I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around where 2018 went. I always remember hearing tons of adults say how fast the year seemed to go by when another New Year’s Eve and Day rolled around. Now, I’m actually one of those adults.
As a kid, I always wanted to speed life up. I couldn’t wait to get to my teenage years. I couldn’t wait to be old enough to drive. I couldn’t wait to be done with high school. I couldn’t wait to become of age to drink legally. And I couldn’t wait to be done with college and out on my own making a living.
Now, I’m on the other side of the coin where I find myself as each new year begins, wishing I had a magic want that was able to slow life down or turn back time. Having spent the past eight years mostly on the sidelines with a ton of health issues has made me dread when each new year arrives.
While I set three primary goals at the beginning of 2018 of doing my best to serve God, doing my best to treat others with unconditional love, and remaining 100% sober from all former addictions, and actually kept to all three, I had a few other goals that continue to be passed on from one year to the next. That being to feel healthier in my physical body, to get back into the work force, and to actually take a real vacation again where my only obligation is to sit by a pool or a beach for a week. Unfortunately, I haven’t come close to meeting any of them yet and thus I begin another year of my life with the same feelings I did the last time another new year began, that being sadness and hope.
I have sadness that at the age of 46, I’ve actually been unemployed and unable to carry a job since the beginning of 2010. I have sadness that I can’t support my partner in most of his monthly expenditures. I have sadness that I haven’t been able to return to participating even recreationally in any type of sport. And I have sadness, that my partner and I haven’t been able to take an annual vacation together without having to go through mega stress over my health problems. Yet, even in light of all that sadness, as I said, I still remain hopeful, hopeful in God that is, which is the ONLY thing that has kept me going from one new year to the next thus far.
You see, without having hope in God, I have no faith that God is going to do anything good for me ever again. And without having faith that God will ever doing anything good for me ever again, I can assure you I won’t feel any purpose for me to live, as whenever I’ve been in that place, I’ve become suicidal and really don’t wish to experience that again.
So, as 2019 begins, I begin it with hope and faith once again. Hope and faith in a living out a much brighter life. Hope and faith that there is a greater plan for me. Hope and faith that all this suffering hasn’t been in vain. And hope and faith that my life is going to improve.
Who knows where I’ll be standing this time next year or what I’ll be writing about when another new year arrives in 2020. But at least with my hope and faith, I am starting 2019 on a more positive note by saying I trust in God with my entire life, enough to keep waiting on my goals, and enough to continue believing that God does have a greater plan for me and for all of you too…
May all of you be blessed and filled with much unconditional love and light in 2019!
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson