Have you ever looked forward to something but also had some fear surrounding it as well? I’m experiencing one of those situations right now as I’m preparing to head out today to see my sister and her family in Tennessee.
It’s been about four months now since they moved out of Massachusetts and settled into a small city named Franklin, just outside of Nashville. While I’m excited about being able to spend some quality time with them, I’m a little nervous about being around her husband again. He has, for some time now, had many difficulties in accepting and dealing with me. More than not, he verbally expresses his displeasure of my presence in subtle ways when I’ve been around his family. My sister has told me that he holds some resentments towards me that he hasn’t gotten to the root of yet. Sadly, he hasn’t really focused on getting to that root either. The direct result of this has been him allowing me only limited time to spend with my only remaining family members. Thankfully my partner is going to be with me on this trip as generally, my sister’s husband’s negative behaviors towards me are usually subdued when someone else is around.
In recent years, I’ve compared some of his behaviors to that of one of the high school bullies I once had in my younger years. Rarely did I ever defend myself or stand up to those bullies as back then I was more of a shy, withdrawn, and overly insecure individual that allowed people to always make fun of me. Unfortunately, I still deal with some of those attributes today and people like my sister’s husband often take advantage of that. Add in the fact that my sister is currently battling co-depedent behaviors and holds some of her own fears towards her husband’s controlling behaviors that she often doesn’t stand up to him either, especially when it comes to things dealing with me.
I’ve come to believe that people who are bullies are nothing more than deeply insecure individuals themselves. They find people who appear weaker then themselves and inflict pain upon them on some level because it makes them feel better about the mess that lives within them. It’s really all about them just shifting the focus off of their mess onto another’s.
I know this pattern well as I’ve lived it. Because of that, it has helped me to understand at least some of the reason why my sister’s husband acts the way he does towards me. I have speculated on some of those other reasons but any of them that I might write about would only be more judgments. Ironically, I like her husband on a soul level and know that there is great potential for a very loving relationship not only between him and my sister but also for him and I on a friendship level. What gets in between the both of those is his ego, which I like to say is an acronym for Edging God Out.
So as I prepare to leave for this trip, I am already praying to God for patience, love and tolerance as well as love, forgiveness, and peace for him. I want to focus on the positive that I’m getting to see my sister and her kids and not on the negative that has surrounded my relationship with him for some time now.
It’s hard to accept the fact that my ongoing relationship with my sister and three nephews continues to be negatively affected by her husband. But I have no other choice than to do so. Until either he works on letting go of his resentments towards me or my sister does more to break free from her co-dependent behaviors, the only thing I can do is accept him and ask God for guidance whenever I’m allowed to be around my family, such as this trip. Acceptance may not take away some of that underlying fear as I get ready to leave for this trip, but it sure does bring some comfort in knowing that I’m doing my part to love even those who don’t know how to love me.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson