Month: June 2015

A Quick Stroll Down Love Addiction Lane

Five years ago over the 4th of July weekend, I was in San Antonio, Texas with more than 50,000+ people for the International Convention of the 75th anniversary of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). And although my sole reason for being there was like everyone else’s, to rejoice in sobriety, my focus was on something else more than not. What was it? Sadly, it was on the object of my then very active love addiction.

As I sit here and reflect upon all my actions and behaviors at that international AA convention, I can clearly see now how very sick I was then with an addiction that had me in it’s deadly grips until April 23rd, 2012. While everyone there seemed to be enjoying meeting new people from all around the world, all attending one meeting after another together, my eyes were glued to my phone on almost a consistent basis with my thoughts thousands of miles away.

Did I miss a call from him?

When is he going to call me?

I wish he were here.

I wonder what he’s doing right now?

These were just some of the many things that crossed my mind with every waking moment I was in San Antonio. Truthfully, I really wasn’t in that city at all, nor was I really at that convention for most of it either. Rather, I was back in Massachusetts in the home of the object of my love addiction.

I remember so vividly one moment in particular at this convention where I was waiting for a return phone call from this man who was the ongoing recipient of my disease at the time. I had just walked into a bathroom to relieve myself after a meeting I had attended but barely listened to. My mind was racing. Is he mad at me? Why hasn’t he called me back? I wonder if he’s found someone else? As I walked out of the bathroom pondering these thoughts, I reached into my pocket to look at my phone for the umpteenth time, to see if I had somehow missed his call.

Where is my phone! 

OH MY GOD! Where is my phone!

I reached in and out of my front pockets over and over again searching for it, like a heroin addict looking for his next fix. I had a panic attack and raced back into the bathroom, believing I had left it on the urinal.

“Excuse me, is there a phone over there? Do you see a phone there? Hey you? Sir?” I said repeatedly to a man taking a leak at the stall I had previously left.

I wasn’t even embarrassed because all I could think about was missing a call from my love addiction. Pretty soon I was asking the entire crop of men in the bathroom if they had seen a phone lying around, but everyone shook their heads and looked at me like I was insane. And actually I was and I’m sure I played that part very well right then.

As I left the bathroom, my brain raced uncontrollably and tears began to form in my eyes. Suddenly I realized I hadn’t checked my back pockets and that’s when I felt a bulge in one. It was my phone! Phew, relief…

My heart then slowed down to a steady crawl and I glanced down to see once again if I had missed his call. I hadn’t.

Why hasn’t he called!!!

And then the irrational cycle of my love addiction began all over again…

This was just one of many insanity-filled examples of my once very active love addiction, which is why I’m so grateful I’m presently free from an addiction that pretty much tore my entire life apart back then.

The point I’m trying to make with this quick stroll down love addiction lane is this. Love addiction is a serious problem for so many in this world, but most are often quite unaware of the disease within them when it’s active. If any of what I have written here rings true with you, I encourage you to seek help.

There is hope out there. I am a living, breathing example of it. Through the aid of Sex and Love Addiction Anonymous (SLAA), Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), my Higher Power, and the 12 Steps, I have found freedom one day at a time for three years now, from an addiction that robbed my life from being present at so many things, including that international convention. Thank God, I’ve grown so much since then. Thank God…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Sex And Love Addiction And The Three-Second Rule

Do you regularly stare at someone that you find attractive when they walk by or happen to be in the same room as you? If so, is it a quick stare, a long gaze, or something else altogether? In my case, it’s usually been the latter and often the very thing that led me directly into acting out in my sex and love addiction. But in my recovery from this addiction, I’ve learned about this action called the three-second rule that can help curb this behavior.

The three-second rule is simply this. When a person is nearby that one finds attractive, acknowledge it for no more than three seconds and then move on. Unfortunately for most people in recovery from a sex and love addiction though, this can tend to be a very difficult thing to do indeed. In my case, I frequently have looked for those three seconds, then looked away for a short period of time, then looked back again for three more seconds, and then repeated this behavior over and over until the person is no longer in my presence.

In fact, just the other night, I was in one of these recovery meetings doing this very thing with someone there, which only led me to feel slightly guilty when the meeting ended. Thankfully, my peers in that program reminded me that this behavior was a far cry from how I used to be with this addiction. They were right because (a) I never used to look away at all when I saw someone attractive, and (b) I used to follow all the long staring with doing whatever I could to get that person’s phone number. I’m grateful to say I didn’t do that the other night with this person, nor have I done that with anyone else in a long time. As it’s a sure bet that if I did get a person’s phone number I just stared at for long periods of time, I’m probably already in a relapse mode.

Nevertheless, it doesn’t excuse the excessive staring I did at the meeting that night, nor does it excuse all the other times I’ve done this lately either. I know it’s something I must work a little harder on, which is one of the main reasons why I’m writing about it here. I’ve actually spoken about this quite a bit with my sponsor and his sponsor as well, and both have said to not beat myself up about it. I guess that’s an easy thing for me to do sometimes though because I think beating myself up will be the necessary motivation to change an unhealthy behavior. Except so far, it hasn’t in this case.

Hence the other reason why I’m writing about this is to admit to the world I have a problem with this behavior, all in the hope that I’ll now be more conscious of not doing it the next time someone attractive comes along. Even better, after that meeting the other night, I told two of my recovery friends that I have this issue, so they can also help me stop doing it if they catch me in the act. But most importantly, I’ve started praying to my Higher Power to give me the willingness to remove this behavior and replace it with a much healthier one, one that follows the three-second rule legitimately.

So hopefully this is the beginning of me finally removing this unwanted behavior, one that draws me away from my Higher Power, one that prevents me from being present with others, and one that will only lead me back into my sex and love addiction in the long run. And I’m grateful to say that I think my Higher Power is already answering my prayers, because if I didn’t have the willingness to change this unhealthy behavior, I don’t really think I’d be writing about it now… J

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Red Spot And My Vanity

I had a strange pea-sized reddish-looking spot on my face that appeared over night a bunch of weeks ago. And no, it wasn’t a pimple. But man you would have thought the world was ending by the way I acted about it the entire time it was there. When it finally disappeared a few weeks later, whatever it was, I realized I still had some serious vanity issues I needed to deal with.

My vanity definitely began growing up in a family where how we looked and how we presented ourselves was far more important than working on our spiritual conditions within. Each of us in our own way spent more time in front of a mirror, with maybe the exception of my father, than we did looking at the things inside of ourselves that truly needed to be worked on.

As I grew older and left home, this only became exacerbated once I came out of the closet because for some reason how one looked seemed to be the most important thing with the majority of the gay culture. So as all my character defects began to glare more and more with each passing year, the only thing that really remained important to me was how I looked, especially my face.

Yes, I know that’s pretty vain. But for the longest time, it’s all I knew. I thought that as long as I looked attractive, people would want to be around me, date me, and be a part of my life. I never actually put much thought to the idea that maybe if I worked on my spiritual condition, it too might attract people to me, but ones that were far healthier for my life.

Over the past three years this is precisely what I’ve done, work on my spiritual condition. And while that has vastly improved along with my character defects greatly being reduced in the process, there obviously remains one unhealthy trait I haven’t been able to fully remove yet. That of course is my vanity and it’s something that became extremely clear to me for the several weeks I had that large red spot on my face.

In all honesty, I must have looked at it in the mirror dozens of times every day, placing tea tree oil and various other concoctions on it all with the hope it would disappear as quick as possible. The only thing all of that did though was make it look even worse, to the point where I had a mini meltdown when a friend at a meeting looked at me and said “What happened to your face?” It was then I ultimately started to accept the fact I had a problem with this unwanted trait.

Yes I realize I’m not getting any younger and as the years go on, I know more things are going to appear on my face and body, such as liver spots, moles, and various other signs of aging. This is specifically why I decided to write about this, because for me, the first step is admitting I’m powerless over something as silly as a red spot on my face and vanity itself.

I think the key for me on where to go from here with this character defect is to continue improving my spiritual condition. Because ultimately I fully believe that the closer I grow to my Higher Power, the less I’m going to ever become concerned with how I look on the outside. After all, I’m finding that as I continue to walk further and further along a spiritual path, what’s on the inside is really all that matters…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson