My pride and ego got a little bruised the other night and that’s probably a good thing. And it all started with an expectation that I had built on Sunday evening without even realizing it. I’ve written about this very subject once before, but I find it’s important to stress again that expectations really do lead to resentments. And unfortunately my expectation from Sunday night led me to feeling just that.
This expectation began with plans I had for Sunday evening to go to an AA meeting in another town that my home group had been invited to speak at. Normally most of our speaking engagements are at detox centers, hospitals, and halfway houses, so I considered this to be a rather special treat. In AA, speaking in meetings, helping out a newcomer, sponsoring others, and getting active in a home group are all part of what is considered 12th step work. Essentially with the 12th step, people who are in recovery get out of themselves and do what they can to help someone else by sharing their experience, strength, and hope. This is critical to the recovery process given how selfish and self-centered most alcoholics and addicts are when they are active in their disease.
The last time I had done any 12th step work with my home group had been almost four weeks prior and I believe in reflecting on that in advance led to the beginnings of this expectation. Before the meeting had even begun, my mind had started thinking about what I was going to say at the podium. When the rest of my group arrived that night, I noticed a large number of them had come but one of them that had tagged along was actually not one of our members. My expectation to speak turned into a resentment not too long after this when the chairperson called upon this guest to speak, who did so for around 15 minutes. By the end of the meeting, time ran out and two members of our group, one of which included me, had never gotten called upon. Unfortunately, this is where my pride and ego got bruised and my mind had tried to take over with anger towards not only the chairperson for not calling upon me but also this guest for taking up so much time.
Through prayer came understanding when I realized that what I might have had to say at the podium might not have been what God was wanting the listeners to hear that night. Even more importantly, I discovered this guest of our group was really in a bad spot in his life and had been dealing with depression as of late because of his nephew dying of an overdose just a few weeks earlier. Knowing that truly helped to shift my resentment to compassion.
Looking back, I realized that me showing up and being available to speak was doing the 12th step work already. It was my pride and ego that told me I had to speak and they created an expectation as a result which only led to a resentment. It’s good that this happened to me though because it showed that I’m not perfect in any way with my AA recovery. And I definitely can see how I still have room to grow and learn. The bottom line that I realized at the end of Sunday night really came down to this…If God had wanted me to speak, I would have been called upon. Instead, I think my lesson was to listen the entire evening and a wise person probably could say what I learned was a valuable lesson in humility.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson