One of the main focuses in all forms of recovery from addiction is get healthy enough to help those who are still suffering from the disease. That usually begins with a person sharing their experience, strength, and hope in the recovery meetings they attend. As they mature in their recovery though, newcomers will often ask them to be their sponsor. Essentially what that means is that the newcomer is looking for guidance in their recovery program.
Sponsoring another individual helps to meet part of the following criteria that’s written in the 12th Step:
“… we tried to carry this message to alcoholics…”
I’ve purposely bolded the word “tried” because of something I went through recently with a sponsee I was trying to carry the message of recovery to. But before I get into that discussion, it’s important to note that how someone sponsors another is different from one recovering individual to the next. In my case, it primarily means two things.
1. Taking someone through the entire 12-Steps as they are written in the literature.
2. Helping someone discover a deep connection to his or her own Higher Power.
It is a spiritual gift when any person is asked to help sponsor another individual in a 12-Step recovery program. Many don’t realize how much it helps a sponsor’s recovery grow, as much as it does the sponsee’s, in the work they do together. Unfortunately, there are times though when the sponsee-sponsor relationship doesn’t work and isn’t a good fit. But unless they both try, it’s impossible to know whether it would work or not. That is why I bolded the word “tried” in the above excerpt from the 12th Step.
I believe the most important thing I can ever do in life with anything that challenges me is to try doing it. That principle holds true even in my sponsorship of others in recovery from addiction. When I am asked to help sponsor another individual, if I have the available time, I generally will say yes. Recently, I did that for an individual only to realize about a month later, that I wasn’t the best fit for them. The result was that I had to stop sponsoring them.
There are many reasons why the sponsor-sponsee relationship can end up not working out. In this case, I wasn’t equipped with the right tools to handle this sponsee’s needs. While the specifics aren’t necessary here as to what tools were needed, the bottom line was that my increased frustration, stress, and arguments with this individual were signs showing it wasn’t the right fit.
It truly is important in recovery from any addiction, that we do our best to “try” carrying the message to others. But that should never come at the expense of our own health and recovery. It was hard for me to initially see that this was happening with this individual. It was even harder for me to overcome my pride and ego when I did. Cutting the sponsoring cord to this person was truly humbling because I don’t like giving up on anyone. Thankfully though, my sponsor helped me to see that I wasn’t really giving up on them, I just wasn’t the right fit.
The lesson I leaned in all of this is that I can’t always help everyone. The best that I can do in my recovery is to “try” carrying the message to others. While it is a gift to do that, especially when I’m asked to sponsor another, I see today that I may not always be the best fit for them. I have gratitude for my Higher Power in helping me to learn another spiritual lesson in recovery…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson