Have you ever gotten into a new relationship with someone where you found yourself spending most of your free time with them instead of with everyone else that’s been a part of your life for awhile? Many might say it’s common for this to happen, but the truth is it can also be a warning sign of the beginnings of a codependent connection.
I could probably write pages on this subject but I won’t bore you with all those details. But honestly, almost every one of my prior relationships began this way and I’m not just talking about intimate ones either. There were plenty of friendships that started out in this fashion as well. Regardless of what type they ever ended up being, there was always a common denominator that existed before any of them began.
I was insecure and had an extremely difficult time loving and accepting myself unconditionally.
In other words, I had a hard time liking what I saw reflecting back at me in the mirror, which only translated into me seeking a person, place, or thing outside of myself for validation.
Hence the introduction of a new friend or a new romantic interest that truly dug me and saw beyond all the things I didn’t really like about myself temporarily filled that void I wasn’t doing on my own. Suddenly I could look in the mirror and say I must be ok because someone else wants to spend so much time with me. Except I never saw how unhealthy this was. I never saw that my engrossing myself with this new person was keeping me away from healing me. I never saw how it prevented me from seeing and doing the work that was necessary to help me love and accept myself so much more than I did.
Eventually, each of those relationships became codependent in nature. Essentially I became dependent on them to feel better about myself. When the connection was great and still externally validating me, I felt awesome. But when there were issues and drama and that external validation disappeared on any level, I felt terrible. Because ultimately, I wasn’t changing at all, I was only looking for the solution outside of myself to fix my insecurity and lack of self-love. And in the long run, each of those relationships ALWAYS fell apart and completely dissolved.
The sad part about doing this was not only how it stunted my potential to heal, but how it also drove away existing friends because they felt neglected more than not. I lost a ton of friends over the years because I expected them to understand that I was in these new relationships, yet what I couldn’t see was just how selfish and self-centered that expectation was. The fact is I was so codependent in the past with new relationships that I truly never cared as much about my existing friends solely because they didn’t provide me the external validation as much as the new relationships were.
So if you happen to be someone that’s in a new relationship where you find yourself immersing your life into theirs, be careful because it could just be a warning sign for the start of a new codependent connection. If you didn’t love and accept yourself that much prior to beginning this relationship, then you most likely won’t find that in it either. And realize the more you choose to immerse yourself in it, the more you stand the chance of losing those friends and loved ones in your life who are just as worthy and deserving of your time and energy as well…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
I thank you for this timely blog . . . why?? because I am interested in a guy who is also interested in me . . . there is quite an age difference but I am hoping that as we learn more about each other; and talk of our differences and life styles we can avoid the co-dependent pratfalls that you discussed. My only previous relationship of 21 years lasted that long because of that exact thing, with the added fears of being alone. I pray for all my friends who have been a part of my support system ever since my mother died when I found myself truly alone . . . with no partner, no family member, no roommate, just myself. I have been single for 15 years and have learned that I CAN be alone, and survive. There were and are moments when I do become a hermit and hide from everyone. I know this is not healthy behavior for a social being as myself. Being older and wiser, I can stop myself from these kinds of behaviors, and realize that I am only hurting myself. But I now choose not to be alone and want to share my life with someone who wants to share his life with me. To be productive; to be positive role models of being together, but still have separateness; to have my friends family and my life; and he have his friends family and his life. So that we may share and meld our two individual strong lives together as one!
Buddy, thank you for your comments. I do think it’s great you are taking your time and not jumping into something just because you’ve been alone. It’s a normal and common thing sometimes for people to immerse themselves in the other person because of having been alone. Hopefully you are much wiser and will balance out your life as you get to know this person over time. But spending every waking moment with them is going from one extreme to an unhealthier other one… don’t you think? So it seems like you know this and for that I’m glad. 🙂