Did you ever have anyone tell you when you were growing up that you shouldn’t cry? Or if you happen to be a guy who’s reading this, were you taught that grown men don’t cry? If you answered yes to either of these questions, then you’re not alone as I did as well. But I’m here to tell you that I sobbed in a parking lot at the mall a couple of days ago and I’m not ashamed of it either because I’ve learned on my spiritual journey that it really is ok to cry.
It’s truly sad how many people grow up believing that it’s not ok to show this type of emotional response. In my case, I can remember being bullied by some kids in the neighborhood so much so that I came home one day gushing in tears. When my mother saw me in that state of duress, she told me to stop crying and that I needed to toughen up. It wasn’t too long after this that she enrolled me in Tae Kwon Do classes mostly because she didn’t want me to be a big baby. So can you guess what happened to me the next time I was bullied? I got angry and punched a kid in the face instead, breaking my hand in the process. And from that point forward anger started becoming my go to emotion instead of tears.
Over the years it became harder and harder for me to get in touch with those tears the more I lived in that anger. Sure I got weepy during many drunken binges for all the years I was an active alcoholic. But after becoming clean and sober, it took an incredible amount of pain for me to get in touch with the emotions that produced my tears. Often, it just seemed like my eyes were a dried up well.
Take for example when my father died from suicide. I remember my sister asking me at his funeral if I was ok because I wasn’t expressing myself through any tears. In fact, almost three years went by after his death before I even opened up about it and cried and that actually took me going away on a spiritual retreat for it to happen. The same thing held true when my mother tragically died, except in her case I stayed angry for almost double the time I did over my father’s death until I was able to cry.
There have been many other painful moments in my life as well where I haven’t been able to elicit even a single tear. But thankfully, my 12 Step recovery work helped me to draw much closer to God who in turn showed me that it really is ok to cry, especially given how beneficial crying is in the healing process. I always feel so much better after my tears are shed and I believe the reason for that relates to the energy that’s released when it happens. When I finally found the tears over my father’s passing after all those years, it was as if each one was a release of the anger I had held onto for so long. That’s why I became so grateful when I found recovery because I started to find the waterworks on a regular basis and I know that helped me to heal much of my past anger. But lately though I seem to be struggling again with being able to cry with any regularity and that’s been frustrating me quite a bit. With all the heightened physical pains I’ve been enduring for as long as I have, I’ve desperately wanted to cry on more days than not hoping it might help ease some of my discomfort. Alas, that hasn’t been able to happen at all in the past six months or so, at least not until the other day that is.
I honestly don’t know why my tears were finally able to manifest after so many months of absence, but I’m extremely thankful they did. There is something I noticed though as I sat there in my front seat bawling my eyes out. I kept on looking out my window wondering if anyone was going to walk by and see me in shambles. I know that action alone says there’s still a part of me afraid to show my tears, especially in front of others.
So it’s obvious I still have a little more work to do to counteract some negative childhood programming that relates to me showing my tears. Hopefully over time though God will continue to help me become less and less afraid to display this emotional response because I know how crucial that is to my health and healing. In the meantime, I will continue to remind myself what I’ve learned on my spiritual journey so far in life, which is that it really is ok for me to cry, even if I may be one of those grown men…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
It’s funny – I read the title to your post, and my first snap-reaction was, “Well of COURSE it’s OK to cry!” But I know of dozens of boys and men who would question that – people who have heard that “only sissies cry” and “only losers cry.” The whole machismo bullshit fed to kids just irks the hell out of me.
For the last 20 years of *my* life, tears have often been the companions to great joy and beauty, not sorrow. Another trigger for tears has been remembering the wonderful people in my life. Last night, I was with a fellow who practically shouted, “How the hell do you surrender? You people keep telling me ‘Surrender, already,’ but I don’t know how to do that! Tell me, already!”
And it was like a dozen men, from 20 years ago and 700 miles away, were whispering in my ear. I heard the collection of things they have told me over the years, and it just flowed from them, through me, to this guy in Springfield, MO. I told him, “Surrender is simply saying ‘yes.’ Yes, I’ll come to your stupid meetings. Yes, I’ll ready your stupid book. Yes, I’ll write about my resentments and fears. I’ll stop trying to do it my way, and try doing it yours.”
It wasn’t until telling my partner about it later that the tears came – tears of gratitude. Gratitude, first, for the gift that was given to me – and then gratitude that, like chocolate milk, I could pour it out and it would be sweet and calming and right.
That was very moving Steve. Thank you so much for sharing a piece of your life. For whatever the reason, I still struggle to get in touch with tears whether that be of joy or sadness. That just don’t seem to come sometimes, but when they do, I always find them healing. I only pray that I can get more in touch with the emotions that trigger them. Kudos to you for being able to do it with such ease my friend.
You will cry when God wants you to cry Andrew. Just be thankful for when you do and remain open to however it arises.