Month: October 2014

A Prayer To Begin Anew

Have you ever had one of those days where you felt so irritable that you ended up starting arguments with just about everyone you came around? I have because today was definitely one of them and I know I could have handled things so much better than I did. But thankfully I’ve learned in 12 Step Recovery from my addictions that I can begin anew at any time, which is what I’m trying to do right now as I compose this entry.

There was actually a common theme to each of the arguments I started over the course of this off-kilter day. In every case, it was my expectations that weren’t being met with how I wanted people to treat me. The key word I need to pay the most attention to here is “expectations”, as it is they that have always been the thing to lead me into having some serious resentments. While it was my ego’s natural inclination to be upset at the lack of integrity and unconditional love I felt from people today, all of that was based upon expectations I had placed upon everyone.

Normally I’m much better at preventing myself from creating expectations like this these days, but unfortunately, today just wasn’t one of them. Whether that was due to my nightmare-laden and restless sleep from the night before, the high levels of physical pain I had throughout the day, or something else altogether, I can’t say. Regardless, I didn’t disseminate the peace, love, light, and joy today that I usually try to every single day. I’m sure part of that, if not all of it, was due to me not taking a few extra moments to pray and ask for help. For some reason, I carried the burden mostly on my own today and that didn’t pay off too well.

It was clearly a good reminder though of how my days used to be for me when I didn’t allow God to be in charge of much of my life. The result of living that way when I did was no different than the brief taste I got from it today, which was a stomach full of poison in the form of ugly resentments. Having that inside me right now really doesn’t feel good at all and the only way I know how to change that and begin anew is to pray, so here goes nothing…

“Dear God, I took my will back today again and again and again. I placed expectations on people that I honestly can’t say I know all that’s going on within each of them. I became resentful in the process and I know that doesn’t bode well for the spiritual path I’m trying so desperately to remain on. So I ask for Your forgiveness for any pain or harm my words may have brought any of Your children today and I also ask that each of those people forgive me as well. Help me God to be free of any resentments I may have put back within me today. I unconditionally love and forgive myself for falling short of my spiritual ideal today and thank You God for helping me to begin anew once again.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Bearing Our Sorrows And Burdens In Life

Have you ever heard the story of The Great Tree of Sorrows? A friend of mine in recovery shared this Jewish story with me because of the context of a conversation we had about my ongoing health and healing frustrations in life. After reading it, I was reminded of another story that’s quite similar, but of Christian origin. Before commenting on the spiritual lesson I believe both are meant to teach, here are each of them:

The Great Tree of Sorrows

Once upon a time, people were complaining to their neighbors about their sorrows and sufferings. Each one kept affirming that theirs were the worst of all. The Rabbi responded to their complaining by telling this story: On judgment day when all people met before God. God allowed them to be free from their sufferings by hanging them on a branch of the ‘Great Tree of Sorrows” After that, for an entire day, everybody was free from all their pains and sorrows. Happily they enjoyed the whole day to their hearts content. By evening time, God asked each of the people to pick up from the sacred tree, any sorrows they would find best suited for them to bear. They paced around and around the tree trying to find the best choice. By sunset, when all had made them, God showed how each had reclaimed their original sorrows.

The Room Of Crosses To Bear

One day a man approaches Jesus wanting only to trade his cross in for a better one. He tells him how his cross is just too much of a burden to carry and how everyone else’s seems far more bearable. Jesus then leads the man into a large room full of many crosses of all shapes and sizes and instructs him to put down his own cross and go select a new one. The only stipulation is that once he makes his selection he can never complain or exchange it for another again. So he searches for hours and hours on end in the room noticing the big crosses were even larger and heavier than his own. He knew there was no way he was ever going to be able to carry any one of them. As for each of the smaller crosses he inspects, they all were excruciatingly painful in some way due to the way they were shaped and formed. Finally the man comes upon a cross that seems like it has the least amount of burden for him, as it rests quite nicely upon his shoulder and doesn’t irritate him while carrying it. The man then turns towards Jesus and cries out, “I’ve finally found the perfect cross!” Jesus then smiles and responds lovingly, “My child, don’t you see that is the same cross you carried in with you today?”

I truly believe both of these stories tell the same spiritual lesson in that the sorrows and burdens we each individually carry in life are the ones specifically meant for us to endure and work through. While it may often seem like someone else’s sorrows and burdens are far less cumbersome than the ones we are carrying, that’s only an illusion our ego likes to paint for us. I should know, as my own has frequently attempted to do so because of the physical pain issues I continue to endure.

For those who already know me, or are getting to know me through these writings, I’ve been dealing with this for the past four and a half years now. Sometimes it’s actually led me to look at various friends and loved ones with the thought that their life is much easier and far better than my own. But the more I’ve gotten to know each of them, the more I’ve seen the difficulties they face daily, none of which I hope to ever have to experience in life.

So I believe it really just goes to show that the sorrows and burdens we each carry in life at any given moment in time are the ones best suited for us. Although we may not know why that is when going through any of them, I’ve learned in the end with each of my own that it was always for my greatest highest good. While that may not be as comforting as I’d like it to be for the level of physical pain I feel as I type these words, I will continue to do my best today to trust that this specific sorrow and burden is one my Higher Power knows is best for me at the present time for my spiritual growth…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Polar Opposites Of The 12 Steps

Many people know of the 12 Steps because they’re so prevalently used nowadays in various programs of recovery from addiction. But what most probably don’t know is that there are completely polar opposites of them as well. What I mean by this is that while the 12 Steps are meant to guide a person into a spiritual life of recovery from whatever their addiction was, the polar opposites of them will only guide them entirely away from that and usually right back into their addiction.

I found many written versions of this on several Internet sites and decided to make one of my own because I needed to add a little humor in my life at the present moment. It’s my hope that they may bring a smile to your face as they did for me when writing them. Ironically, it wasn’t that long ago when I actually was living more like these than the ones Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith created. So I’m just grateful to my Higher Power today that I’m not living in these polar opposites of the 12 Steps anymore…

Step 1 – I admitted how powerful and in control I felt with each of my addictions, and my life is still completely manageable ok? So leave me the hell alone!

Step 2 – Came to believe there is no power greater than myself, nor any person more knowledgeable than I, and the only person who needs to be restored to sanity is all of you dammit!

Step 3 – Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to more and more people, places, and things, as I understood the only way to function in life was to be codependent on each of them.

Step 4 – Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of every one other than myself and continued to point as many fingers as I could at everyone else’s character defects, except my own, because I couldn’t think of any that were truly a problem.

Step 5 – Admitted to no one the exact nature of my wrongs, because frankly I don’t think I’m ever wrong.

Step 6 – Were entirely ready to have everyone else’s character defects be removed by someone or something, as all the problems in the world are totally because of them!

Step 7 – Arrogantly demanded everyone else’s character defects be removed over and over again to whomever would listen to me.

Step 8 – Made a list of all the persons that had harmed me and became willing to think about all the bad things I wanted to happen to each of them.

Step 9 – Made direct attempts to get even to such people in any way I could, especially when it would injure them quite deeply.

Step 10 – Continued to take everyone else’s personal inventory and when they were wrong promptly told them so.

Step 11 – Sought through my own fantasies and daydreams to improve my conscious contact with all the people I desperately wanted to have sex with, praying only for knowledge of how to make that happen and the power to carry that out.

Step 12 – Having had a complete spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical breakdown as the result of these steps, I tried to drag as many people down with me as I could so that I didn’t feel so bad about myself, and to practice these principles in all my affairs, especially my sexual ones.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson