A Little New Year’s Eve Reflection And Gratitude

It’s New Year’s Eve and the end of yet another year. I’m amazed at how fast 2014 flew by given all that I’ve been through this year. While I have no idea what 2015 may bring, I do know I’m starting it on the right foot, clean and sober, from all addictions, and for that I’m truly grateful.

I’m so grateful I will not be getting wasted today on alcohol or drugs because every New Year’s Eve that I did always ended up in a disaster…

I’m so grateful I will not be sleeping with some random person today because every New Year’s Eve that I did I felt even more alone afterwards…

I’m so grateful I will not be in the casinos today gambling hundreds of dollars away because every New Year’s Eve that I did I was chasing something I never was able to obtain…

I’m so grateful I will not be spending any time today in codependence with a friend because every New Year’s Eve that I did I ended up being angry and getting into verbal rage with them…

Truly, I’m just grateful I won’t be chasing any person, place, or thing at any point today to bring me happiness, because I know none of them ever will. I know now that true happiness can only ever come from within, from the soul, and from the part of God that lives inside me, which thankfully is burning a whole lot brighter this New Year’s Eve…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Blame Game

Have you ever blamed someone close to you for misplacing or losing something of yours, only to find out sometime later that it was of your own doing? I call this The Blame Game and it’s definitely something I’ve been guilty of a number of times in life. Unfortunately, it’s also something that can become quite common between spouses and partners, like it apparently was for me this morning, and a few weeks ago as well.

In regards to this morning, it had to do with misplacing my keys. When I noticed they weren’t on the rack as I headed out the door to my recovery meeting, I began searching around the entire house growing more frustrated and frantic in the process. After I thought I had covered every single inch of space in my home with no success, I began questioning my partner by asking if he had seen them. Over the course of ten minutes of time, I went from innocently questioning him to totally blaming him because my last memory of where they were was on the kitchen counter the prior evening. I had convinced myself that he had cleaned the counter up and either forgotten where he placed them or had accidentally thrown them away in the process. But ironically it was me who had forgotten. I eventually discovered this when my partner found my keys sitting on the toilet in our bathroom, which is precisely when I vaguely remembered setting them there when I came home last night. It’s pretty obvious to state how much I felt like a jerk knowing it was my fault after playing The Blame Game with my partner for those ten to fifteen minutes. And sadly, it hadn’t been that long since I had last played it with him either.

The last occurrence of it was just a few weeks ago when we returned home from our weekend Christmas trip to Chicago. As I was unpacking, I discovered I had left my prized teddy bear that has been with me for almost two decades now. To prevent myself from going into any great detail about why this bear is so important to me, the following is the link to my entry that talks about him:

https://thetwelfthstep.com/2014/10/21/my-prayer-bear/

Anyways, my immediate thought when I noticed my bear was missing was of being rushed out of the hotel room that morning by my partner. This time there was no questioning him at all, as I instantaneously went into playing The Blame Game by telling my partner it was totally his fault. I adamantly declared I wouldn’t have forgotten him if he hadn’t rushed me to check out of the hotel. Thankfully though the staff of the hotel ended up being able to locate my bear behind the bed when I called them and they promptly sent him home the very next day. But the damage had already been done to my partner in playing The Blame Game, as it truly was my responsibility to have taken the time to look for my priceless possession, not him.

In each case of where I played this game, neither were my partner’s fault they were mine. Playing The Blame Game is dangerous because it usually only causes anger and resentment to come between two people who love each other. In most cases in my life whenever I’ve played this game, I’ve always lost because each seemed to always come back to my own negligence or absent-mindedness.

So I think the lesson here for me is to pause the next time this happens, pray, and keep the fingers pointing back at me. After all, there truly are no winners in the long run whenever anyone plays The Blame Game…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

How Sex Was Once The Only Way I Felt Attractive Or Desired

Have you ever had sex with someone just so that you might feel attractive or desired for a moment? Sadly, I have, as both of these were the sole motivating forces for the majority of my sexual relations until I learned to love myself a whole heck of a lot more.

To be perfectly honest, I grew up believing I was an ugly duckling. Being a tall, lanky, or rather skinny type of guy who acted kind of goofy never gained me much in the way of attention or attraction from anyone. I didn’t go to my junior or senior prom because of this, nor did I ever feel like I had any real uplifting support at home either. What I mean by that is I don’t remember my parents doing what many parents tend to do when they tell their children how handsome or beautiful they are. Instead, I remember my mother being more focused on me not becoming overweight. And I also remember both of my parents focusing more on me overachieving in school and athletics. And even though I was never actually overweight at any point in my childhood, except maybe as a baby, and even though I did overachieve in all of my schooling and sports, I never felt like I was good enough, was anything special, or that anyone would ever want to be in an unconditionally loving relationship with me.

Alcohol and drugs became a great way to suppress all of these feelings as they helped me to cover up the fact that I had no idea how to offer any love to myself. When I became clean and sober from them both, I was still that same insecure little boy who felt ugly and alone. And even though there were people around that time who began telling me I was attractive, I still didn’t feel it within me. But then I discovered another type of drink and another type of drug that helped me to feel a lot more attractive and desired in life. Sex.

I had only had a few minor sexual experiences prior to becoming sober from alcohol and drugs, none of which I really remember. But with a mere two months of sobriety under my belt at the young age of 23, I had my first sober sexual experience. It not only gave me an incredible rush, it also provided me temporary relief outside of myself that I was a handsome and desired man in this world. And so began a very long list of allowing many to get in bed and have their way with me, over and over and over again. But there was one thing I always noticed and felt after each of those sexual acts. Empty.

I know now that’s because I didn’t love myself enough. Instead, I was trying to seek that from others, for pretty much two decades of my life. Just like a drink or a drug momentarily offered me some ease and comfort from this lack of self-love, having sex with people that were my type also did the same. It validated me for brief interludes by helping me to feel attractive and desired on a temporary basis. But it never lasted.

Until I began to develop an unconditionally loving relationship with myself, none of these sexual behaviors changed. In fact, they grew worse and worse, as I settled for less and less. Eventually, I allowed myself to be sexually abused by those who found me attractive and all that did for me was drive me to severe anxiety and depression.

How all of this finally changed was when I spent 11 months completely celibate. No sex. No masturbation. No nothing. During that time I fully learned how to give myself the love my parents were never able to give me, as well as learning to love myself for who I truly was within. In all reality, on some level I guess you could say that I fell in love with myself and because I did, I stopped seeking sex as a way to comfort myself.

Today, I view sex quite differently. It’s something I treasure with only someone I deeply love and who loves me unconditionally. In many ways, I’ve become somewhat of a prude nowadays and rather old-fashioned when it comes to sex. But I like who I am today and I don’t need to have sex to feel desired or attractive at all.

In all reality, I know I am both handsome and beautiful today not because of something happening between me and another naked person, but because of what I feel is being generated from within. I unconditionally love myself enough now to see that I don’t need to have sex to define me at all anymore and I thank God for helping me finally get here…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson