

I ask everyday for God’s will to reign in my life and to remove from me all the things that keep me separate and unloving as compared to the total self-will run riot that I lived in on most days.

I love myself a lot more and can look in the mirror now and say so as compared to how I used to want to smash any reflection of myself away.

When I find myself still getting angry at anything, I usually see a mirror reflecting back on me on my own life lessons as compared to how I generally once blamed everyone else for it.

I have regular spiritual routines I have been keeping to for quite awhile now even when I don’t feel much like doing them, as compared to how I once would start one of them and then give it up soon after.

I find a much greater love and appreciation for what I still have in my life and not what I don’t.

I have a much greater capacity in my life of faith, trust, hope, acceptance, patience and love as compared to how most of them were non-existent not too long ago.

And I have spiritual teachers in my life now who are dedicating a lot of their time to helping me heal without any conditions whereas I once had no one but those trying to help me heal that also wanted something more from me and garnered a hidden agenda.

I’m sure I could write plenty more examples of how my life has improved now as compared to the beginning of 2010 if I was to spend a lot more time thinking about it. The more important thing though is what I did find through in writing this homework assignment. My life then was a complete disaster and a toxic mess. My life now is spiritually, mentally, and emotionally so much better and improving more and more everyday. While I’ve seen the reverse still happening with my physical health since I started working on myself all those years ago, I continue forward in my healing everyday by maintaining a large amount of trust and faith in God. I trust in God that all this physical pain is just a purging of all those toxins I took on in this life and previous ones and I have faith in God that I’ll one day be free from all those toxins as well. And I know on that day, I will be able to see my life has become better not just spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, but physically too.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

What Every Kid Really Needs And Wants…

I may not be a parent at this point in my life, but there was a time when I was a kid. Looking back at the many years I was living under the Dawson household in Poughkeepsie, NY, I realized there was one thing that was greatly absent throughout most of it……unconditional love.

My parents did the best they could to raise my sister and I under their circumstances. Both were alcoholics and both dealt with bouts of chronic depression and anxiety. For a person to be suffering from any addiction, there is one thing that is very difficult to do and that’s caring about anyone else but their own self. To make matters worse, having mental imbalances such as depression and anxiety only furthers the inability to care about anyone else’s needs, wants, or desires. So in the Dawson household, because of both of those things, any love that was present had a level of toxicity within it.

Much of the love my sister and I received growing up was given with conditions, meaning there was always something that was attached to any kind gesture that my parents might have offered…

“If you do this for us, we’ll do this back in return.”

“If we give this to you, you need to give us this back later.”

“If we offer you this, will you help us out with that later?”

Unfortunately, what I don’t remember much of because it wasn’t present often, were loving acts of kindness that came without any attachments. I see movies all the time with family’s that portray those types of values. A son comes home from school having been bullied and his mother holds him tight while he cries in her arms instead of being lectured to stand up for himself in the future. A daughter is dumped by her first boyfriend and her father consoles her with words of how beautiful and special she is instead of telling her what she needs to work on to hold on to guys like that. A child walks into the home office and asks to have a catch outside with their father who promptly gets up and takes some time with them rather than saying he’s too busy. The parents surprise their children with a trip to their kid’s favorite restaurant, just because. And those are only just a few of the many examples of what unconditional love can be all about.

As a kid I desperately wanted to have a lot more of taking walks, having catches, and getting warm embraces and consoling without having to bargain or beg for them. I desperately wanted to be listened to by my parents without them saying anything when I was really struggling with something, such as my sexuality. I desperately wanted them to just look at me and say how much they loved me just as I was and that I was good enough in their eyes. Instead, any love that was given came with a price attached, and thus guilt trips were introduced into my home.

“I gave you this, how come you are being that way?”

“I did that for you last week, how come you won’t do this for me today?”

“Don’t you remember I helped you out with that, so can’t you help me out with this?”

That’s not unconditional love. Placing a guilt trip on something later that one needs or wants and basing it upon an original gesture of unconditional love only will take away from the power that unconditionally loving act of kindness once had. Unconditional love is when something is offered with no expectations of anything coming back in return………….EVER!

Sadly, all of the conditional love and guilt trips I received as a kid became how I was with everyone else as an adult and it’s taking me a lot of hard work now to reverse engineer all of that out of me. I don’t want to live my life offering love that comes with a price. I’ve started this healing by doing random acts of kindness for complete strangers where I know I will never be able to ask them for anything in return. I’ve bought coffees and snacks for those waiting in the lines behind me. I’ve held the doors open at various stores for all sorts of individuals. I let people get in front of me in lines when they seem to be in more of a rush than me. I slow down and allow cars to merge onto a crowded road I’m traveling on. The more that I have done those things, the more I have felt the desire to go on a more personal level with offering unconditional love to those I do know. I drive friends to and from AA meetings. I help people out in the 12 steps. I take my free time to speak at various recovery centers on addiction. I offer warm embraces to those that are hurting. I do chores just because I want to help ease someone else’s burdens. Thankfully, all of these things have helped me to learn how good it feels to love unconditionally.

What I really needed and wanted as a kid was to be loved like that. What I got instead was love that generally came with a price. Over time, I became like my parents and learned how to love conditionally and often resorted to guilt trips to get what I wanted. Through my journey of trying to get closer to God, I have been able to undue much of that early on conditioning that came from my younger years. Today I want nothing more than to love others without expectations. I know I still have a ways to go. But with God at the helm so much more in my life now, I’m seeing that it’s becoming much easier to love unconditionally, and much harder to love with conditions.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

My Story Of Being Molested (And My Healing From It)

Being touched by anyone inappropriately and without permission at a young age by someone else should never have to happen. Sadly, it does and many suffer for years if not a lifetime because of it. Unfortunately, molestation is a real problem and many never find the courage to speak up about it due to fear. I’m grateful to God that I’ve been able to conquer that fear and am here to share my painful story about being molested and how I found healing from it.

I didn’t understand anything about the birds and the bees as a child. My parents didn’t show much affection at all in front of my sister and I. There never were any discussions about sex or what it involved. Frankly, I’m not even sure if I understood where I came from and on some naive level I think I believed that I came in a stork’s beak and was delivered to my parents front door! I was utterly and completely oblivious to anything that dealt with human sexuality. By the time I reached 12 years old, the only thing I knew was that I liked to stare at certain types of men and my private parts at times got stimulated because of it.

In school around that age, I didn’t have any friends to hang around with. My best friends were solely the books I read, the superhero fantasies I lived in, and the water I swam through every single day in swim practice for the team I was on. I was a good swimmer and my parents knew it. They pushed me to keep doing it even though there were times I really despised the several hours a day I was in a pool. It did help me to pass the time by which normally might have been occupied with friends, if I had them. I kept to myself a lot because of it and one of the coaches seemed to take notice of that. There were two teams with two sets of coaches where I practiced. There was the swim team and the diving team. One of those particular coaches on the diving team was someone I stared at a lot. Today I can say that my staring at people like this coach was my initial attempts at coming to understand who I was attracted to, but back then, I had no idea.

I don’t remember when it all specifically started, but at some point when practices ended and I was in the open showers, this diving coach began to bathe directly next to me naked. I never was one much for being nude around others and generally bathed in these open showers with my swimsuit still on. At first I didn’t think it was strange that this much older man was bathing next to me. But as time passed though, I began to wonder why he was always showering next to me when there were 11 other ones open to bathe under. I can’t say for sure what he noticed me doing as I showered next to him, but I’m sure he did see my eyes wander a few times and there was the possibility that since I had just hit puberty, he might have seen me get slightly aroused. In the weeks that followed, he eventually started talking to me while he showered. I can still remember him asking me if I wanted to borrow his soap. Most of the rest of those conversations and interactions I’ve blanked out and can’t remember anymore. That’s probably a good thing. One other thing I do recollect though was him asking me if I ever needed a ride to practice as he had a van and often picked up and dropped off other children. Thankfully, I, nor my parents ever did take him up on that offer.

On one particular practice not too long after he began offering me rides, I really began wondering if I was making all this up in my head and creating some fabrication that this man in his 40’s liked me more than just a friend. On some level, my brain was being stimulated because it was the beginnings of my sexual identity. On another level, my spirit and soul was detecting the wrongness of what was happening. Because of my childlike curiosity to always figure out the truth, I left practice early one day complaining of shoulder pain. When I went into the locker room, I took a quick glance over at the diving pool and then went in to take my shower. Some of what I remember that happened next is very vivid even to this day. Other parts are foggy and probably always will be for my own protection. I remember that diving coach coming into the locker room just as I was about to change into my clothes. I remember being asked why I had left practice early. I remember him placing his hands on my shoulders directly behind me telling me he can make them feel better. And I remember him beginning to touch me in other areas that shouldn’t have been touched by him. The last thing I remember was being held over his knee, spanked and touched some more all because I had said something to him that came out of the fear I was in over what was happening in those moments.

I can still see myself running to my father’s car after that experience, getting into the front seat and bawling. I can still see myself telling him what happened and the anger that arose within him towards that man because of it. I can even still see him leaving me sitting in the car as he went in to have a conversation with this man. When all was said and done, my father asked if I wanted to press charges against that diving coach. I was too afraid to do so and said I didn’t want to. Today I wonder how many others suffered at this man’s hands and sometimes have wished I had been stronger back then to have pressed charges. The only thing that did end up happening was his being kicked off the coaching staff and me never seeing him again. The last thing I remember was my father telling me that this coach claimed it had all been just “locker room fun” and that “everyone did it”. To me, it was anything but fun and it haunted me for most of my young adult life.

The incident and all my experiences with that man were squashed down by my parents and by me as time passed. It was never talked about again. But it did a tremendous amount of damage to me. That was my first sexual experience in my life, and because I didn’t understand anything about sexuality, my brain took those behaviors as normal. The result was me growing up with fantasies of being dominated by others sexually and never learning what true love and intimacy were.

Talk therapy never did much to help me bring up this pain and walk through it. Books I read about molestation didn’t help much either. But an organization I joined back in 1999, the ManKind Project, found the one path that did work and provided me the desperate help I needed to heal from that childhood trauma. Other men in this organization, who I today refer to as my “brothers”, set up a re-enactment with someone playing the part of that diving coach. Using that coaches words and gestures I had remembered as part of the trauma, I was brought back in time in a safe way to confront and “kill off” this demon of a man that still lived inside me, and in some way, still owned a part of me too. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through in my life for the 30 minutes I took part in this exercise in healing. But it worked. Oh, boy, did it work!

After it was over, I noticed I wasn’t angry anymore at either myself for letting it happen, or at this man who had violated me. Those feelings of anger never have returned either. As many years have now passed since then, I have worked on healing with my sexuality because I never quite understood what true intimacy was due to being molested. I’m grateful I now have a partner today who loves me unconditionally and is helping me to foster better ideals in what intimacy should have always been for me.

Whether I was attracted to that diving coach or not should never have warranted the actions that came out of it. I was molested by a man at least 30 years older than me and it caused me great pain, hardship, and suffering for much of my life. Thankfully God intervened and provided me guidance on how to heal from it. It’s my hope that in sharing my story here, others who have been molested might somehow find comfort in knowing there is healing from this and maybe theirs can begin now.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson