I know how critical it is to my recovery from addiction to help the newcomer, but I also know that’s never supposed to be done in a codependent way. Recently, I was faced with this very situation when one of those newcomers was wanting more than I could safely offer.
It all started late on a Thursday night when I found myself checking my Facebook page for any new messages. As I glanced at the top of the page, I saw the red indicator showing there was only one new message. I quickly clicked the icon to see who it was from and soon realized it was someone I had met at one point in a meeting I attended. Their message was brief and said nothing more than how much they appreciated my recovery and would like to chat more about my experience, strength, and hope. I was grateful for their comments and responded with my thanks and a friend request. Within mere minutes of sending it, my request was accepted and I received another message. This time they asked if we could have an actual conversation. Like I’ve done countless times already in my recovery, I gave this person my phone number and told them to call me anytime.
When I received the first phone call from this person that night, I was once again told how much they truly appreciated my recovery. I responded that the credit should be given to my Higher Power, as I usually do when someone tells me this verbally. We then talked for a few more minutes about recovery and as it came to an end, I once again reminded them to call me anytime they needed help. Unfortunately, those words would eventually lead to a jarring reminder of the days when I was extremely codependent with my mother, but more on that in a minute.
I awoke the next morning only to notice I had missed a phone call and also a new message from this very same newcomer. They wanted to know if I was going to be attending my normal home group at noon. I called them back telling them I was and that I hoped to see them there and sure enough I did. Given the fast friendships that can be made in the recovery world, I honestly didn’t think that any of this was out of the norm. When I gave them a cheerful greeting upon seeing them a few hours later at my group, I thanked them for all their kind words and said I was glad they were there like I say to every person I welcome.
As the meeting progressed, my new friend in recovery raised their hand and shared how close they came to a relapse recently. They would go on to tell the story of how it almost happened and I was more than grateful for the reminder of how cunning this disease will always be. When the meeting came to an end, I personally thanked them for their share, told them to keep coming back, and to also put me in their recovery support network in case they felt the urge to drink again. All of this would come full circle again the following morning.
Upon waking the next day, I discovered a slew of missed phone calls and messages on Facebook from this new friend of mine in recovery. I immediately called them back and profusely apologized that I had slept through all of them. Within a matter of minutes I would discover that this person had relapsed yesterday afternoon after the meeting ended and that they had already started drinking again that morning.
If there’s one thing I learned in dealing with my mother’s alcoholism many years ago, it’s that you can’t successfully communicate recovery to anyone while they’re under the influence of alcohol or drugs. In the case of this newcomer, I indicated there were only three things I could recommend. The first was to throw away all their booze. The second was to call their sponsor. And the third was to get to a meeting as soon as possible. The conversation started going around in circles like it always did with my mother when she drank so I started trying to find a way to end it without being rude. That’s when I asked them if I could say a prayer before going and thankfully, they obliged. I felt a lot better after that and truly thought when that call ended that they were going to take my advice. But sadly, they didn’t.
Over the next 24 hours I would get message after message and phone call after phone call asking for help and I ascertained through each of them that they hadn’t stopped drinking yet. I began to lose my patience at some point during all of it and realized I was starting to go beyond the boundaries I set for myself long ago because of my mother’s drinking. That’s when I knew I needed to no longer respond. Sure enough, it wasn’t long after doing it that I got the same type of guilt trip that my mother used to give me.
“I thought you were supposed to help the sick and suffering!” said one of the messages I received. Those words really tugged at my heart because it brought back a lot of the pain I went through towards the end before my mother died from this disease. My old codependency wanted to comfort this person and let them know everything was going to be ok, because that’s truly what they were seeking just like my Mom used to ask of me time and time again. But I’m stronger now in my sobriety, in my spirituality, and on my walk with my Higher Power, and I knew that any more contact with this person wouldn’t help their recovery or my own.
At the end of this whole matter, I warned them to stop calling and messaging me because it was getting out of control and making me feel unsafe, yet they still didn’t stop. My final decision was one I didn’t take lightly and it’s something I wished I could have done long ago with my mother, but I never had the courage. I ended up blocking this person from contacting me on Facebook and over the phone and went on with my life.
The bottom line I learned through all of this experience is that I can’t be codependent in recovery, as it will only damage my own. While I will continue to help as many newcomers as I can, because I know that’s detrimental to my recovery, the reality is that I can only help those who want to help themselves. And that means them taking that First Step. Until they do, there’s nothing more that I, or anyone else can do other than pray for them, which I know I will keep on doing for this newcomer, may God bless their soul.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
Good for you! It’s not your fault. They have to get through steps one and two and then have God help them. A week or two before I decided to start going to meetings and give it up…..I prayed to God for help with my drinking problem. He sort of took over from there. I can just see whoever that was getting all wasted and wanting to blame it on someone. Someone like you who has a great program and they wanted to bring you down to make themselves feel better. You did the right thing and thanks for always being there for me buddy! I appriciate it to the moon and back 🙂
Peace love and food
Ivan
Thank you Ivan for your kind words and uplifting encouragement to my recovery. I hope you are having a great weekend and keep up the good recovery work you are doing yourself too!
I am proud of you for staying in there and trying to help; however, I am more proud of you for finally stepping up and protecting yourself from harm. While an individual can reach our for help and support, they must first do their work to help themselves and then seek reaffirming support from others.
You do more than your share of reaching out to those who are trying. You are definintely a beaming example of someone with compasion and integrity. Sometimes you just have to push away from the table and allow that person to fall a little harder. They must do their work in order to recover.
Love you!