It’s been almost 10 years since I visited Amsterdam in the Netherlands and yet the memories of that trip still bring me great sadness all these years later because of one addiction I had no idea I had succumbed to back then, that being the one that dealt with sex and love.
All this began back in the summer of 2007 when I was newly single. A seven-year relationship had come to a close and I was feeling extremely fearful because of it. When a friend from Amsterdam called and said I was welcomed to come visit and clear my head for however long I needed, I jumped at the chance. But not before I was completely dishonest with him when I said I really couldn’t afford it. But the fact was I could.
One of the many dishonest things I did during all the days of my active sex and love addiction was to tell people who found me attractive that I couldn’t afford to do much of anything. And more than not, most bought that lie and took me out to plenty of dinners, shows, movies, and even on vacations. Yet the fact remained I always had money to do those things, and even pay for them as well, but I rarely did. That is unless I needed to keep them roped in to my sick addiction-based behaviors if I perceived they were beginning to distance themselves from me.
While I truly loved and cared for this kind soul from Amsterdam, who I had originally met years earlier when he lived in New Jersey, I only thought of myself when he suggested this trip and what I could get out of it. That’s why when he offered to pay for most of the trip including the food, activities, and accommodations, and stated I only needed to buy my own souvenirs, my addiction-filled brain felt it hit the jackpot. It truly is sad that not once during any of that trip’s initial planning stage did I think about his needs and wants, that maybe he really desired some company and a good friend to spend some time with.
You see that’s what a sex and and love addiction does to a person and ultimately what any addiction does to a person for that matter. It makes a person think only of themselves and what they can get out of something or someone, not what they can offer. And in this case, I was only thinking of what my friend was going to provide me, instead of thinking about any of his own needs, wants, and desires.
But even more selfish on my part was the reality that I knew he was attracted to me. While the truth was I had some attraction to him myself, I used the notion that it was too soon to pursue anything given my recent break-up. Yet that was a lie as well because I was only afraid of some of his own chronic health issues.
So as I hopped on a mostly all-expense paid vacation to Amsterdam a few months later in August of 2007, I was completely oblivious to how sick I was with a sex and love addiction. And it didn’t take me long after arriving for that addiction to rear its ugly head even more as within the very second day I met one of his friends and began chasing after him. I then spent most of my first weekend there focusing all my attention on him instead, rather than on my own friend. And sadly, I didn’t even think anything of it. Within a week, I had become completely obsessed with this person who was actually from England and had already returned home. So while I should have been focusing all my attention on my friend from Amsterdam, I occupied most of my thoughts and time instead on this person from England and racked up text and phone costs in the process.
After the first week of obsessions ended, my friend took me to visit Brussels and then onto Paris, travelling by way of first class on a train. Once in Paris, I grew even more sick when I met another guy at a local bar who I totally thought could also be “the one”. You see that’s another big problem when someone deals with the love addiction part of this. They perceive anyone they meet with those “love at first sight” eyes when it’s really just lust. And I allowed that lust to control my life to the point where I had the audacity to ask my friend to return home to Amsterdam without me, while I remained in Paris with another total stranger who could barely speak any English. Needless to say, that brief connection ended up being a disaster like most of my sex and love addiction based pursuits.
When I returned to Amsterdam a week later, my friend was very upset with me and he had every right to be. Yet, back then, I couldn’t understand why. In my mind, I was single and felt like I deserved to do whatever I wanted, yet I just couldn’t see how selfish and self-centered I was to someone who had paid for pretty much everything and who simply just wanted a companion to see some sights and spend some time with.
To make matters even worse, as that Parisian pursuit fell to the wayside, my obsession with the person from England grew. So as my friend tried to take me around Amsterdam and even see parts of the Netherlands to show me plenty of exciting sites, my thoughts were only of this person from England and when I was going to see them again. Well that came a mere week later when I chose to hop on a plane for Manchester and leave my friend in the lurch with tickets and accommodations for what was meant to be the highlight of my trip, that being an excursion to Berlin, Germany.
Given that I’m mostly German, I always wanted to visit there, but sadly it never happened, and to this day, it still hasn’t. Nevertheless, I ended up dating that person from England for almost a year, travelling back and forth several times across the pond, for it to only end up failing and me pursuing another lustful pursuit more close to home.
Years later, once I found recovery from this addiction, I tried to make amends to this friend, who didn’t want any of that at all. I don’t blame him and have lived with sadness ever since. If you knew this guy, you would see that he’s the kind of person who would give the shirt off his back to you if you needed one. And truth be told, he and I might have made a great couple if I hadn’t been so caught up in active sex and love addiction behaviors.
So here I am, almost a decade later, writing about a trip that still haunts me at times in my thoughts and in my dreams. While I have forgiven myself for the damage this disease caused people like this friend from Amsterdam, I have yet to receive forgiveness from him and I honestly don’t know if I ever will. I do love him and think of him often, praying for him, and hoping that one day he might make peace with me. But it’s in God’s hands now and all I can do is be honest with the world and show just how sick a person can get when they allow a sex and love addition to take over their life.
Thank God I found recovery from this disease four years ago. Thank God I see how selfish I was with someone who truly deserved to be treated so much better. And thank God I no longer am being guided by an addiction that truly destroyed not just me, but so many beautiful souls…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson