I’ve had to make two very difficult decisions lately around the subject of friendship and neither was easy. I’m not sure if you’ve ever had to do this, but telling anyone I’m not open to a friendship with them because it isn’t healthy for me or my recovery definitely weighs heavily upon my heart when I do it. Why I had to do this in each case came down to yet another lesson I’ve learned in my spiritual growth, which is that I truly become just like those I regularly spend any time with.
For years I ignored the signs that would have taught me this invaluable lesson. Instead, I regularly spent time with active alcoholics and drug addicts, as well as those engaging in sex and love addictions too. And the more I spent time with those who were living in any these addictions, the more I either thought about joining them in the same addiction or actually engaging in it myself. In addition, many of the character defects that each of these active addicts frequently demonstrated such as negativity, gossip, judgments, anger, rage, jealousy, control, and the like all seemed to siphon their way back into me. Time and time again it always ended with me becoming extremely unhealthy just like them. That’s why I finally started making much healthier choices in life as to who I’d spend time with and who I wouldn’t, because the last thing I wanted to become ever again was the unspiritual toxic mess I once was.
Thus all of this change has led up to me choosing not once, but twice in the past few weeks to not spend time or remain a friend with two separate people who sadly seem to be living out the slogan “if nothing changes, nothing changes.” Both have struggled with their sexuality for a very long time and continue to shroud themselves in negativity because of it. Each has also greatly struggled living a spiritual based life where most of their focus appears stuck in complaints about what they don’t have, rather than what they do. But most importantly, I’ve seen signs of active addictions still swimming around their behaviors that have been a huge warning sign for myself to stay away, which is exactly what I’ve done.
The hardest part about this decision to keep my distance from each of them is how it made them both feel. I have seen the sadness in their eyes and heard the dismay in their words as I set my boundaries and made it very clear that I couldn’t spend time with them. And even though they might not think so, I don’t consider myself any better than them, I just want to live better than how they are choosing to live.
My deepest truth is really this. I know if I was to spend any bit of regular time with either, there’s a good chance I’ll start living as they do, which will only lead me right back into becoming spiritually sick all over again. That’s the last thing I would want in life nowadays and I know that’s the last thing God would want of me either. So I’ll continue to pray for these two individuals from a distance hoping for them to discover greater love and light from within. In the meantime, I’m going to choose to spend time with only those who are trying to live a life free from addictions, selfless, and guided by a Higher Power, as I know in doing so, I’ll have no problem with becoming just like those I’m regularly spending time with…
Peace, love, light and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
Peace, love, light and joy right back at you, my friend. Wishing you and Chris many blessing in the New Year. JJA
Thanks Jeff, and you as well!
I have seen the sadness in their eyes and heard the dismay in their words as I set my boundaries and made it very clear that I couldn’t spend time with them.
I’m curious as to your reasoning for telling these people about your boundary-setting. Did you feel that sharing this with them might make them change? Or that letting them know how uncomfortable you felt around them would trigger some sort of an “ah-ha” moment?
My own addiction to control and playing God (or judge and jury) used to drive me to make sure that every person around me knew how I felt about them – good or bad. And with most of the addictive/unhealthy-behaving persons, it changed nothing, and only soured the memories of whatever good history we had between us in the past.
The Al-Anon folks talk about the difference between “detachment” and “amputation.” I think the concept of detachment is embodied by the old country-music song, “If My Phone Ain’t Ringin’, I’ll Know It’s You.”
I’m not sure if it was either. I didn’t tell them that to hope they would change. That I know. As for some sort of “ah-ha” moment, I already had one prior to setting those boundaries. My decision to setting those boundaries and then telling them was for my own self-empowerment and spiritual growth. Normally my codependent self would have spent time with them, feeling miserable, or doing toxic behaviors, and growing more spiritually sick along the way. But when I’m asked about hanging out and I say no, and asked why, I feel it’s appropriate at that point to say why I’m setting boundaries. Make sense?