Month: January 2016

No Longer The Sore Loser…

I used to be a really poor sport when it came to losing at anything. It didn’t matter what it was. Basketball, bowling, tennis, board games, cards, you name it, if I lost, you probably wouldn’t have wanted to be around me. The bottom line was that I totally used to be a sore loser, but thank God that’s no longer the case.

Just recently in fact I played cards on New Year’s Eve with a few friends, as well as with my partner, and lost the majority of the games. Yet, I was completely cool with that and still felt pretty good when we called it a night. That’s such a far cry from the days when I would say nasty things, be spiteful, carry a negative attitude towards those that beat me, and even throw objects such as the cards themselves when I lost.

How I ever became that way can be traced to my childhood. Back then, I always felt like I didn’t matter, yet somehow if I won whatever game I was playing, it made me feel so much better about myself. But if I lost, I felt even worse. Truth be told, my Dad was the same way and would go so far as even ripping the cards in half or throwing a game board across the room if he ended up being the loser.

A number of people used to tell me I was extremely competitive and exactly like my father and some even went so far as saying it wasn’t much fun to play any type of game with me anymore. At some point I began to agree with them because I wasn’t enjoying playing games either, given how stressful I felt during them and afterwards.

So how did this change?

Honestly I attribute it to all the pain I’ve gone through these past few years of my life. Somehow having a body riddled with pain made me see how ridiculous it was to cause myself even more of it when I engaged in poor sportsmanship. Thankfully, the last time I really saw how much I didn’t like this character of mine was two summer ago when I was on a camping trip with a few friends.

During it I was playing a dice game and kept losing over and over and over again. But instead of just laughing it off, I angrily left the picnic table we were playing on and walked away in total disgust. It truly set a low vibrational tone for the rest of the evening, and even more so for the remainder of that weekend getaway for everyone there. I also felt very ugly and unattractive inside and my body hurt even more physically because of it, which is what finally propelled me to do something about a behavior that had been a part of my life for way too long.

I’m grateful to say that since that trip, I’ve come to much greater acceptance around losing and can safely admit I’m ok now when I don’t come out of top after finishing a game. I realize my life and my sense of peace within is far more valuable than whether I win a game or not. But I know I will lose much of that if I ever allow myself again to get worked up and become a sore loser after playing a game.

So whether I win or not now doesn’t ultimately matter to me. I just want to enjoy playing whatever game it is I do. And so far I’ve been able to do just that for quite some time now and I have to give thanks to my Higher Power and my spiritual program for that. As both have helped me to truly shift away from a behavior that was definitely not the sign of person trying to follow the will of God…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

How Comparing One’s Addiction To Another Is Never Healthy

One of the things that people sometimes do when they come to a recovery meeting for the first time is compare themselves to everyone else that’s there. Sadly, this is by far one of the unhealthiest things to do because doing so often tends to cause them to believe they are far healthier than everyone else there and to arrive a conclusion that they don’t have a problem.

I spent years looking at other alcoholics and addicts who drank and drugged every single day from morning to night and told myself I wasn’t that bad in my consumption of either. All that did was keep me from getting sober.

I also spent years looking at other sex and love addicts who had arrest records, who went to jail, and who spent time doing acting out behaviors at places such as parks and rest steps and told myself here as well that I wasn’t that bad in the sex and love patterns I was engaging in. All that did was keep me from getting sober here too.

Thankfully, I learned over time that everyone’s addiction patterns are truly different. For some the acting out behaviors were constant and extremely risky, while others were far less and tamer. In my case I was a weekend warrior and really depended on those Fridays and Saturdays to go all out in some form of a full-blown addiction mode. And while those specific behaviors may have been tamer than many others I’ve met in recovery, I was totally dependent on engaging in them, which is what specifically made me an addict in the first place. But comparing myself to someone else who acted out in a much stronger way than I only led me to not look at myself and get the help I so desperately needed. And unfortunately, because of this, any time I did attend a recovery meeting, I’d allow my ego to convince myself that I was far better than everyone else there, which as a result, caused me to remain sick, filled with plenty of character defects and addiction-like behavior.

The fact is all 12 Step recovery programs are synonymous with “We, Us, and Our”, not “I and Me”. But that is precisely what so many fail to see when they first come check them out. Comparing someone else’s addiction to one’s own and judging them to be far worse only leads to one thing, the individual remaining sick and suffering.

Thankfully I eventually stopped doing this and now look at everyone at the meetings I attend as my equal. I don’t judge them anymore on any of their acting-out behaviors. Instead, I look at them as my equal and as a gift to remind me of how cunning, baffling, and powerful addictions can become. The simple reality is that at any point in time my own addictions could have led me to the point others took them to and honestly still could if I chose to re-engage in it. This is specifically why I don’t compare myself anymore to anyone else in the 12 Step rooms and I’m quite grateful to say that in not doing so, I’ve grown far healthier in my recovery.

So if you are thinking about checking out a 12 Step meeting for any addiction, please go in with an open mind and try to not compare yourself to anyone else there. The truth is, your patterns in your addiction are your own and are what is leading you to be there in the first place. Stay around for awhile and I’m sure you’ll see your disease for what it is and how it’s taken you down, but even more important, you’ll also see how we’re all in this together, regardless of wherever our addictions took us…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson