By the time this entry is posted, I’ll be back on the road driving for twelve hours to a place I still call home. Since I left there last, my body has developed even more physical ailments that have become all the harder to endure. And lately, as much as I don’t like to openly admit this, I find myself questioning God because of how bad I feel.
I could spend pages and pages writing about the specific physical pains I feel and how they are controlling my life in its present moments. I could talk about all the things I have done and am still doing holistically to try to heal from what I believe its causes are. I could recite off all the self-help books I’ve read to bring about hope. I could share about all the homework exercises I’ve done that were assigned by practitioners and therapists to help in my healing. I could recount all the doctors and medications I tried to find some relief through. I could talk about all the recovery work I have done on myself and continue to do for others in the twelve step programs as well as all the toxic people I removed during that work to get healthier. In fact, I’m sure I could even find enough words to span the length of a novel about what I’ve gone through in these past few years in my repeated attempts to restore my health to a level where the pain doesn’t override the joys that life can bring.
It really has been tough for me lately to keep going. There’s not a day anymore that I don’t seem to be asking God whether I’m ever going to feel better again or whether anything good is truly going to come out of all the high pain levels I deal with every day. What’s even harder is facing the reality that sometimes amidst all this pain, I think about following in my parent’s footsteps and ending my life early before finding out the answers to those questions.
Just the other day in one of the many down moments I have been having lately, I received an inspirational e-mail from one of the things I subscribe to that said that there is nothing that has ever happened, or could possibly happen in our lives that is “bad”. It continued by saying it’s a spiritual law that there is never anything the universe sends us that isn’t in our own best interest and while it might not make sense in the moment, everything ultimately is either for our protection, or growth. The final words were the most difficult for me to grasp though. It said that even truly tragic things occur to make us stronger, bring us closer to others, teach us lessons, or give us a greater appreciation for life itself.
Have I gotten stronger through all of this? On some level that might be true on my ability to endure this pain. Has all of this brought me closer to others? On a day-to-day basis with interpersonal connections, I’d have to respond with a no. In fact it has done the exact opposite where I struggle to be around people especially when the pain is so great. On a level of having compassion for everyone who has gone through or is currently going through suffering, I’d have to respond though with a yes. Has all of this taught me lessons? Most definitely, the answer is yes. I have grasped many of them, each of which could be it’s own blog entry and many have been already. Has all of this brought me a greater appreciation for life itself? The sad truth is that it hasn’t, not for my present life at least. It’s challenging for me to get through even the slightest of tasks these days and the only appreciation all of this has brought me is what I once had several years earlier before all of this started. What’s a sobering thought is that I once lived life carefree where I was rarely grateful for any of what I was given including all those sports I excelled in, all those jobs I earned extremely high wages in, or all those things I did to where I pushed myself to the limits without any consequences. With it being hard for me today to even walk a few feet, I have struggled to find appreciation in anything when the pain rips through my body and nothing seems to help alleviate it.
The reality is that I don’t wish what I’m going through upon anybody. I keep trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, that all good things come to those who wait, that this too shall pass, and that God is only giving me what I can handle. All of those are examples of those positive sayings that people have told me along the way, and sometimes I cling to them with what little hope I have left.
The only thing I can say is that while I don’t know whether God truly exists or not, I am doing my best to maintain the belief that He does and that He has something good in store for me that I’ll be seeing very soon. It’s the only shred of anything that keeps me going anymore and to take that away from me would remove any remaining sense of hope I have to where I believe my only nature recourse would be to follow in my parent’s tragic footsteps.
I didn’t really want to write an entry in here today that was filled with so much of my pain but I am trying to keep my honesty for anyone who may be reading any of what I write. The only thing I can continue to do is pray and try to keep my faith that God is there watching me, embracing me, loving me, and telling me to hang on for just a little while longer.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson