When an individual has been rejected and/or abandoned their entire life from their childhood forward, it’s quite easy for them to start expecting it to happen with anyone who enters their life. With that being said, until they work through this issue enough, there’s a behavior that’s almost guaranteed to happen within the individual before any new relationship can ever take root and that’s self-sabotage.
I’m all too familiar with this art of self-sabotage, as up until only a few years ago I was quite skilled at it. That stemmed from the fact that I carried many demons for far too long dating all the way back to childhood. Back then I regularly endured rejection and abandonment at home due to my parent’s alcoholism and mental health issues. And at school, I received a ton of rejection from too many kids. By the time I went off to college, my father had abandoned my mother, and for a period of time he did the same with my sister and I as well. I did my best to stay numb from all of this for five years by drinking alcohol and doing drugs, which only pushed anyone away who ever tried to get close to me. After I became clean and sober from both, I just continued this same behavior of self-sabotaging each connection that came into my life. How that would transpire was usually the same.
It consistently began with me meeting someone new who seemed like they could be a good friend or even more. That would lead me to start spending time with them with the sole purpose of getting to know them much better. But like clockwork, the fear would start creeping in that they were going to walk out of my life at some point in the near future. The onset of that fear was almost always due to things such as them not answering the phone when I called, or them not calling me back in a timely fashion, or them being too busy to make plans, or them canceling ones we had made already. Regardless of the real reason why any of those things happened, the fear inside of being rejected or abandoned again was always enough to completely overwhelm my psyche. That’s when I’d start saying a self-sabotaging comment like “I don’t know why you want to be my friend, since no one else does.” Or maybe I’d say something more like “If you don’t want to be my friend, I’ll understand.” The truth was that I wanted to end the connection before the other person might end it. But ultimately, doing these passive-aggressive behaviors over and over again only created that self-fulfilling prophecy anyway of sabotaging the connection completely.
Sadly, none of this would change until I did my recovery work to fully forgive all those who had rejected and abandoned me throughout my entire life. Once I did though, the fear of being rejected and abandoned began to dissipate. Nowadays, I’m having much greater success in developing new friendships as well an intimate relationship with my partner. Unfortunately, I’m now having trouble on the other side of the coin though.
Someone who came into my life in the past year has become a constant reminder of my self-sabotaging days. I really try to do my best with patience, love, and tolerance with this person as they continue to demonstrate my old passive-aggressive self-sabotaging behaviors, but sometimes it’s too much for me to handle. It has helped me though to understand what others went through when I used to do these very same behaviors and for that I’m grateful, as I never wish to do them again. The reality is that all they ever gave me was a life of loneliness.
So it’s my prayer for this friend of mine, and all others who are still being haunted by the rejection and abandonment of their past, to find the healing and forgiveness needed to move beyond this never-ending saga of self-sabotaging one connection after another. As once they do, it’s a pretty safe bet to say that any new relationship will have far greater staying power and longevity in the long run…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
I really try to do my best with patience, love, and tolerance with this person as they continue to demonstrate my old passive-aggressive self-sabotaging behaviors…
Isn’t it interesting how the seemingly virtuous practice of “patience, love, and tolerance” with an abusive person almost instantly devolves into codependency and victim behavior?…
There are a few lines that are built into the foundation of my new life. One, given to me a long time ago, is simply this: “There are times in relationships when one must, however briefly, be a door-mat. However, one must never choose to be wall-to-wall carpeting. I need strict limits for the extent to which I should allow others to walk all over me.”
One of the more painful sets of lessons I’ve had to learn in my new life is that just because I want a person to change in a certain way does not mean that they have the ability (or the desire) to change…. and it certainly doesn’t mean that I have the ability to make them change.
One of the best truisms about changing others is attributed to Samuel Clemons (Mark Twain) – “Never mud-wrestle with a pig – it only gets you filthy and entertains the pig.” I can happily report that, after a number of painful experiences over the years, I do my level best to avoid the pig-pen entirely. No matter how attractive the exterior, abusive or combative behavior always qualifies a person as a “pig.”
A method of my own self-sabotage is the lie that “it’s probably better now.” This is a variation on “it won’t hurt me this time, so here’s how!” or “just once couldn’t hurt.” It’s contained in the first of these classic stories, which reminds me that a snake is never kind, and it’s never a friend…it’s always a snake. And my most poisonous behavior is when “maybe” sneaks into my mind… “Are you sure? He could’ve changed, you know…”
Nope… no way. It’s still a snake, and it’s still poisonous.
I absolutely loved the story of the snake and the boy. I’m going to have to find a way to post that into an article! Thanks for sharing it Steve.
I find this post more enlightening than disheartening Andrew, as I have heard these very words utter from women’s mouths, not men. I am not glad, as that word is inappropriate but relieved that men do suffer this issue. Rejection is all part and particle of not only the program as a whole, but life in general. I too, when I meet someone new that I want them to be my friend wonder “Will they accept me? or more commonly, “Will they judge me?” It is for me the bottom line the judgement of those humans also having a spiritual experience in a meat suit that I fear, their judgements even if they do not use words, but eyes. I have to remember that my will is nothing in the grand scheme of His will, and that I am but a simple grain of sand on the great beach of life. Besides…..who knows….perhaps the people you meet in the oddest of circumstances, for instance, a dance….will ultimately become a great friend to you and yours!
Interesting comments to ponder Jen. Thanks for sharing them!