I have frequently questioned why I’ve had such a volatile life filled with plenty of PTSD-based events. While the drinking and drugging part of it was of my own making, just as much as the toxic addictive relationships I got myself in were as well, most of my life beyond that has been tumultuous at best and out of my control, which has left me wondering more than not, did I choose to live a life like this prior to incarnating, or did I just get dealt an unfortunate hand, or is it because of something else altogether that’s far beyond my comprehension?
Regardless, it is regularly said never to compare oneself and one’s life to another, but on this planet that’s a very challenging thing not to do when struggling with some type of pain for long periods of time. My ego has led me on far too many days to envy those who have had far more stabler lives, who have countless stories of joy to speak of. I honestly wish I had those to share as well.
What I do have to share about and have done my best to work through is parental alcoholism, childhood mental and emotional abuse, constant bullying in grammar school, being molested at 12, experiencing a father’s suicide, watching an addicted mother slowly and angrily wither away until her drunken fall down the stairs, seeing the only business I ever owned completely fail losing everything I had put into it, almost going through bankruptcy, losing much of my health in the process, and having the inability now to work for a living, where I’m more dependent than independent.
Because of living this turbulent life, most of which being truly out of my control, there are times I regularly picture myself in some heavenly-type place, a positive and peace-filled space, sitting with some higher being of light, telling them how I want to go through all these difficult things in the life I’m about to be born into, all so that I can eventually help others once I make it through them myself. Honestly, it’s the only thing that makes any sense as to why I’ve had so many unfortunate things happen to me. Thinking this way does help to bring me comfort, especially on those days when my physical pain becomes so great. But, telling myself anything otherwise, like my life is just a bad hand I got dealt, only ever leaves me feeling depressed and hopeless.
Having lived such an unsettling life, I’ve met many others along the way who’ve experienced similar lives or worse, where their greatest thought has been why some people have to suffer so greatly in this world, while others often seem to not suffer at all or very little. That question is probably the greatest mystery none of us will ever get an answer for in our lives.
Nevertheless, I continue to do my best to trust God, clean house, and help others in life, sharing from my heart with all that I’ve been through. What God’s plan is for me beyond this is truly out of my understanding at this time. I accept that there must be some reason why I’ve endured as much as I have. What that reason or reasons are, I don’t know, which is why I continue to do my best to leave it in God’s hands. It’s how I keep on, keeping on, in a world that often feels lonely and upside-down for me.
I pray every day now for peace and joy to come. Why some of us have to endure far more than others, I may never know. What I do know is that it’s faith and hope that keeps me believing there’s a being of Light who still does care about me and has a reason or reasons for why I’ve had to endure as much as I have. Hopefully, one day I’ll have that answer.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
