Yes, it really is true, there’s no official rule that says one can’t date in their first year of sobriety or at any point in sobriety for that matter. And it’s also not something one will find written in the Big Book nor will it be found written in the 12 and 12 either. With that being said, I can attest looking back on my road to recovery, that I understand now why it’s always SUGGESTED one should not date early on in their recovery.
Here’s the thing, when a person first comes to recovery, especially from an alcohol or drug addiction, their focus has usually been on seeking external satisfaction to fill an internal void for quite some time. In other words, most have no idea who they are because they’ve been consistently looking outside of themselves for inner happiness. Unfortunately, it takes a tremendous amount of work to change this in recovery, which often causes many to give up that quest in exchange for a new boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, significant other or the like. When this happens, instead of learning how to validate themselves and truly like and love whom they are inside, they look for it in their new relationship. In doing so, the new person in their lives only becomes their fix, just like alcohol and drugs once were for them. And when that new fix no longer gives them the validation they need to keep filling their internal void, arguments ensue, fights happen, breakups occur, and frequently an end result of either them seeking it in yet another person to date or a full relapse back into their addiction.
This is why it’s always suggested a person should not date early on in recovery, because they will never know how to have a successful relationship with anyone else until they learn how to have one with themselves. I should know because I didn’t listen to that unwritten rule like so many others have done throughout the history of recovery from addictions. In fact, I began dating less than 60 days into my sobriety from alcohol and drugs, which only began a very long and arduous journey of more than 15 years where I kept seeking a mate to make me feel better about myself. And I found many of them, each filling that void for a time, which was no different than what alcohol and drugs had once done for me. But like any fix, eventually I needed more and more of it until it ended up destroying each of those relationships, one after another. You see, none of them were ever going to be able to permanently remove my character defects, my selfishness, my insecurity, or my loneliness. They were only ever able to give me a temporary reprieve from my inner misery and nothing more, just like alcohol and drugs did for me.
It wasn’t until I spent an entire year single, 16 years into my sobriety, that I learned how to fill that inner void all on my own. It was then that I began working the 12 Steps 100% of the time. And if it wasn’t for that, I don’t think I’d be having the most successful relationship I’ve ever had in my entire life, as I am right now with my current partner.
So if you happen to be someone early on in recovery from an addiction who’s single and thinking about dating, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and understand that unless you truly find your happiness coming from within, there’s no one out there in this world who will ever complete you or bring you everlasting fulfillment because that can only ever come from within…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson