Grateful Heart Monday

Welcome to another Grateful Heart Monday, where my week of writing begins with a single piece of gratitude for someone or something that has truly touched my life, which for today is for a guy named Randy Anderson.

Before I talk specifically about why I’m grateful for this person, I must first begin with an amends. You see, I wasn’t a kind person to Randy when he was actively a part of my life between 2007 and 2012. Sadly, I was more consumed during the majority of that period of time with how he could console me through all my addiction-based tendencies, rather than see him as someone who was filled with nothing but a kind, caring, and giving heart.

Randy was a loyal friend, someone who could light up the room with his many acts of kindness. Someone who made a difference in just being himself. But, I couldn’t ever see that because I was so wrapped up in a sex and love addiction that plagued my entire existence. I only saw Randy through my disease’s filters and failed to see the love of God constantly working within and through him. I became verbally abusive, demeaning, and made fun of Randy more than not during the majority of our time together, all because I was totally afraid of how much I had let him in.

Why was I so afraid of that? Because the majority of my life was always filled with abusive relationships and friendships, with individuals I had to chase after to get even a twinge of love, but Randy wasn’t one of them and that scared the crap out of me. That was so unfamiliar to me and being caught up as deeply as I was in that sex and love addiction prevented me from ever seeing his true gold. Instead, I became fully blinded from seeing any good in him and instead, I lashed out and hurt him again and again and again. I eventually wounded him so much so, near the end of January in 2012, that I placed the final nail in the coffin with our friendship. When I began this blog a year later, even though I had gotten sober from that addiction, I still wasn’t able to see Randy in his purest form and wrote about him in this blog in a very negative light. I was wrong for that and have lived with sadness over it ever since.

Because Randy is someone that never deserved that and never deserved to be treated the way I treated him. Randy is someone you’d actually want as a friend. He’s that type of guy who knows just what to say or not to say to offer comfort when you really need it. He’s that type of guy who buys a gift just to brighten your day and just because. He’s that type of guy that opens his door and allows you to crash at his place just so you don’t feel so dam alone in a world filled with so much aloneness. He’s that type of guy who would delicately prepare a home-cooked meal just to bring a smile to your face and a little warmth to your soul. He’s that type of guy who would show you what true loyalty and integrity means in a friendship. He’s that type of guy who would fully accept you, warts and all. And he’s that type of guy who would never abandon you, no matter what.

Sadly, I know it was my toxic state that led to our friendship becoming toxic and ultimately, its demise and there hasn’t been a single week since we parted ways, that I haven’t thought about him. The more I’ve worked through my addiction-laden life, the more I’ve been able to see him in such a different light. One that has helped me to clearly see that God put him in my life back then to help me learn quite a bit about myself and to spiritually grow. Much of my interest in crystals, holistic healing, and in the etheric evolved because of Randy. He had such a gift with pendulums and often used it to help me through some pretty dark times. He also supported me in every bit of my new-age healing journeys, and, of course, it was his constant acts of unconditional love that helped me to eventually learn to embrace that in future connections with others.

What Randy never knew back then and probably still doesn’t know to this day, is that I never stopped loving and caring about him in my heart. For the many times he helped to pick up the pieces of my life, especially when all my health issues began, and for answering the one and only call I made in the middle of one night back in 2011 and knowing just what to say, when I was attempting to kill myself in a running car, in a closed storage unit, it’s reasons like this that fill me with plenty of gratitude for Randy.

My sister informed me recently that Randy has found a partner now and is living in Arizona these days and for that I’m extremely happy for him. I know he’ll make a fantastic husband and with his childlike sense of humor and unique ability to explore the world for all it has to offer, I’m sure he’ll bring many blessings and smiles to that relationship.

Nevertheless, if you should ever read this Randy, know I’m truly sorry for how I treated you for the majority of the time God had our lives intersect with each other. I always put myself first back then, and everyone else, including you, second, and frankly, you deserved to be treated far better than that. I’m happy to know that someone out there in Arizona may well be doing that very thing for you these days. May your relationship be blessed by the light of God and may you know that I am truly grateful for you, and love you brother, and always will.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson