Do I matter? This question is by far the thing that’s most challenging me in my life as of late. I was clearly reminded of this just over a week ago when a saw a Facebook posting on the newsfeed from an old sponsee of mine.
In it he mentioned how that day marked seven years of a life free from alcohol and drugs and also thanked a few names of people who had given him hope to reach his latest milestone in sobriety. But my name wasn’t one of them, and it bothered me immensely. I became even more perturbed when I saw he had over 200 “likes” to his posting and close to 100 comments as well praising his success. While I truly was happy for him and quite sure he received the recognition he might have hoped for and then some, I allowed it to get the best of me, becoming overly frustrated along the way. It made me think of all the motivational blogs I’ve been writing daily for over two years and how they’ve been read by very little and received even less recognition. It made me think of the many other sponsees I’ve done my very best to help who were often more apt to criticize than praise me for my efforts. And it made me think of the many other things I’ve tried to do to help make this world a better place that have often gone unnoticed.
Now don’t get me wrong, I do know and understand that all of these thoughts are totally coming from my ego. And I know that mattering in this world and being recognized by another person, place, or thing will never bring me the peace and serenity I seek in life. I get that, trust me I do. I get that this kind of attention only causes one to look for it again somewhere else once the buzz of receiving it wears off. I also get that true peace and serenity, and feeling like one matters in life must come from within.
Obviously I have an unresolved issue here in my own spiritual recovery and in all honesty, I’m trying to work through it now by writing about it here. I actually know where this pattern began. I know it began with my parents and my relationship to them because I spent my entire childhood trying to feel like I mattered to them and hoping they would recognize my achievements with a simple “I’m so proud of you” type of statement. But more than not, the message they taught me was how I could always do better. What this translated into was the pattern I’m still living in today on some level. I have spent too many years of my life trying to outdo myself, trying to overachieve and get recognition, and trying to have someone else or something else on this planet prove I matter.
Would it be different right now if my parents had paid more attention to me and given me unconditional love? Would it be different if they had told me over and over again how proud they were of me with no strings attached? I don’t know and truthfully being hypothetical here isn’t helping me to move beyond this. I have to find some way within to know that I matter. I have to find some way to stop seeking that outside recognition, which one friend used to refer to as “At-a-boys”.
Buddhism says that the path to total peace and serenity comes from the loss of self. Jesus demonstrated that quite a bit himself in the stories I’ve read about him. I have never thought of the word “ego” when it came to the original Buddha or Jesus, or any of the other great spiritual teachers who’ve left their legacies behind before passing on from this plane.
So the only thing I know to do right now is pray, pray for my Higher Power to help me move beyond this challenge and obstacle that has been plaguing me way too much as of late. So God, if you’re listening, which I really hope You are, please help me. Please help me overcome this pattern that has been around since I was such a young kid. I want to know God that I matter, but I truly want that to come from within and not from outside of me anymore. I want to be able to give myself all the recognition I ever need and be completely ok with that knowing that any of the outside recognition I’ve ever received has only led me to seek even more of it. I’m sure God that I matter to You, and that You probably have already recognized me time and time again for the hard work I’ve been putting in to grow closer to You. But I need help now to truly find that from within, as then and only then do I believe I will ever be at peace and find the serenity I truly seek in life. Thank You God. Amen.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
You matter!!! How’s the saying go? No good deed goes unpunished? You mattered at the time to your friend and that’s all that should matter, not the recognition, you know in yourself the support and good that you did. That’s all that is needed..
Thanks Scott for the nice and wise words. 🙂
I think the answer might be found in the old adage “It’s none of my business what other people think of me.” Truly, for me, if I can know when I say my prayers at night that I did and gave the very best I had in me during that day, then I indeed mattered. Others that I effected May not even realize that my words or actions have effected them! But something may have been subconsciously embedded in their mind or some action may have an effect on them in the future and they may not know why they did or said what they did in some instance, totally unaware that they were made ready for what they had to do that day because at some point I effected them. And as you know, as you have admitted, outward displays that you mattered to someone are fleeting and not always healthy for us. Perhaps your HP is guarding you from these exposures as an answer to your continued prayers/requests that you might remain humble and of service. You DO indeed matter, and your sharings are useful openings guving others an opportunity to examine their own frailties and weaknesses. Know and ACCEPT that you are here because God placed you here for a reason. Look inward first, always my friend.
Spike, thanks for your words. I think you might be right on the ego deflation thing. Sometimes it’s just truly difficult when I see people living negativity and getting praise and those living with light and trying to help the planet getting nothing… but the “nothing” is from my own set of eyes… who knows what God sees… hopefully something better… at least that’s what my faith and hope continues to believe… 🙂