There’s an unwritten rule in AA that I’ve been struggling with immensely since the day I began my recovery from alcoholism and drug addiction. It’s called Rule 62 and by definition it means, “Don’t take yourself too damn seriously. Although I do believe it’s important to not take myself so seriously at times, having fun at my expense, especially in front of others, and joking about my recovery are two circumstances I feel I can’t apply to that rule.
Take for example what happened to me a few Fridays ago at my home group. Towards the end of the meeting, my heart moved to share some of my own experience, strength, and hope about the topic of the day. When I raised my hand and was eventually called upon, the moderator made a joke about me that actually held no validity. Unfortunately, I immediately went from my heart into my head, as the room erupted into laughter, forgetting all about the words I wanted to share in the process. Instead I attempted to muster a fake smile as I proceeded to string some words together that were quite far from the original passion I had felt minutes prior. When the meeting ended, I approached the moderator and asked they not repeat that behavior again with me. The response I received was right up that Rule 62’s alley by suggesting I needed to lighten up a little. While I knew this person’s joke truly meant me no harm, it hit an area within me that still causes me great pain.
You see, as a kid I was bullied incessantly and was always the pun of just about everyone else’s jokes. But through my work in recovery, I was able to find forgiveness in my heart for each of those people who did. This allowed me to finally release the anger and resentments I had held onto inside for years towards them except it didn’t erase the memories of it happening to me again and again. And as much as I wanted it to, it continues to resurface to this very day each time anyone makes fun of me, especially in front of a room full of people.
I’m honestly not sure if it will ever go away, just as much as I know some soldiers with PTSD never fully erase the memories of what they saw when they fought oversees. Regardless, I have learned through my spiritual work that anyone who makes fun of another is usually only acting from their own insecurity and defects of character. Knowing this does help somewhat to ease the brunt when someone pokes fun at me, but all in all I still find it very challenging to apply Rule 62 in situations such as this.
In general, I’ve also found it quite challenging to apply this rule to my recovery because when I have, I’ve always grown more spiritually sick and landed smack dab back in the thick of an addiction. Over the years through a lot of trial and error, I saw how my constant joking around in meetings and with sponsees not only led me away from the love and light I sought, it also brought on the same soul-sickness I felt during all the years I was using something addictively to make me feel better.
So do I believe that Rule 62 and not taking myself too damn seriously is important? Sure, I have no problem poking fun at myself when I’m alone or with one other individual. But I draw the line when it’s done at my expense in front of others, especially when it happens in the rooms of recovery. Being bullied as a kid wasn’t fun and it scarred me for life. And joking about my recovery has only ever led me straight back into a life of addiction. Maybe one day some of this will change, but for now I tend to believe my Higher Power wouldn’t want me to make fun of others nor joke about my recovery either. Thus I think overall I’m ultimately applying Rule 62 just fine…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson