Serenity is defined as the state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled. It’s probably the most frequently utilized word in Alcoholics Anonymous, as well as all other 12 Step recovery programs. Is this something you have more than not in life?
I never had much in the way of serenity during my childhood prior to becoming addicted to anything. That’s mostly because I was too consumed by the inherent dysfunctionality in my family, because of being constantly bullied in school, and because of being molested at such a young age. I rarely felt calm or peaceful or untroubled during any of those years. But then I found alcohol and drugs.
Alcohol and drugs always gave me the illusion I was feeling serene. During many of the times I was drunk or high, I had plenty of moments of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled. Except they never lasted. As soon as each of those drunken binges or highs wore off, anxiety and depression would set in. I’d see all the trouble I had created during those illusionary moments and remember all the ones I had tried to suppress as well. So did I really have any any serenity from drinking and drugging? Not at all, which is one of the main reasons why I became clean and sober from them both and sought for it elsewhere. Unfortunately, I looked for it in all the wrong places.
I spent about 15 years searching for serenity in various people, places, and things and was constantly let down. None of them ever brought me any lasting states of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled. In fact, each in the long run only brought me in the opposite direction to that of where alcohol and drugs took me. During all those years though, I did experience a few rare occasions of feeling some true serenity. But they never came from any of those people, places, or things.
They only came from when I tried to get closer to God…
Until I made the decision to solely seek out what God’s will was for me, a life filled with a lot more continuous serenity evaded me. But since doing so, I’ve lived a lot more minutes of being in those states of calm, peaceful, and untroubled.
Thankfully, I haven’t been seriously anxious, depressed, or troubled for quite some time now. And while I still do struggle at times with my health, which has often opposed my level of serenity, I know the only solution to maintaining it is to keep forging a closer relationship with God. Because being with God in my recovery is the only thing that has ever kept me feeling serene more than not…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson