Silly Joke #1
Harvey’s grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.In the shop he meets a little old man who insists he is Swiss, yet has a noticeably heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, “Vat sims to be ze problem?” Harvey says, “I’m not sure, but it doesn’t go ‘tick-tock-tick-tock’ anymore. Now it just goes ‘tick…tick…tick.'” The old man says, “Mmm-Hm!” and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, “Ve haf vays of making you tock!”
Silly Joke #2
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating sweets. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.” He turned to the second Mom. “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” He turns to the third Mom. “Your obsession is with alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.” At this point, the fourth mother’s face suddenly turns red, but before the psychiatrist gets a chance to address her, she swiftly grabs her son’s hand and heads out the door, whispering to her son as she does, “Come on, Dick, it’s time to go!”
Silly Joke #3
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband — who was a big burly man — tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.” She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I can’t wear your trousers,” she said. “That’s right, said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.” With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.” He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Hell,” he said. I can’t get into your panties!” She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes.”
A Bonus Silly Joke
Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan. The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car. As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by. He stopped, rolled down his window and said, “Excuse me, sisters. I’m not of your religion, but I couldn’t help admiring your faith….!”
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
