Have you ever had sex with someone just so that you might feel attractive or desired for a moment? Sadly, I have, as both of these were the sole motivating forces for the majority of my sexual relations until I learned to love myself a whole heck of a lot more.
To be perfectly honest, I grew up believing I was an ugly duckling. Being a tall, lanky, or rather skinny type of guy who acted kind of goofy never gained me much in the way of attention or attraction from anyone. I didn’t go to my junior or senior prom because of this, nor did I ever feel like I had any real uplifting support at home either. What I mean by that is I don’t remember my parents doing what many parents tend to do when they tell their children how handsome or beautiful they are. Instead, I remember my mother being more focused on me not becoming overweight. And I also remember both of my parents focusing more on me overachieving in school and athletics. And even though I was never actually overweight at any point in my childhood, except maybe as a baby, and even though I did overachieve in all of my schooling and sports, I never felt like I was good enough, was anything special, or that anyone would ever want to be in an unconditionally loving relationship with me.
Alcohol and drugs became a great way to suppress all of these feelings as they helped me to cover up the fact that I had no idea how to offer any love to myself. When I became clean and sober from them both, I was still that same insecure little boy who felt ugly and alone. And even though there were people around that time who began telling me I was attractive, I still didn’t feel it within me. But then I discovered another type of drink and another type of drug that helped me to feel a lot more attractive and desired in life. Sex.
I had only had a few minor sexual experiences prior to becoming sober from alcohol and drugs, none of which I really remember. But with a mere two months of sobriety under my belt at the young age of 23, I had my first sober sexual experience. It not only gave me an incredible rush, it also provided me temporary relief outside of myself that I was a handsome and desired man in this world. And so began a very long list of allowing many to get in bed and have their way with me, over and over and over again. But there was one thing I always noticed and felt after each of those sexual acts. Empty.
I know now that’s because I didn’t love myself enough. Instead, I was trying to seek that from others, for pretty much two decades of my life. Just like a drink or a drug momentarily offered me some ease and comfort from this lack of self-love, having sex with people that were my type also did the same. It validated me for brief interludes by helping me to feel attractive and desired on a temporary basis. But it never lasted.
Until I began to develop an unconditionally loving relationship with myself, none of these sexual behaviors changed. In fact, they grew worse and worse, as I settled for less and less. Eventually, I allowed myself to be sexually abused by those who found me attractive and all that did for me was drive me to severe anxiety and depression.
How all of this finally changed was when I spent 11 months completely celibate. No sex. No masturbation. No nothing. During that time I fully learned how to give myself the love my parents were never able to give me, as well as learning to love myself for who I truly was within. In all reality, on some level I guess you could say that I fell in love with myself and because I did, I stopped seeking sex as a way to comfort myself.
Today, I view sex quite differently. It’s something I treasure with only someone I deeply love and who loves me unconditionally. In many ways, I’ve become somewhat of a prude nowadays and rather old-fashioned when it comes to sex. But I like who I am today and I don’t need to have sex to feel desired or attractive at all.
In all reality, I know I am both handsome and beautiful today not because of something happening between me and another naked person, but because of what I feel is being generated from within. I unconditionally love myself enough now to see that I don’t need to have sex to define me at all anymore and I thank God for helping me finally get here…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
We are pretty much opposites in this case, because my inner-self-loathing kept me from acting out. The desire was there, but the overwhelming sense of undesirability convinced me to not even try – why put myself out for more rejection? It probably saved my life…but those were lonely and frustrating days. I’m glad to be well past them.
I’m just lucky I never got a disease and you are right, your self doubt probably protected you.