I was assigned a homework assignment from my first true Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) sponsor a good number of years ago, over seven to be exact, that was probably the first thing I ever did in recovery to help crush my once very overinflated ego. It’s one I also still redo from time to time when my spirit moves me. The assignment was to take pages 60-63 in the AA Big Book, fondly known as “The Actor” section, and rewrite it in the first person, in other words as me. At first, it was quite the difficult assignment to do, but over the years as I’ve grown less self-centered and controlling, I’ve found it far easier to accomplish. It’s been awhile though since I last repeated it, which is precisely why I decided to redo it for today’s entry, so here it is:
“The first requirement is that I am convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis I am almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though my motives are good. I frequently try to live by self-propulsion and become the actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in my own way. If my arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as I wish, the show would be great. Everybody, especially myself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. As I try to make these arrangements I often become quite virtuous. In those cases, I become kind, considerate, patient, generous, even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, I can also be quite immoral at times by becoming mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, I am more than likely to have varied traits.
So what usually happens? The show doesn’t come off very well! I begin to think life isn’t treating me right. That’s when I always decide to usually exert myself even more. I then become, on the next occasion, even more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play normally does not suit me. At this point I usually start admitting I am somewhat at fault, but always then find a way to convince myself that other people are more to blame. That’s when I then become angry, indignant, and self-pitying on a constant basis. So what then is my basic trouble? Aren’t I just a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Aren’t I a victim of the delusion that I can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if I could only manage it well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things I want? And don’t my actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Aren’t I, even in my best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?
As the actor, I become self-centered—egocentric, as people like to call it nowadays. I am like the retired businessman who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation. I am like the minister who sighs over the sins of the twenty-first century. I am like politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave. I am the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him. I am like the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever my protestations, aren’t I really only concerned with my nothing more than myself, my resentments, and my self-pity?
Selfishness—self-centeredness! That, I know, is consistently at the root of my troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, I constantly step on the toes of my fellows causing them to retaliate. Sometimes they hurt me, seemingly without provocation, but I invariably find that at some time in the past I have always made a decision based on self, which later placed me in this position to be hurt.
So my troubles are basically of my own making. They arise out of myself, causing me to become an extreme example of self-will run riot, though I ordinarily tried to make myself believe quite the opposite. Above everything, I must be rid of this selfishness. I must, or it kills me! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Even though I’ve had my own moral and philosophical convictions galore over the years, I found I could never live up to any of them, as much as I would have liked to, and neither was I able to reduce my self-centeredness much, by simply wishing or trying to be my own higher power. I ultimately had to have God’s help!
This is the how and why of it. First of all, I had to quit playing God. After all, it never worked when I did. Next, I decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be my Director. He is the Principal, and I am His agent. He is the Father, and I am His child. Most good ideas are simple like this concept is, and it’s one that continues to become the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which I am passing to total freedom.
By sincerely taking on such a position, all sorts of remarkable things have followed in my life. Today, I have a new Employer. Being all-powerful, He provides what I need, as long as I keep close to Him and perform His work to the best of my ability. Established regularly on such a footing, I have become less and less interested in myself, and my little plans and designs. Instead, I have become more and more interested in seeing what I can contribute to life. As I continue to feel this new power flow in, I find I am enjoying peace of mind, I am discovering I can face life successfully, and I am becoming more aware than ever before of His presence. As a result of all this, I am truly beginning to lose my fear of today, tomorrow, and the hereafter. I am being reborn!”
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson