Month: May 2017

Daily Reflection

“Addictions occur when you seek to fill an emptiness inside you with something outside of you.” (Karen Salmansohn)

Have you ever felt truly empty inside for an extended period of time? If you don’t know what I mean, maybe it’ll make more sense by asking if you’ve ever felt a huge lasting void within you, where life was filled with despair and loneliness, where it seemed next to impossible to feel joy, where it looked as if the world all around you appeared dark more than light, and where you quite possibly wondered if God was even present in your life anymore. If you’ve ever been in this extremely difficult place, then you might already know how alluring it was during that time to seek something outside of yourself to fill that huge pit of emptiness. Sadly, I know that place all too well and far too often sought to fill it with things that eventually turned into addictions.

When my Dad committed suicide for example, looking at pornography, chatting with others sexually on the Internet, and going from doctor to doctor for reassurance about one perceived health issues after another is what I sought to fill the emptiness I felt from his death. The same was true when my Mother died tragically, except then I sought to fill that emptiness with promiscuity, spending loads of money, travelling overseas, and moving from one place to another. Unfortunately, all of those things turned into addictions and only temporarily filled that emptiness within me. It wasn’t until I sat with that emptiness, day in and day out, facing it head on, did it ever heal and leave me.

Lately, I’ve been sitting with a lot of emptiness, except this time I’m not so sure where it’s coming from. The difference though is that I’m not seeking to fill it with anything outside of myself anymore. While the temptation to do so has been there, oh so strongly, I have resisted it thus far and sought my Higher Power, God, even when I’ve felt like He hasn’t been answering. Because the alternative, seeking something outside of myself that will most likely turn into an addiction is only going to derail me from the ultimate purpose I believe I have in life. That being to serve God and become a living testimony to God’s grace and unconditional love. And ultimately, I know I’ll never achieve that so long as I ever seek to fill up this emptiness with anything except that which comes directly from God…

I pray I will always choose to sit through any periods of emptiness I experience in life, no matter how long they last. And I pray to always seek my Higher Power during those times as well, instead of reaching for things outside of myself that only ever turn into addictions and illusions. As I know in doing so, will that emptiness ever be able to become filled with something that’s fully sustainable.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Thought For The Day

“24 hours in a day. No more. No less. That’s all I have to work with. To do my best to keep my thinking in check. To pray often. To trust that God cares about me and wants me to succeed. To hold on and not give up. To do for others what I can. To give God my weaknesses and triggers. To grow humility and a deeper gratitude. To give God all the credit. To have peace at the end of the day.” (C.L. Murphy)

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

The First 24 Hours Of Sobriety

A frequent topic of conversation amongst people in any 12 Step recovery program from addiction is the first 24 hours of sobriety. Pretty much everyone always seems to mention how bad it was and how they never want to go back to that moment in time again. But ironically, I would and often wish I had access to H.G. Wells time machine so that I could return to my first 24 hours of sobriety from alcohol and drugs on June 11th, 1995, as then I would do everything I could to convince my younger self to head in the right direction in recovery, because frankly, back then, I didn’t.

While most people in their first 24 hours of sobriety are usually facing the wreckage from their addiction for the first time sober, I wasn’t facing much of anything other than trying to figure out if my same-sex attraction was being caused by my drinking and drugging. I had no serious health crisis’s, impending divorces, loss of children, jail time, financial debt, homelessness, potential job loss or anything of the sort, like so many others have said they faced in those first 24 hours.

In addition, while many began to detox in those first 24 hours of sobriety with the aid of the rooms of recovery or some other getting-sober-based program, I opted to detox myself. And by the time it ended, which was three months later, I patted myself on the back, allowing my ego to convince me that I didn’t need any type of recovery program, seeing how I made it through the detox all on my own. Because of that, I then embarked upon a 17-year journey of recklessness, substitute addictions, selfishness, battling God’s will versus Andrew’s will, and going through things I never would have had to go through if I had just begun working my recovery program in those first 24 hours.

Sadly, this all led to me having to experience the hell of those first 24 hours over and over and over again through that 17-year period. Anxiety and depression became reoccurring friends of mine. All that wreckage I didn’t initially have, happened later, because my diseased progressed, even in my sober state. Why? Because I had no spiritual solution and was still living with all that poison inside me, the same poison that drove me to be that alcoholic and addict in the first place.

Even worse, while many people usually only end up enduring one bottom when they initially become sober in life from their addiction, I would go on to endure not just one bottom, but many more, each growing deeper and deeper, until finally in 2011, I hit my worst, when I actually attempted suicide.

Thank God, I’ve worked my recovery program solid since then. Through it, I’ve learned that life tends to get more stable after those first 24 hours, so long as one keeps working on their recovery. And while I may have gone through a lot in the past 5 years and suffered from a number of things, I’ve remained stable enough to never return to that terrible moment of weakness when I attempted to kill myself.

I must say though that those first 24 hours after that moment in time when I attempted to take my life are definitely a set of hours I never wish to return to. And although I still wish I could use a time machine to return to June 11th, 1995 in the hopes that I may convince my younger self to begin working on my recovery then, maybe it was all meant to happen this way?

Maybe I was meant to experience all those repeated 24 hours over and over and over again, after attempting one failed solution after another, so that I would not only be able to pass it on to others who may be in their first 24 hours and wondering what direction to head in, but also to become fully convinced that the only solution for a stable life from addiction is God and the 12 Steps…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson