I have a spiritual teacher who has diligently and most definitely gone above and beyond the call of duty to help me heal over the past three years. She’s truly been a Godsend, especially on plenty of days when I’ve wanted to give up because of the unrelenting pain that continues to loudly knock on my door from within. Regrettably, I allowed my fear to get the best of me recently at the end of one of those pain-laden days, as I sent her a long email layered in negativity and frustration about my whole healing process. This only resulted in irritating her and me appearing codependent and overly needy. Since then, I’ve gone through a barrage of emotions, all of which have led me to writing this amends, because I most assuredly do owe her one.
Three years ago, I contacted her after finally saying goodbye to the last toxic relationship that was standing in the way of me stepping fully onto this healing path. When she told me then that she would take me on as a student and be my guide through the bumpy road to come, I was overjoyed. Not too long after that though, I know it became quite apparent to her on the amount of energy it was going to take to be my spiritual teacher, yet she gratuitously gave me that day in and day out, spending an exorbitant amount of time guiding me in the right direction.
By the time the first 365 days of being her student had passed, I had settled into a regular routine of connecting with her multiple times a week, usually for an hour on each of those occasions. Unfortunately, as the intensity of my spiritual work increased to cleanse my life, so did my level of pain, which only proceeded to increase my fear and demands on her time. Yet, she stuck by my side and patiently gave me hour after hour after hour answering the same questions again and again and again. And even as the next 365 days would pass after that, and even as my pain levels would rise even higher, she would remain by my side, constantly giving me gentle reminders to keep on keeping on, to help ease all those rising fears and worries that surrounded my heath.
Through her ongoing guidance and teachings, I soon began to discover the healing power of affirmations, audio spiritual attunements, and even through my writing when I took on her homework assignment to start this blog. There probably hasn’t been a day that’s passed since where I haven’t felt grateful in my heart for all her guidance and immense dedication to me, because she’s done more for me than probably anyone who’s ever tried to help me heal.
With that being said, the past 365 days of my healing process has been the greatest challenge I’ve ever had to face in life, as my pain levels have been a 10 out of 10 on more days than not. Because of this, I’ve had to battle tons of fear and continually work at removing it almost daily it seems, especially as of late. All the while she’s stayed my spiritual teacher, never giving up on me, and continuing to provide me those kind reminders that I would make it through this, particularly when I most needed them.
Sadly, I allowed my ego and my pain-based fear recently to get the best of me though when I sent her that long email late on a Sunday evening after a very excruciating weekend. I knew it had made a negative impact on her, as I could feel it in her words in the very next conversation we had a day later. I can only imagine how she felt because of all the time, effort, and energy she’s freely provided me during the course of the past three years.
While I can’t go back into the past and erase that email from ever being sent to her, I can do exactly as my program of recovery has taught me, which is to own where I was wrong. It’s not her fault that I’m in pain nor is it her responsibility to make it go away. But I know my words in that email said otherwise and for that I’m very sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was frustrate the one person who has so unconditionally remained by my side and given me her word that she would see me to the end of this long cycle of pain and healing.
This is specifically why I made it a point in my latest conversation with her to make an amends and ask for her forgiveness for temporarily acting out of my fear, for the frustration I caused her with that email, and for any of my other fear-based actions that have ever negatively affected her. I know I’d be truly lost without her ongoing guidance and direction and I also know I wouldn’t be as close to the end of this healing process as I am if it hadn’t been for all her excessive devotion to my healing processes so far.
When my amends process came to a close, I thanked her for all the time and energy she’s exuded since I began as her student and it was then I received confirmation that she forgave me. But even better, she promised to continue helping me reach that light that I know exists at the end of this long, dark tunnel I’ve been trudging through for what feels like an eternity.
The bottom line is that the amends process does work, especially when our Higher Power is in charge of making one. Mine definitely helped to not only find the right words to complete this process, but did so in such a way that my spiritual teacher knew it was from my heart and that I loved her dearly. So thank you Higher Power for getting me through this, as I’m truly grateful.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson